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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Preparing to leave husband with Mental health issues

16 replies

Elizabethr54 · 02/08/2021 00:31

This is the current situation. My husband has long term health conditions but also mental health issues which are getting worse. Now prone to unpredictable mood swings/outbursts. I have known for some time that I cannot continue in this relationship. Atmosphere very stressful. I have my own health conditions made worse by stress. My daughter and 3 Yr old grandson live with us. My daughter knows my thoughts now which is a relief. Last week there was an unpredictable outburst involving my grandson so my daughter and I agreed we need to take action now. My strong support network have given me various advice. My husband has an obsession with knives and I have at least got him to put them all but one into the shed which we lock. He says he keeps one by the bed in case of burglary as he feels vulnerable!! Things I've considered in preparation incase he flips.
My daughter and I take him out to tell him rather than in the house. Having someone with us when we tell him like his friend. Ringing 101 and logging that he's a potential threat. Involving adult social services as his care plan is with them. I'm getting very stressed trying
Has anyone been in a similar situation and could share their thoughts. How do I stay safe once I tell him how I see the situation and not able to continue the relationship. He can be unpredictable and I need to ensure the safety of my daughter and grandson. I'm worried about having to involve the police and how they would affect my younger daughter seeing her dad escorted off the premises.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 02/08/2021 01:31

I know your daughter is an adult but I don't see why she is being involved in telling him you're leaving.

That's your job.

Don't tell him until after you've all left basically. Then you tell him...not your DD.

You probably need to tell the police in advance if you think he's going to be violent. And call Women's Aid today....they can give very pertinent advice about this sort of situation.

And good luck.x

FortunesFave · 02/08/2021 01:33

If you can sort housing in advance, then your daughters and grandson can go there...they should not be there when your husband realises.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2021 01:45

I'm sorry, op, but you have a duty to protect not just yourself but your family, and you need to get every sharp blade weapon out of your home or securely locked up, and if that means involving the police then that's what you must do. Your husband is dangerous and unbalanced, he can not be allowed near any knives, fgs.

Elys3 · 02/08/2021 01:56

I would second calling Women’s Aid for advice.

gonnabeok · 02/08/2021 04:45

You need an exit strategy. The police and women's aid can help with this. Basically you need to sort out where to live first and go without warning him beforehand, he shouldnt know where you will be.

Debetswell · 02/08/2021 04:55

Your dh only needs one knife.
Tell the police

Arrivederla · 02/08/2021 07:14

Why are people assuming that it is the op who needs to leave and find alternative accommodation? Surely if she has her daughter and grandchild living with her it would be better for him to leave.

Original poster

Elizabethr54 · 02/08/2021 08:26

Thank you everybody. I have a strong very close support group who now all know the truth of the situation. After posting initially I realised that the "final" conversation should not include my daughter for various reasons but mainly because I don't want her to feel guilty and also because she is his paid carer through social services. At least then she will still be able to do that. My expectation is for him to leave not us 3 but I will prepare for every event. I'm trying to behave as normal as possible so he doesn't suspect anything. I have a medical procedure due on Friday 13th Aug which (because I have ME and Fybromialga will wipe me out) by the way he hasn't even mentioned or as how I feel because it has taken the attention off him (it has the potential to be cancerous). Thst would make the 3 of us here more vulnerable for a few days so I'll have the conversation after that.
So from all replies read so far action needed:
Get Women's Aid on board
Ring 101 to get me fears logged
I will be taking him out to tell him not in the home and will have a friend experienced in mental health with me. She known us from day 1 and should be able to diffuse the situation.
Have bags packed and ready just in case.
Get ALL weapons into a safe place
Contact Adult Social services as hes registered there with his care plan and then they are on board finding him somewhere to live. He really needs sheltered accommodation.

OP posts:

Starlightstarbright1 · 02/08/2021 08:37

You are most at risk at the time of leaving.

My ex had mh issues. I went into a refuge. It takes time to seperate what is mh and what is aggressive / abusive behaviour but ultimately no one should have to tolerate aggressive behaviour

Strikethrough · 02/08/2021 09:34

OP, you cannot be expecting that you will simply have a conversation with your husband and that he will then agree to leave the family home? He is not a reasonable person, he is not going to agree to that.

Are you saying that you are sleeping in the same room as an unstable man with a knife!? This is NOT something you can tackle without external agencies helping you (police and Women's Aid). As PP have said, leaving is the most dangerous time. Ring the professionals and form a plan for them to remove him from the home (although, to be honest, he would still then know where you live, so if I were you I'd be moving the rest of you out to somewhere he can't find you). Why would your daughter continue as his carer after this?

gamerchick · 02/08/2021 09:46

Your plans not going to work OP. In order for him to leave there's going to have to be a big explosion. He won't just go willingly.

Then he will come back like a boomarang.

You need to go somewhere where he doesn't know. It's unfortunate but he's not just going to give up and accept a huge change while he's so unstable.

Mayhemmumma · 02/08/2021 09:50

That plan isn't safe enough.
You need to leave and have a physical distance immediately, your daughter and child need to go today.
You do not need to tell him face to face straight away. Involve as many agencies as possible who can support you. You are not being 'difficult'
I say this as a social worker. Remember 2 women a week are killed in the UK by their partner or ex partner and leaving is a dangerous time.

OrchestraOfWankery · 02/08/2021 09:51

Your daughter shouldn't be carer to such a potentially dangerous, unstable person- even if he is her father.

Notnowkate · 02/08/2021 09:58

What about just calling the police and telling them exactly what you've posted on here and that you need police presence when you tell him for your own safety?

FortunesFave · 02/08/2021 14:22

Why would your DD carry on being his paid carer? If he's dangerous I mean? Sounds dangerous and ill advised.

BrilliantBetty · 02/08/2021 14:29

But even if he leaves, which he may not agree to and may have legal rights, he will know where you live and could target you all in the home? Including the child.
As unsettling as it is, it should be you moving and leaving the immediate area so he isn't able to follow and target you.

If you are at risk of DV you have rights to be assisted with accommodation, you'll be priority for housing with local authority.

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