Husband of 25 years hates me

[Babaghanoush]

NCed. I don't know where to begin. I have been married 25 years. It's been up and down. Have two DC, 20 and 17. Have had immense stress in the past few years: death, illness, job loss, DH working away, mental illness: you name it, we have had it. Covid hasn't helped any.

In the last few years, it has been getting steadily worse. Sex life is almost zero. DH has put on lots of weight, is grumpy and tired all the time. I work far fewer hours in a much lower paying profession, so I do most of the housework and in the past, childcare. I don't mind doing it, but lately in lockdown have been feeling like a skivvy and completely unappreciated. Of course he feels the same because he does a very stressful job. Have got a cleaner recently to solve this.

At one point a few years ago I recognised we were sinking. We began to try to fix it, but at the time DD fell seriously ill and we have to focus on her. She has a chronic illness which is now better, but always there. During this time she was my sole focus. We had only just emerged from that when covid hit.

Today it all came to a head. He blew up, called me horrible names, said that I have made zero contribution to the marriage, called me lazy and a golddigger, frigid, and god knows what else. I don't think we are coming back from this. I feel like I have made sacrifices for years and he does not give a damn. I know I can't make him give a damn.

I know on MN the usual conclusion is that he is having an affair. I am certain he is not. He works from home now and is home all day except for an occ walk. He leaves his phone around and I have the password. He is not secretive. I think the catalyst for this is that DS will be leaving next year to go to uni. So perhaps he feels there is no point sticking around for the children.

I feel shattered. I can't believe I have devoted 25 years to someone who clearly hates and despises me, and thinks all my contributions are zero. I have my own family money and a house left to me by my mother, btw.

@Leafyhouse "25 years and one outburst, and you're calling lawyers? Do you know what the dating world is like out there? I really wouldn't rush to divorce as some kind of nirvana at this stage. Christ, how I hate that the Mumsnet default is 'leave the bastard'."

Totally agree. It sounds like the frustrations and challenges have built for both of you but to call in lawyers seems extreme. You both need time to cool down and start discussing the issues....and yes that might mean realising the glue has been children and that's now weakened and the best thing is to separate...but do it after fully understanding each other, even with a counsellor.

Leafyhouse

25 years and one outburst, and you're calling lawyers? Do you know what the dating world is like out there? I really wouldn't rush to divorce as some kind of nirvana at this stage. Christ, how I hate that the Mumsnet default is 'leave the bastard'.“

Why are you assuming that OP wants to get involved with the “dating world”. If my long marriage broke up in painful circumstances, that’s the last thing I’d want to do.
Some women can survive without a man!

Some of you on here need to "raise your bar " to pilfer an MN phrase .

Good point, am definitely not suggesting that the OP has to get back into the dating world.

In fact, the happiest demographic has always been single women in retirement. Especially if OP has independent financial means.

Hi. I am sorry to have posted and run away. To be honest I felt so completely shattered that I had to get off social media. Thank you for all your posts.

I feel overwhelmed again at the thought of explaining a 25 yr old marriage but will try. DH refuses to discuss it. He has been doing this increasingly in the last year or two. Erupt every 4 or 5 months ( this is not the first time) , then refuse to talk. This is abuse in my book.

He is not the man I married.He used to be very easygoing and appreciate everything I did for him. Now he barks at me all day over tiny things and wears headphones all day because I apparently irritate him so much. This has obviously been made worse by wfh during Covid. I don't want to be walking on eggshells all day.

I moved overseas for him,.did all the childcare and did a lot of stuff that will enable him to retire early next year at 54 with a v good private pension! So if my life is easier now than his, I feel like I deserve it.
Regarding not being able to date again, I have zero desire to date again. I will settle for friends, family and maybe a dog. My only problem is that DS is doing v tough A levels and I don't want to rock the boat by moving out now. I am not sure what I should do.

