Desperate and no one to turn to

[Beforeim40]

I'm going through hell at the moment and don't know where to turn...
I've been married to DH for nearly 7 years, we have a 4 year old DC. The marriage has become progressively worse over the years - communication has never been good, we used to have big arguments, I'm ashamed to say I've lost my temper a few times with him out of frustration and thrown tantrums, we now bicker at least once a day, and for the past year we have led increasingly separate lives. I've come to dread weekends for the disappointment and loneliness. The working week at home goes by and each day we talk less and less. He is defensive and passive aggressive, lazy and sloppy in so many ways, but ultimately I feel he has checked out and just doesn't care anymore.

I extend that to our DC - he just doesn't do well with our DC and there is a clear preference for me. I can't go to the toilet without it sounding like two children are arguing. DC has started to cry for me all the time. He is just a miserable git and I feel like I'm wasting my life. I've told him how I feel and it's like a personal affront to him. He cares zero how I feel that's clear. I know what I need to do but would love to hear opinions. I don't have anyone I can talk to IRL.

Help I feel so lost and lonely, just want to scream in frustration

Can you leave? It sounds like it's over for you. Do you own or rent?

I'm in a similar position but have filed for divorce. Problem is that financially unable to leave even though I'm full time on 30k pm. I'm so sorry - if you want to and can leave then that may be your answer. I wish I could right now but going through the courts is a financial nightmare. On the other hand if you love him then maybe therapy may be the answer x good luck

Fron your description it sounds like there's only one thing to do - neither of your are happy and it's having an effect on your DC.

I suggest seeking some legal advice to see what your options are

It may seems insurmountable but honestly being on your own with your dc will be so much better and healthier than how you are currently living. Get some legal advice, often they do half hours free, write down all you need to know and really use that time- with several if needs be! Try to squirrel some cash away, ask for help from any family or friends. You can do it, one step at a time.

I'm sorry to be harsh, op, but you have got to pull yourself together and get your child out of that abusive, miserable environment. The damage being done to that child is just awful, and if you don't do something now, it could stay with them throughout their entire life.

I'm very sorry you're struggling, but you have to put your child first and end this nightmare immediately.

Thanks for the replies. I know what I need to do and trying to pluck up the courage. The last few weeks have gone from bad to worse. Now there is zero interaction, he just ignores me. I've given up talking to him. I speak to a counsellor every week and it's giving me some clarity on my priority being me and my son, not fixing the relationship with DH who looks like he couldn't care less, or doesn't have a clue. I'm over being heartbroken I just want to get away from him now. It's hard, he isn't abusive as such, just very passive and when not passive, he's totally passive aggressive. He is trapping me in a terrible marriage but carries on like I'm big bad bitch.

@FortunesFave - we are renting. We're both on the lease. My plan would be to rent somewhere for me and our DC. But I can't even have a discussion with him about childcare arrangements. He just doesn't answer or he gets passive aggressive and doesn't ever get to a proper discussion. I am so frustrated.

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering like this. Giving someone the silent treatment in order to punish them is an abusive act.

If he's refusing to talk with you, and using this as a manipulative way of controlling you, I suggest making statements rather than asking questions. That way, if he doesn't like what you're telling him is going to happen, he can either remain silent and lump it, or he'll have to speak to you to discuss.

eg: Rather than saying 'What shall we do about the childcare arrangements?' you pose it as a statement saying 'I will have the dc on xxx days, you will have them on xxx days.' Or, rather than saying 'do you want to go to parents' evening?' you say 'Parents' evening is on xxx date so if you want to come, you'll need to be there by xxx time.'

His options are then he likes it, he lumps it, or he discusses with you. If you word your statements well and he continues not to respond, at least you'll know what is happening re arrangements etc.

Yes, it sounds like he'll label you a bitch. But at least you'll be a happy, free bitch (but not actually a bitch, only in his mind) rather a miserable, wretch stuck in a loveless and abusive relationship. Team 'Bitch' (but not actually a bitch, just reclaiming your sanity) all the way!

When is your lease up or a break in it? Aim for that date to have a new place sorted for you and DC.

With regards to childcare, it doesn't sound like DC likes him that much so I wouldn't expect much help if that's the situation while you're living together. Honesty Id expect nothing from him, that's pretty much standard for lazy men who don't get on with their children.

Ignore all the emotional blackmail, grey rock him, just focus on the practical getting out side of things. You'll have time to process the emotions and heal once you are free.

@ZestyMaximus thanks that is so helpful way to look at it. I keep telling myself that I've made it so clear to DH how I feel, that I am fed up and how it's all effecting our DC. I get nothing back but defensiveness or just being ignored. Have to keep asking myself what is the alternative to leaving. I feel he's cornering me into being the bad one who rips apart the family whilst he remains clueless and innocent and the victim to someone ranting and raving about how bad it all is.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea there is a two month notice on the lease. I am looking for somewhere else but feel I can't actually move out with DC unless he agrees it? I'm so confused, I need to talk to a solicitor but feel so scared. I know what I need to do, just feel so nervous and alone and embarrassed about it

He does not have to agree to anything, he does not have a choice, just move ahead with what you need to do for you and DC. Poor DC, you cant go to the loo without him having a go at a 4 year old - that sounds like abuse to me. Your child needs out as well, this is a terrible environment for them. So if you need that extra motivation, then do it for your child.

Lamp post to lamp post, don't have to consider any more than that right now. Give notice, find a place, get your finances sorted, get copies of any paperwork you need, evidence of funds, pensions and assets. As you are renting you have the freedom to get out quickly. Lawyer can happen later. Use your counsellor to talk to, they should be supporting you out of this, if they are not, get a new one. Honestly the relief you will feel when you shut the door of your own place will be profound, focus on that.

As you are renting you have the freedom to get out quickly. Lawyer can happen later

Is it true that I can just leave without some sort of agreement on the childcare?God knows I've asked him several times to talk about this but I get no response. His past week he's completely ignoring me, sit in separate rooms day and night. I just asked him why he is just sitting there, and does he knows he's making it so hard for everyone. His response "yes I want to talk to you". Then "I find it hard to talk to YOU".

Feel like I am being manipulated into leaving so he can satisfy himself that I'm in the wrong and tearing up his happy home.

I'm so fed up. I need to escape this terrible situation. I've booked a viewing on a flat later today. But I'm scared I'm doing the wrong thing by leaving with my son without his "agreement". Would I be in the wrong here?

Please any further advice would be helpful. I'm at the end of my tether.