Bf emotionally shutting down

[overthinker121]

I am starting to recognise a negative pattern in my new relationship of four months and could do with some advice/words of wisdom.

My boyfriend isn't emotionally unavailable - he expresses his emotions and is considerate of those of others. However, on two occasions recently he has shut down and this has caused me to wonder whether we are really compatible.

He is currently feeling disappointed as his best friend has got a new gf and is prioritising her above him. They used to have a regular pattern of calling each other, seeing each other on Saturday nights etc and he has been somewhat ditched for this new girl. Understandably he is upset by this but he talks about it A LOT. When I tried to suggest a solution ie take a step back from the friend and reduce his expectations so he doesn't get hurt he just said that he wouldn't talk to me about it anymore.

Similarly, he is unhappy at work and complains about it all the time. I listen and try to empathise and even booked and paid for a massage for him at the weekend because he was stressed. However, when I mentioned that he was clearly unhappy he shut down and said he wouldn't talk to me about it again.

I feel that talking and communicating in a relationship is very important so I am hurt by this. This is the only thing I can fault him on - he is an excellent boyfriend in all other ways.

I would like to bring this up with him. We are due to see each other again on Friday but I have a free evening on Wednesday and am thinking of suggesting that I go to his so we can talk. However, I do lean towards the anxious attachment side of things and maybe I should not give into the anxiety and wait?

I don't know. I am sad that my efforts aren't being appreciated and if it's bad this early on it could only get worse? I am worried we are not compatible in this sense.

Any advice? Should I speak to him on Weds or Fri?

You should be ending this and moving on. You aren't emotionally compatible. Don't waste any more time.

Four months into a relationship should be a lot more fun than this

@DismantledKing

Four months into a relationship should be a lot more fun than this

Am I perhaps making it not fun by being overly focused on this though? I do have a tendency to dwell on things and that isn't always helpful.

As I said, everything else is good - he treats me well, is thoughtful, any effort I make is reciprocated, we have the same values and hopes for the future.

From what you’ve posted it sounds like he complains all the time, but doesn’t actually take any steps to remedy things. Far too much faff.

@DismantledKing well he did try to speak to his friend about feeling displaced because of the new gf but it fell on deaf ears.

You are right though, I am getting a bit sick of him complaining all the time...I'm just not sure whether this is enough of a dealbreaker to end things because everything else is good.

I mean, nobody's perfect - I certainly have my faults!

Stop blaming yourself OP. Stop trying to please him. Stop doubting yourself. If you have the chat he will gaslight you and make you think you are in the wrong. Escape whilst you still can. He will erode your confidence. Anxious attachment and uncommunicative and emotionally unavailable people are Not compatible!!

If you’re getting sick of him complaining after just four months, imagine how you’ll feel in a year. Or five. Whether things are a dealbreaker remains a personal thing of course, but I don’t think I’d want to carry on like this.

@DismantledKing thank you for your advice and help. Lots for me to think about. I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply.

Did your boyfriend want solutions fromyou or did he just want to offload?

By the sounds of what happened he just wanted to offload and didnt want your opinions or solutions.

It sounds like you're a fixer (I am too) but we don't have to fix everything all the time.

Next time he mentions it just nod and agree and give sympathy instead.

Saying that I hate people who moan loads and do nothing to change things so I probably wouldn't put up with it.

I think 'losing' his best friend has hit him hard, he probably thinks that he still met his friend when you 2 got together so why is his friend doing differently. I would have given the same advice as you but he clearly isn't ready to hear it.

I'm afraid I also think this relationship has no future.

Think about it, he's upset because his best friend has a new girlfriend.
So does he !

He's upset because his best friend prefers to go out on a Saturday night with his new girlfriend.
At only 4 months into a relationship, so should he !

He's not happy at work.
But he has no intention of doing anything to change this !

He moans and dumps on you, then shuts you down when you try to help him find solutions FFS !

He is not interested in helping himself, he just wants to moan !

This would get very old, very quickly !

Step back from the analysing. The basics here are 'I don't like the way my boyfriend behaves.'

It doesn't matter who's faults are causing the issues. Everybody has faults. Finding a happy relationship is about finding somebody with whom you have compatible faults, in order that you don't piss each other off.

Don't try to change yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. Change the people you surround yourself with, until you're with people who make you feel like your emotional responses are good and right and justified. Make distance between people with whom you feel that your emotions are perhaps just a bit silly, or over reactions, or that you should keep your emotions to yourself. That's boundaries, in a paragraph.

I’m going to go against the grain here - you sound pretty intense to me - you should really be respecting his boundaries of what he does and doesn’t want to talk about with you. My partner is a natural fixer. Sometimes I don’t want him to fix stuff, his “helpful” suggestions and interventions aren’t actually useful and just feel bit interfering, however well intentioned they are. It’s been 4 months, that’s 16 weeks, you’ve not been together long at all, why do you think you would know more about his job or his relationship with his best friend than he does? Sometimes we just need to offload and have our partners support us, but not try to take over and manage a situation that isn’t their’s to manage. Not everything is sunny all the time and that’s ok.

So my advice is chill out and just listen and empathise, don’t always feel the need to dispense advice or give your opinion unless he has specifically asked you to.

Obviously he should be doing the same for you, and it’s ok if you find constant negativity draining and unattractive. But unsolicited advice and opinions on things like jobs and best friends are probably as unwelcome as too much complaining about things that aren’t going to change.

It’s ok to have different communication styles and approaches to tackling problems as well - it doesn’t necessarily mean you are “incompatible” and the relationship is doomed - but it means to be successful, you both have to take the time to understand how the other is naturally inclined and learn how to respect each other and work together, not just clash where you have different styles/approaches. In this instance perhaps he needs to understand that it’s frustrating for you to hear too much complaining and him not be taking any steps to improve the situation; you need to understand that his problems are not yours to solve. So have a conversation, yes, but the focus shouldn’t all be about how you’d rather he behave, rather how the two of you can better understand and respect each other.

Agree that he just wants to offload in order to move on.

Sometimes when you're unhappy about something it's because it can't be fixed and someone trying to find solutions just makes it worse. He knows his best friend prioritising his new gf is normal, there isn't much that can be done about that - he just has to mourn what the friendship was.

Massages are nice but they don't fix what makes work stressful.

Take a step back from trying to fix his problems. But also, you can set a boundary if the negativity is just too much. It's understandable that we offload to our partners but there have to be limits, and you should be able to say "enough, we need to talk about something else now".