I'm being silly and need to snap out of it

[Kerbik]

I just feel so silly over a minor decision to make, as it goes deeper than just the decision. I'm going to my hometown to visit parents/friends for 8-9 days and I just cannot decide whether to leave PM or AM the next morning to the hometown. I prefer to leave PM, to get an extra evening there. I'm going solo as my DP of 4 years changed jobs and thus has no summer holidays this year. We do not have children, living together for 3 years.

The deeper issue is that the first 2 years or so was difficult, because he was (mostly passive-aggressively) annoyed of me be being out and about alone (hobby, meeting friends, visiting home town alone), cause he felt abandoned (he has no hobbies or friends). In my view, he was totally exaggerating.

Finally it seems the issue has stopped and during the past year or so he has been very supportive of my outings. I also joined university in addition to working, which means I have had even less time for him, but I tried my best to study less (e.g. leave two hours each night and at least one weekend day for us) and spend time together, and he is still very supportive. I must say though, that due to his passive-aggressiveness I finally did much less hobby (and also due to university and covid - then I basically stopped) and I basically stopped visiting my home town alone and kept saying no to my friends to meet, though not always. Since he has become more supportive, I have met my friends again more etc.

Now that the covid restrictions have been lifted and I have less studying to do (still a year to go, but easier), I feel I want to do things on my own. He seems supportive and all good, but I still have this uncomfortable fear in me that maybe I cross a line at some point and he won't be happy again. And now I am agonizing over this so small decision - I want to go on 10th of August, but maybe I should go on 11th morning so then he would have one more night with me. It's so silly! How do I get over this uncomfortable fear? I feel like I always try to first think about him and then myself when arranging my social life, although he has changed and I think it is really OK to think about my own needs first.

You want to go on the 10th, so go then.

Keep challenging your fears and the emotional control he has instilled by his behaviour. You need to break this and the only way is to follow your own path and not second guess it because of his potential outbursts. You live together, one more night is really neither here not there.

Consider whether he's really the person for you.

If you want to go on the 10th then go on the 10th. Have courage of your convictions here.

He’s trained you well hasn’t he?. He’s trained you to accept his level of control, you need to be aware that such controlling behaviour from him is rooted in abuse. Over time you gave up your hobby and returning to your hometown alone to meet friends. He wanted and still wants absolute power and control over you.

You’ve been controlled throughout and he manages to control you now through your fears. You are an adult with agency however, never forget that. This man you are with is a wolf is sheep’s clothing and he is also a master manipulator. Have you never wondered why he has no friends?.

I would read “why does he do that?” written by Lundy Bancroft, this man you are with is in those pages.

Why did you stay with him if he was so awful for the first two years? Controlling where you go, making you feel bad for setting your friends or doing your hobbies - that's abusive.

You decide what you want to do. Not him.

And think about whether you're happy with him and want to stay with him.

Thankfully you do not have children with him.

Ensure going forward you are no longer with him either. He has not changed, he just wants you to believe and think he has.

Thank you all! It is exactly what I needed to hear.

Actually I did initiate break up when we had lived together for 6 months or so, because I felt overwhelmed. Especially as I had been living alone for years and as he had no hobbies/friends, he never went out alone and I never got any alone time at home, which I desperately need. However, he was so keen to improve and change etc and overall I really like him, so we stayed together. Of course, he did not change, meaning that I still basically get no alone time at home. I guess I kind of got used to it finally. I'm also working from home since covid started and thus I get to be alone during workdays (not ideal, though). But overall it doesn't bother me that much anymore.

But I still indeed my social life away from him. And I'm trying hard to not be bothered by the fears I have from the beginning. As I said, he has been much better. For example, I was a afraid what would happen regarding me starting university, but I just decided that I will do it and let him know. He was and has been really nice, to be honest, in this regard. But I keep getting those fears... I have actually entertained the idea in my mind that I just need to take control again over my social life and if I then see that he has issues with it, then I just have to call it quits. But then again I start spend time agonizing over such small decisions....

Thank you again. You brought out some really helpful points and it helps me to gather myself up again and resist those fears. Hopefully. Step by step.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you still?.

I would call it quits and leave him now. All he is really doing here is dragging you down with him. He targeted you as well and deliberately.

