First year of parenthood taking toll on our relationship...I think?

[Mommy2Ro]

I think that i married a good person. He works hard and is very honest, etc. He's a great dad and we are both really enjoying our little DD (just turning one). But I feel like there is major strain and tension in our marriage (after 2.5 years) now and I don't know if this is due to the pressures of parenthood? Exhaustion? Hormones? I don't know what. I feel like we are in a cycle of annoying and hurting each others' feelings and we have a big blow out 2 or 3 times a month, at least. Had a big one after DD's first birthday party last night and it's broken my heart. Of course bc we were fighting he pointed out that I should have spent more time with our daughter during hte party instead of frosting cake, talking to guests, etc. I did spend some time with her, but I tossed and turned all night worrying that I had missed her first bday party. Then DH fiddled with alarm this am and woke DD and I up too early. She had a cranky morning and was very clingy and upset (tho it is monday...) I'm exhausted and teary and feel awful.

DD just gone down for nap and I need one too. Just want to see if I'm alone in this, or if there is hope that this is something couples go through and come out of...Anyone?

I remember asking if Dh wanted to have trial separation when DS1 was a little older that a year old. We didn't separate and now have 3 Ds's.

I think it is very common to feel such immense(sp?) pressure after having your first child.

Can you tell your DH how aware you are that these 'blow-out' come around because you're both feeling x, y or z about eachother. Sit down with him and tell him how upset you are about the b'day party 'blow out'.

I remember how hard it is, but it does get easier.

It is HUGELY common for these feelings to arise. Having a 3rd person come into your relationship who is 100% dependent on you is a massive strain as well as a huge reward. You will likely feel torn between loving her to death and wanting to devote yourself to her, feeling like perhaps you are 'neglecting' your DH attention-wise, or that he is acting like a petulant child for having the feelings of being 'pushed out', also feeling like you want to get a bit of 'you' back. The first year is the hardest (as well as fabulously lovely), but you WILL come through it.

FWIW, I don't think the birthday party thing is an issue. Your DH's comments seemed v harsh and unfair.

I agree that you should try to sit down and talk things through calmly regularly BEFORE they get to blow out proportions. Easier said than done, I know, but worth a try.

Mommy2Ro I sympathise to much with you. There is unfortuantley no book of instructions that helps us prepare for the total shock to the system that a small person brings - the huge feeling of responsibility and loss of oneself and the pre-baby relationship with one's partner and the total exhaustion.
DH and I argued so much after our DD was born - we had some real humdingers I can tell you!!!! We were still trying to do up our house (he was tiling the kitchen when we first brought her home!)so we weren't actually spending that much time together even though he was in the house! He was always trying to tell me what to do with DD and in the end I just used to say, 'you know as little about this as I do, so why don't you just shut up and help me instead of criticising me all the time!' Now, we do actually try to discuss things in a calm and rational way and I think we work pretty well together now (dd is now 2.8 and such and they absolutely adore each other!) and don't argue nearly so much. It doesn't always work but it helps to clear the air and get things off 'my' chest anyway. Keep talking to each other and say how you feel - you may not always like what you hear (I heard a few home truths I didn't like much!). Also don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it - even a goddess needs some time time out ! It will get better!

first birthday parties are mainly for the parents not the kids - she won't have minded !

Talk to DH - say what you said here - see if you can agree to be gentler to each other. I think it is very common to feel the strain with young kids around (we certainly have) - but it is worth making the effort. Keep talking to each other and help each other through it.

Mommy2Ro, as others have said, you are not alone! Many of us have been there (sometimes still are but with time you begin to see what is causing the pressures more clearly and can hopefully avoid the huge stack up rows that cause a lot of hurt).

Your dh was unreasonable about your dd's party IMO, but it could be that he was feeling grumpy/tired/fed up about something else and vented his frustration in comments about your role at the birthday party. You did what any of us have done at a party; worked your *rse off to make sure EVERYONE including your dd had a lovely time, so you have nothing to feel bad about.

Is there someone who can babysit for you? Any chance of booking a couple of nights out to talk things through over a meal and/or glass wine. If you can reclaim a bit of time for yourselves as a couple it would probably help.

