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Relationships

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Original poster

Heated argument - he suggested we break up

26 replies

Hereandnow1 · 03/08/2021 02:39

I had a heated argument with my boyfriend yesterday. Both our faults. But he suggested that I need to think about leaving the relationship with anger.

I then started to consider it and he then said, no, we'll both regret it.

I thought our relationship was stronger than that. He told me before that he was planning to propose this year.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 03/08/2021 02:50

You have to watch this sort of thing doesn't become a pattern. Because that's very stressful.

One partner saying "We're over!" every time you argue sort of thing. Discuss it with him carefully and say that to you, this sort of thing is not said flippantly...but should only EVER be said with real conviction...ie when the person KNOWS that they're ending the relationship.

If he says he definitely does not want to end the relationship, tell him that if he ever says it again, you'll know he's serious and that will mean the whole thing is over.

And mean it.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2021 02:58

Please, that "we're over" nonsense? And he told you he's planning to propose? What does that even mean?

You may want to reconsider this relationship.

FortunesFave · 03/08/2021 03:38

And he told you he's planning to propose? This also threw up a red flag for me.

What man tells a woman he's planning to propose? Either do it or don't...but don't be dangling carrots!

It's very weird to say that. As though you'll be frothing at the mouth with excitement at the mere prospect!

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2021 03:40

@FortunesFave

And he told you he's planning to propose? This also threw up a red flag for me.

What man tells a woman he's planning to propose? Either do it or don't...but don't be dangling carrots!

It's very weird to say that. As though you'll be frothing at the mouth with excitement at the mere prospect!

Exactly. It's fucking absurd.

Original poster

Hereandnow1 · 03/08/2021 04:01

The reason he said he is planning to propose this year is because it came up in a conversation about marriage. I asked him where he stood.

I think that he does really mean it as he said to me he is saving money for a ring.

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 03/08/2021 04:05

Saving for a ring is all very well but a proposal does not require a ring

QueenBee52 · 03/08/2021 04:23

I call bollocks ..

he said that to punish you.. to make like you ruined everything now.. spoiled the surprise..

Yip... bollocks 🌸

Themeparklover · 03/08/2021 04:27

My ex started doing things like this as soon as I raised any concerns with him or didn't necessarily agreed with him, looking back there were other significant red flags and it was a good idea to leave him

Original poster

Hereandnow1 · 03/08/2021 04:43

I don't have any doubts about him wanting to propose. He didn't made me feel like I ruin anything.

The argument was about me noticing that sometimes he would look at other women. He denies it. I said that I cannot accept a man that looks at other women and he then said maybe you should leave.

We made up after and he said to let him know when I notice these things and he doesn't want to ever hurt me. I just can't help but think about the leaving comment.

OP posts:

Normaigai · 03/08/2021 04:49

With that update, I think you started it. You said you couldn't be with someone who looked at other women, and that he was. You threatened to break up with him first. His response was pretty natural to that.

As an aside, it is completely unrealistic to suggest he can never look at other women. Openly oggling open-mouthed with tongue hanging out, fine but your partner (and you) will find other people nice to look at times. It's natural.

rolyisntittimefor · 03/08/2021 05:22

With that update..... I think I see his point??
Depending on what you mean by "looking" at other women - do you mean the occasional glance at an attractive woman, or do you mean leering or perving/"liking" all over their social media?
You probably can't expect him to realistically never "look" at a woman, it's human. I take a second glance at attractive men and women!? That might have been what he meant by leave the relationship - as it's a rather unsustainable life if you can't deal with this. I think everyone does it consciously or otherwise. Example - I've been commenting this week on some of the fit male Olympians - husband laughs at me and rolls his eyes. He knows I love him.

Fml2015 · 03/08/2021 06:00

I think your being a bit harsh and totally unreasonable. Have fun finding a man or women who dosent look at the opposite or same sex. You need to get over this otherwise your going to cause yourself issues and upset for no reason.

ActonSquirrel · 03/08/2021 06:06

So you accused him of something said it was a deal breaker for you and he said OK then...