Well.. I would say we get on well, we do fun things together, he has thought me so much new things (he is really into camping and cooking etc, which I have no discovered to be really fun, too). We mostly have same values and I have believed he would be a good dad. He is funny and cares for me, helps me with whatever I need and holds my hand when I need it. But... to be honest, I have those feelings deep inside me that I have just settled. Because I have not had much luck with boyfriends and I was 28 when we met and I'm pretty sure I want children and I feel that I would not find anyone else anymore if we split. I don't know. I'm not over the moon for him, but I would also be really sad if we parted. I'm quite confused now, to be honest. All I can think of is that if I get over these fears I have left from his initial behaviour, it could all be much better.

Someone who successfully managed to isolate a partner and coerce them into behaving how they want/ed them to, to the point that after years that partner (you) is still second guessing tiny decisions and always forward planning the reaction decisions will make... will not be a good dad.

He will be a controlling partner, as he already is, while you will be more vulnerable and feel less able to leave him. That's what parenthood will look like in your home with him. Is that fair on a child?

But I keep getting those fears...

Fear of what, exactly? Fear that he will start his controlling behaviour again? Fear that unless you do exactly what you know he wants, then he will start abusing you again?

That is coercive control.

Please listen to what people are telling you on this thread, and do not have children with this man, he will make your life an utter misery.

You are now in your early 30s. And you're right; you have settled and worse still for an abusive partner out of some fear of being alone. You can do so much better than this man who targeted you. Do not ignore these feelings you have because they are indeed real. He has made you feel dependent on him. Yes sure, he can be nice sometimes but abusive men do not walk around with abuser written on their forehead. Look at his past actions OP towards you with cold eyes; look at what he has done to you. He has reduced you now to a state whereby you are in turmoil as to whether you travel to your parents one day or the next so that you can have another night with him!!. He installed that particular button in you.

Have you ever wondered why he has no friends?. Men like your boyfriend do not want friends either; they see their all too unfortunate girlfriend as their be all and end all.

He is not a good boyfriend to you; whatever makes you think he would ever be a good dad?. I tell you now he will not. He is nowhere near being a good enough boyfriend to you now either.

Do you think deep down that if you were to leave a day earlier he would show upset and or displeasure towards you in some way now or when you return?. You would probably answer yes to that question and if that is the case, what does that tell you about him?.

Have you posted about him before OP? You moved in together much too quickly and you felt smothered by his needing to be with you constantly, as you were fulfilling ALL of his emotional and social needs?

Hi all. I'm still confused thinking about it all. Yes, my fears are related to his potential reactions. Am I really brain-washed? Most days I feel I'm used to the situation/our relationship and most days are nice. But now thinking deeper, I do see that there is some coercive control. I also feel that I'm afraid of doing all kinds of mistakes, because he gets irritated rather easy over minor things (in my view). But these things take up only a little part of the day and most of the time we have fun etc. I guess I have to use the time alone to reevaluate things. And then start to set my own agenda more strongly and fight against the fears and take it from there. I'm not really not read to consider broking up at the current moment. I just feel I need to get over those fears first to be strong.

By the way, I was gathering my strength yesterday evening to tell him I was going to leave on the 10th. Suddenly he asked himself when I was leaving and I just told him that it will be the 10th. He was ok with that. No reaction, really. So now I feel even more silly about ever getting those pathetic fear.

You should not be in a relationship where there is any level of coercive control.

This relationship was really over when he started this campaign of coercive control against you.

So now I feel even more silly about ever getting those pathetic fear.

But the fact that you were fearful in the first place speaks volumes about the level of control you have been conditioned to.

In fact being unpredictably okay with some things is a recognised tactic of abusers, because it gives them something to point to if you question them. "What do you mean, I stop you from going places? Don't you remember last month when you went to stay with your mum, you could have had another day with me but you stayed an extra day, I was disappointed but I let you and didn't say a word about it..."

Then YOU end up feeling you're being unreasonable and unfair. When there should never have been any question of whether he "let" decide your own schedule.

Please please dump him
He’s controlling and you’re scared of his reaction
This is no basis for a relationship

How are you doing @Kerbik?