Why do I feel I'm not moving on?

[mustmoveon21]

So, divorced 2012 and had 2 x year long relationships since until I met my recent ex just after the first lockdown. We met online but had briefly crossed paths 27 years ago and knew people in common. I think this may have given me a false sense of security but I went along with it due to attraction and on paper he seemed a catch. The red flags were there from date 1, in that he spoke about himself and offloaded and didn't really ask any questions about me. He was out of a relationship of 1 year he said around the Christmas and we met in May. I noticed a like on fb from his ex on the Feb. Anyway, I gave the benefit of the doubt. Slowly it ate away at my confidence and self worth. Little put downs and mocking and he started to then get very controlling. However, he blamed me and my supposed negativity and behaviour and had no idea where he was coming from. He was immature and could not express emotions. His history is he goes from woman to woman and admitted to a 'pattern' and a 'reputation' and how he cheapened himself. He had quite bad reactions to the mother of his children after years and they do not have a good relationship. His kids have met around 7 girlfriends, although this is over around 10 years. He clearly had a knack. He left me so so confused, twisted things, was manipulative and I feel used. However, he seemed to have a hold over me. I got out and he sent me and email 5 weeks later saying he slept with someone else and how he was a mess. It left me quite heartbroken. I briefly went back, is this trauma bonding? but couldn't deal with it.
He is cruel. I went back to online dating myself although I am not ready and haven't met up with anyone, I just cant! last saw him April. Why can't I move on? I'm so sad. Seeing him online with a bad boy look and know he will go back to his pattern or will he find the one it shouldn't bother me, I have had a lucky escape. But why can't I believe it? Any thoughts?

There's a little bit of you that wonders if the horrible things he said about you were actually right, I suspect.

no, thats not the case, he was cruel and abusive

Yes, but that's what happens. Cognitive dissonance. When your logical, sane, adult self knows full well that they're wrong, but a little child part inside you is so frightened that they're right. This must have been happening for you at some point. Emotional manipulation can't take place otherwise. If the victim is fully confident that the abuser is wrong, they don't become a victim, because they don't stick around. It becomes a case of 'We had this horrible day where he said horrible things, so I left him', rather than 'We were together for a while and he kept saying horrible things'.

I didn't stick around in the end but felt trapped. I needed to take is slowly which I communicated but it turned into accusations from him. I didn't ever swear at him, call him names, I was faithful and consistent but I do wonder why I'm feeling so so hurt by what feels like his deceit. I know he wasn't right but he in the end failed to control me which he couldn't cope with. The only thing I feel I really could have done differently was to leave him sooner, but I felt I loved him

I guess he did make me question myself but there was a lot of misinterpretation from him. Plus, he always had to be right. I was too accommodating.
He even commented he wondered if he could manage me and how it was a relationship of convenience.

Maybe read the Lundy Bancroft book so often mentioned on here. Some of the stuff you mention is abuse but you probably don't recognise it as such. Once you know he's abusive you can't Unknow it. I pity the women my ex is with as I know he won't change his behaviour. He just tends to find women that will put up with it this stuff is hard