You started it.

toocold54 · 03/08/2021 06:56

The argument was about me noticing that sometimes he would look at other women. He denies it. I said that I cannot accept a man that looks at other women and he then said maybe you should leave.

Honestly I’d be thinking about leaving you too.
I can see his predicament - he obviously genuinely cares for you but this is very controlling behaviour so he probably is questioning whether this relationship can last.

The thing about ‘planning to propose’ is very odd as what’s stopping him. But from your update I can see why he’s be wary about wanting to do this.

If you want to be with him I think you really need to evaluate your behaviour before it’s too late.

TheWholeJingbang · 03/08/2021 07:00

Depends on whether OP means ogling & leering or not !

TheFoundations · 03/08/2021 07:26

The argument was about me noticing that sometimes he would look at other women. He denies it. I said that I cannot accept a man that looks at other women and he then said maybe you should leave

Hang on. This is too vague. Is he looking at other women as in glanced at a woman in the street because she fell over, or as in tongue hanging out looking at cleavages all day, ogling?

Everybody looks occasionally. If you can't deal with that, then it will be better for you not to try to have a relationship. But if he's trying to make it your fault that his constant ogling is causing a problem in the relationship, then... well, you'd need to leave.

So, actually, it doesn't matter. You can't accept him as he is, and he would rather you leave than make changes. It's the end, either way.

bigbaggyeyes · 03/08/2021 07:40

He mentioned ending it to hurt you and try and take control of the argument, it then backfired on him spectacularly. I call bullshit, he didn't mean it, just wanted to stop you in your tracks. It's a piss poor attempt to control you and means he's also emotional immature. Instead of trying to sort it out, or even calm down he says something he knows will really hurt you. It would be a red flag to me.

premium77 · 03/08/2021 09:47

Another thread of a woman thinking that a man can’t even look in the direction of another woman. Totally unreasonable.

I look at attractive women and i’m straight!!

caringcarer · 03/08/2021 10:06

Looking at a pretty woman as she goes by is normal. You need to worry when he does more than glance but follows her or tries to chat her up.

Catlover1970 · 04/08/2021 22:39

Looking at other people is totally normal. Poor guy probably stressed by your unreasonable demand. I’m crazy about my husband and vice versa but doesn’t mean we can’t look at attractive people! Ridiculous

TeamRick · 05/08/2021 08:32

Now I see this in a completely different way with that last update.
You've noticed him eyeing up other women, to the point it's made you uncomfortable enough to say something!

He's then threatened to leave the relationship, therefore shutting you down , training you not to mention him looking at other women and even worse putting the 'policing' of that behaviour on to you!

He's hasn't said yes you're right, sorry, he's basically said I'll continue to look at other women, you can pull me up on it but if you do I'll threaten to end the relationship again!

You can't win in this situation!

What's he like in other areas of the relationship?

QueenBee52 · 05/10/2021 17:36

leave him... you cannot 'manage' his obvious looking at other women... if he needs told to curb it then there is something far wrong..

He seems happy enough to leave the relationship so let him go..

you will meet someone with the same valued as you for sure...

IrishMel · 05/10/2021 17:40

Be very careful as your confidence will be in shatters now thinking does he really want to finish it. So you will be on your best behaviour or he will finish it. Red flags and am speaking from experience. Talk to him calmly and discuss it and tell him this cannot be said that he will finish it unless he means it and forget about marriage until you are both able to talk calmly. Mind games are so confusing and mess your head up.

IrishMel · 05/10/2021 17:46

Just read your update. Speaking from experience all men will look if see an exceptionally beautiful woman but if he is looking at everything and anything then that is upsetting. An ex of mine used to not only look but stop and turn around to look at them and that is totally not right. He used to call me insecure. So I did the same when ever saw a hot young man and he got it then. Sometimes though I look at other women if they are attractive and if a woman is wearing next to nothing then I think everyone looks as shocked. If you feel insecure in yourself a man oogling other women does not help. Maybe talk to someone if you think you need to and get to root cause of it. Do you actually trust him. Wish you the best.

IrishMel · 05/10/2021 17:48

TeamRick and Queen Bee made good points. Good advice. Update us on how things go as hope you are ok.

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