Theres just no time for our relationship!

[Justlife45]

So me and dp have a 7month old. Life has been quite hard for the both of us recently, me more so. Lately I've been feeling really disconnected from our relationship even though we live together 99.9 percent of our time is taken up by the baby. We rarely do things together anymore and when we finally have a moment to our selves we are both guilty of sitting on our phones and just wanting to switch our brains off. These past couple of weeks in particular have been very hectic for us and things have been happening in our families that meant we was always doing things to help them. Consequently more time has been taken up.

Most of it is out of our control so I dont bother letting it get to me because I know situations arent permanent, however my current issue at the moment is we are finally going to be able to have some free time and mil keeps pushing her side of the family on us to come and visit. Since dc has been born we have 1 date. 1! I dont appreciate this fact that she is booking up our week for us, although I understand people want to see dc I wish she would let us sort it out. She has taken the initative of messaging these people for us so it's not like I can just say no. I'm just so deflated from it. As I said without going into too much detail I've had some heavy stuff happening in my personal life and generally just wanted some free time to lean on my dps shoulder and have a cuddle.

Aibu to say something to dp about it? Or am I going to be the kill joy of his family. Is it selfish to just want a day to ourselves?

Not selfish no. Just explain that as you get such a small amount of free time with your partner that you'll be spending that time with him.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe I'd love to but she has already messaged the family. She has booked us up with 3 different visits when all I wanted was finally some time to stop and relax

But that's her problem not yours! Lay down boundaries now or you'll pay the price for not doing so later.

I think you both need to be kind to yourselves. Looking after a new born is exhausting at the best of times and you've been doing that during a pandemic. The whole dynamic of a couple does change when you have a baby - you need to learn how those changes affect the pair of you and acknowledge that you maybe need to make a bit more effort for each other now that you have a baby demanding your time.

I understand your in-laws wanting to spend time with you and new baby and you probably need to allow some time for this to happen - however irritating it might be.

Most important thing though I think is to have a discussion with your partner. Put some boundaries in place so that you make time for your MIL and also make time for the two of you as a couple. No one is a mind reader and they wont know you want/need this unless you ask/talk about it. It is not selfish to vocalise what you want and it is not unreasonable to want to reconnect with your partner - in fact its probably vital.

I think you need to step in here and have a word with your mil. But both you and your dh need to be on the same page and he needs to back you up if she goes complaining to him.

I'd simply text/ring her back and say that whilst you really appreciate her making plans, it's not convenient for you and can she please inform the family member and cancel the visit. In future she needs to run any plans past you before making arrangements

@Bypassed21 we make lots of time for mil and fil. It's their family they are making us visit

Families are important (well in my view) So you perhaps do need to make a little bit of time for them as well (and I do me a little) - however its the making time for yourselves as a couple that's important - and also having the discussion with your partner and telling people what you want/need.

@Bypassed21 I hear that and I dont disagree. However there needs to be a balance first. These past couple of weeks due to personal issues we have had no time to ourselves let alone as a clue. I feel like my partner is more of a friend at the moment.

I'm amazed that your MIL has set up dates for you to visit with her family, and without consulting you!

It would be entirely reasonable to say 'sorry those dates don't suit us' without explanation. If you feel you want to explain you could say 'you know we've had some tought times recently and we need time just us as a couple / family, I know the family will understand if we rearrange for next month'.

If she doesn't respond well to that, well that's on her and she's rude and thoughtless.

Any decent person would completely understand and support you.

Is your DH on the same page as you?

I'm amazed that your MIL has set up dates for you to visit with her family, and without consulting you!

And if she's this type only a very boundaried approach will work. Say you can't do at least one of the dates, so it rebounds on her.

Only consequences for her will sort this out, however uncomfortable in the short term.

Get your husband to talk to her - it’s his mum! He can tell her to cancel these visits and he’ll reschedule at a later date.

She has taken the initative of messaging these people for us so it's not like I can just say no.

You absolutely can say no and I highly suggest you do. You have got to lay down rock hard, crystal clear boundaries or this bullshit will never end. You decide who you will visit with and when you will do so, not her, and there will be no further discussion on the matter. You can not be a doormat here, you need to stand up for yourself.

You need to talk to dh and agree a stance, and cancel the visits your MIL is making for you.

Just say "oh sorry, MIL didn't realise we had already made plans for then." and cancel.
And tell MIL "Please leave it to us to arrange to meet up with x, y & z, we have plans already for what we're doing that week."

Maybe as a compromise have one day of visits and the rest of the time for yourselves.

If you don’t want to tackle it head on just tell her you have Covid symptoms at the last minute and have to self isolate!!