So many of my friends in long marriages have ended up with Victor Meldrews because they are financially insecure. I have my own money so I can leave.

@Leafyhouse

25 years and one outburst, and you're calling lawyers? Do you know what the dating world is like out there? I really wouldn't rush to divorce as some kind of nirvana at this stage. Christ, how I hate that the Mumsnet default is 'leave the bastard'.

The thing is, you got into this cul-de-sac slowly, and you'll only back out slowly. I'd say your DH needs to make one major change, and that looks like his job. Then you need to make a major change in return (ask him what his biggest issue is, don't choose it yourself). Then he makes another change, then you reciprocate. And that is how you back out of this situation and find the things that initially brought you together, surely?

25 years is an achievement, and you obviously work, at some level. Treasure that, please!

Agree. A lot of posters on mumsnet are obsessed with cheering on divorces. It's crazy.

Marriage counselling

Bizarrely if do your financial settlement after he draws on his pension it counts as income and not a marital financial asset.

If you want to divorce I would do it fast.

If you want to leave then that’s absolutely fine - you sound very unhappy and so does he. Equally, if you decide to look at alternatives like counselling then that’s also fine. What I would say though is MN is not always the best place to get advice - the cry of LTB goes up too often, with little thought for what that actually means for a family as some posters get caught up in the virtual drama.

I think you both need to sit down calmly and rationally and discuss what this means now for you both as individuals, as a couple and as parents. There’s a huge amount to sort out after 25 years but it’s great that you’re in a financial position to do what you want. If you do decide to go your own ways then I hope you can go as friends after all that time together. Good luck.

Leave
Just leave
Your ds will be OK
Far better a happier home and parents, surely?

I don’t think leaving is the answer 25 years is a long time i have been married the same this week is my25 anniversary. I understand your pain as i feel im going through the same, he finds reasons to argue where needs are not there i went to this site to look for answers i think these men we call our husbands are also experiencing the change where according to research i have done they need more zinc, us woman go through the change but they dont highlight the men. Trust me my life is so hard at times but we need to consider that men go through change also

Men verbally and emotionally abuse their wives because of andropause?
Uh huh. What colour is the sky in your world?
Andropause results on lower testosterone, so if anything they should be less aggressive, not more.
Btw, andropause is not remotely comparable to menopause in severity.

You just don't get it. This is 2024. Women shouldn't have to suffer verbal and emotional abuse from men. If we genuinely care about other women, we naturally advise them not to take abuse from men. That's what it's about.

This!

Op - have been where you are and after years of indecision I finally got up the guts to file for divorce after 20+ years of marriage . Your husband's words, actions and the pattern of behaviour do not suggest a man who is willing to change or who values you. It's cruel but write down what he said to you and believe his words. It's a reality check for the positive moments. My ex used to say vile things to me but then ask if I wanted a cup of tea. The rollercoaster is real and it really messes with your head.

You need to be really savvy here. Take charge, as above get all your financial info together and pursue divorce before he starts drawing his pension as then you will be in a far inferior position. Your son will be fine ~ mine were. He needs to see that it is not ok to treat someone like this. Please, please put yourself first now - it takes guts and is stressful but when you come out of the other end it is so blissfully peaceful. I'm far less lonely, slowly recovering my confidence, my relationship with my kids is rock solid, my home is calm, happy and peaceful. There is fun once more now we're not walking on eggshells. No interest in dating whatsoever - just enjoying the peace. Oh - and came out well from the divorce too. Judge recognised my contributions to the family and 0rdered 50-50 combined pension split plus equity in my favour (ex a high earner). I can plan now knowing I won't have the rug pulled from under me. I think a lot of these type of men keep the wife stringing along (& they are adept at justifying & having discrete flings) until kids leave home and then leave. By then you are in a far weaker financial position and they come off better. Stay strong.

@Babaghanoushcurious to know how this worked out for you. Going through similar. Would appreciate knowing how it ended or ended up.