Good luck .

I would say you were in the majority if you feel a child is putting a strain on your relationship. It is hard to say what you should do because only you know deep down how you are feeling. Our eldest child is 8.5 so we have been going through periods like you describe for that long. We are still together, but the relationship is sadly not what it once was. I think I speak for my dh as well as myself when I say that our lives together feel like they have been put on hold. We function alongside each other as parents to our children, but only rarely do we share moments together as a couple. I just hope that when the children stop needing us so much and we have more time to be together without them, my dh will still be there and we will still have things other than the children in common.

I think it is no surprise that many marriages split when children are small...it is a huge readjustment both individually and for the relationship, and not all survive it. My 'survival kit' consists of:

1. Acknowledging that this is a stressful time - just keeping an eye on the broader perspective I find reassuring, I know that it is normal to find it hard to nurture a relationship at this stage
2. Making sure our lives are not diverging too much - for me it helps that we both work similar hours and share childcare, which helps us to still feel an equal partnership and part of a team doing the same things
3. Making sure we have enough time together alone - biggest factor in this is getting the kids to bed and having our evenings together, but organising babysitting so that we go out together and feel more like the old 'us' also helps
4. Keeping communication channels open.

It is tough, but you have to do what you can to look after your relationship enough until things get easier....just remember you are not alone in feeling this way, don't give up on a fundamentally sound relationship just yet!

You sound exactly how I feel. My dd is 9 months and we seem to be in the same position- only this wkend everything really came to a head with a humdinger of an argument (we've been together for 6 1/2 years and rarely argue) with me threatening to leave and him hiding the door keys. I didn't want to go but I didn't want to carry on with things the way they are atm- difficult. WE sat down and talked it through and have agreed to try not to take our frustrations out on each other and be a united front- I really didn't understand how much stress he was under with a new baby and major home improvements, I only ever thought of myself as I'm the one at home with her every day.

We live very far from both our families and it seems sometimes that we only ever get a chance to be parents rather than a couple- does that make sense?

What really scares me is what will happen if we have a second baby- we both want one but are worried about how we'd cope.

On a positive note, I have heard from various sources that the 1st year is really hard but that you do get through it. I know that we will.

I guess the best advice is not to bottle things up and try tot alk everything through. HTH, sorry it turned into a bit of a rant but at least you know you're not alone in feeling like this

Blimey Mommy2Ro, looks like this rings bells with loads of couples!

Same thing happened to us - had a major blow-out on holiday once (I was 5 month pg with DD2 at the time) and I stormed off. Came back after cooling down to see DP and DD1 having lunch in the hotel restaurant. DD1 was waving and shouting to me but I was so mad with him, that I went back to the poolside in a huff. So ashamed of that

I think Puffs idea of getting a few nights out is a good one.

We had a conversation recently about whether to go for no.3 and DP said he wasn't keen. As he put it, "I think of you as a pie (yes, he's a bit odd) and each child has taken a huge slice, any more kids and I'll be lucky to get crumbs"

Mum2girls - what a lovely way your dh has to describe this dilemma! I have had four children and I definitely feel that the pie has been eaten and I am an empty pie dish.

Mum2girls - I love your dh's pie analogy!

Mommy2Ro - I think having time out as a couple is very important and also having time out as individuals. If I could go back in time, I'd do that. Good luck.

Do try and get out, just the two of you, as others here have suggested. I find it makes a big difference to me and my DH. The first year is very difficult, getting used to such a new way of life and thinking about somebody else.

I remember when my twin DDs were tiny my husband said to me "I miss you". "What do you mean, I'm sitting here", I replied. "No, I mean I miss how it used to be". I think it can be harder for the guys in some ways, we can become a little wrapped
up with our new bundles, it's almost like a love affair that excludes our partners to a certain extent.

sounds like someone's been spying at our house! we're sort of I hope coming through this but have rowed like cat and sulky dog for the past 6 months. Its really hard not to do that "I'm more tired/stressed/put upon than you" thing when you're both so stretched.

We have had to make sure we booked some couple time rather than just be Mummy and Daddy all the time. Also we've made an effort to do things together on normal evenings in - so we do a coat of paint on a wall and listen to one of his awful jazz CDs or we make a batch of baby food together rather than watch TV.

