Confronting him this afternoon

[midnightiswherethedaybegins]

My husband has a fondness for drinking 2-3 large glasses of wine maybe 4-5 nights a week. It’s been the same throughout our relationship and prior, I believe he’d drink much more. He says he has it under control and even works in that field (!). Unfortunately this makes him an ‘expert’. Expert piss head more like! I’m sick of the constant undercurrent of drink in his life and consequently our life. He has on 3 occasions in the past 10 years lied about the quantity he has drunk and that has alarmed me - usually when something shitty has happened. I want him to quit. AIBU?

What about it bothers you exactly?

I'd go down the route of your drinking turns me off. The end.

That's just non negotiable. If you start saying that you think he drinks too much he'll just argue with you, say you're policing him, that you're over reacting to his drinking because your parents were tea total, every ''rationale'' in the book to make you wrong and the drinking not a problem.

Just tell him you got turned off.

I think my x drank more than your husband though.

He just becomes arrogant if it gets close to 3/4 of a bottle and it annoys me. It’s also his need for it. Urgh.

Yeh, it's a turn off.

So it's 3/4s of a bottle every night, almost?

To begin with I tried to tell myself, some people wouldn't consider this a lot, but the fact I should have been paying attention to was that I found it a lot

And although he was not an angry person at all, we didn't do anything like go to the cinema or go for a walk because he was always happy to go out for dinner or to a bar. But if I suggested doing something where there would be no alcohol, he was actually baffled. Like the zoo for example, he laughed at somebody we knew for going to the zoo and I thought, but it's a lovely day, how nice it would be to go to the zoo. That's just an example though. He would have been happy to sit at a table in a bar at the zoo if he could see the animals strolling around outside, but to wander round himself, with just a bottle of water on a sunny day. No.

Five nights a week. Which to me, can’t be good for you. I realise that some people might not see this a lot but I just find it unhealthy that anybody has a reliance on particular substance. It concerns me that this is a priority for him I’m really his family should be the priority.

Well YANBU in that if this is a line or boundary for you then fair enough and you are well within your rights to say you arent happy being with him the way he is anymore.

You will probably get people coming on to quote government guidelines and units and I guess it depends on your circles but two or three glasses of wine a night doesnt sound like being a "pisshead" to me and he was drinking at this level before you got together so it's not like things have changed.

To be honest if a man wanted to curb the way I ate or drank or the kind of lifestyle I had I would probably break up with him.

If it bothers you, it bothers you.

This is your relationship. Someone you are choosing as your life partner. If his drinking bothers you then you don't have to carry on choosing him.

It sounds harsh but I would be very up front with him that it is a complete turn off for you, you don't like it, and you don't want to be with someone who drinks this much.

You don't have to explain or justify yourself, however much he says he's not dependent and doesn't need it etc., it doesn't really matter. If it turns you off it turns you off.

Should have added, it's not unreasonable that it bothers you, but it is unreasonable to try and get him to quit if he doesn't want to.

You can't control his behaviour. Your own choices and behaviour are the things within your control.

Of course, if it bothers you, that is your right. But I do think you need to clarify exactly what it is that bothers you because it sounds a bit nebulous and hard to understand if he's always drunk like this and suddenly you don't like it.

If it's that you think it's unhealthy and your'e worried about his health, okay, fair enough (although be prepared to justify any unhealthy choices of your own).

If it's that he is so busy drinking that he's not engaging with your family life, fulfilling his responsibilities etc, then absolutely, that's important.

But a simple, "I don't like it" is unlikely to have much of an impact.

How did it go?
Did you bring it up?

I did and we’ve agreed to no weekday drinking and 2-3 on a Friday or Saturday. I think to be fair, I was in a foul mood with him in general, as I often am at the start of the summer break, so both at fault really.

Well, good work. That sounds good.

Don't let him co-opt you in to the narrative that ''we'' have a problem with drinking, ykwim?

You are ONLY responsible for your reaction to his drinking.

You’re right @PearlFriday. My only drink problem is my anxiety around it. I’m feeling so much better today about it x

No matter how much or little someone drinks, if their behaviour becomes worse as a result, you're never unreasonable to object to that.