Good luck - it does get easier tho!

Clearly from this thread, this is an experience that most people go through. Even without children, I think the first years of marriage can be hard.

I've certainly felt like this. I don't think it even needs to ba as concrete as "Ever since DS/DD came along, our marriage has been going downhill" - I just think that becoming a parent both brings new areas of your relationship with each other to the fore, and changes how you previously saw your partner (and sometimes yourself! ). We all have very deeply rooted ideas about what sort of parents we want to be, based on our own childhoods, and often we don't fully realise what our expectations of ourselves and our partners as parents are until we actually have children together.

In my case, I often feel very resentful of and frustrated with DH due to the things he does and doesn't do with DS. But he is a good father and I'm starting to realise that MY way of parenting isn't necessarily always the RIGHT way. If it's any consolation, our marriage went through a very tough time when DS was between the ages of 1 and 2, but now he's almost 3 and we have DD as well, it actually seems to be coming together more. DH is certainly a lot more help now we have 2 children.

To paraphrase someone famous, "Life is what happens to us while we're planning on something better". It's so easy to get caught in a downward spiral of resentment and bitterness over the minutiae of daily life once you are a parent. You're both tired, maybe money's tight, and it's all too easy to pick on each other. But we only have this one shot at it, so it's worth taking some time out to spend together as adults, remembering what it was about the other person that you once found so enchanting.

It will get better, but not on its own. You both have to put in the effort to be kind to one another. It may feel forced at first, but it will become habit and then you start to feel appreciated again. Don't let this drift - find a time to talk things through with your DH and see how he's feeling, too.

Sweetheart, this is so so common. We are nearly five years down the parenthood track and have had some ups and downs. For us it was at its worst when our second child was a year old - the sheer relentlessness (sometimes) of having two little people about seemed to really kick in then.

I think that I have been very guilty in the past of putting all efforts into being a mum/ working and thinking that DP and I have had such a strong relationship it can weather a little neglect because I can't do it all - there's not enough slices of puddle pie to go round! I've stoppped thinking like this - I realise now that we simply have to find the energy for each other - to be friends, confidantes and lovers as well as parents - or we might as well give up. I think as you say you get into cycles of behaviour and it's hard to break them. You both need some time out to work out how you can reshape your relationship now there are three of you, if that makes sense.

Wow. I am actually moved to tears. I wrote my frustrations out this am before my little DD's nap and then too one myself and haven't had time (she's been needy today).

I can't believe how not alone I am. And how many of you have pinpointed further elements of what I (we as a family) are going through.

I can't tell you how reassuring it is to hear it gets easier/better - and from so many other women who've been there!

And it is a love affair with my daughter (as sandyballs mentioned), and I do feel like there are only crumbs left to be patient, loving or even interested in my DH (thank you for that perfect analogy, Mum2girls -seems to fit a lot of people's feelings!)

Just being able to read all this actually does re-charge my batteries enough to make me want to make an effort, even if it feels a bit forced at first (which is exactly what I was wondering/worrying about, Lulupop). Like Hayls, we live far from our families, but I think I will make the effort ot see if we can find a friend to stay with her for an evening to get out for a date. I'm still nursing her to sleep (worknig on that), so that makes babysitting (and intimacy and patience for DH) a bit harder..

So, wow. And thanks so much, ladies. I am going to cut and paste this string to have on hand, a little bit of text support. I feel really bolsterd. Sniff, sniff

Totally went through this experience after having PFB (precious first born). It was a major life changing event and neither of us were adequately prepared for what being parents entailed. Marraige went through a real rough patch. But we stuck it out and here we are - not totally loved up and blissfully contented, but happy enough and solid / secure. Have had 2nd baby subsequently - and that didn't have so much impact since we new what to expect.

meant 'knew' what to expect

Gosh yes! DH and I had probably had only 2 or 3 disagreements in as many years until ds. Then it was 2 or 3 a day!!! Now that he is a little older (14 mos) it is getting better. I certainly understand why people say don't have a baby to strengthen a bad marriage. It puts such a strain on even the best marriage.