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Original poster

Age of consent & age gaps

31 replies

LolitaIsNotRomantic · 02/08/2021 00:15

Due to my own personal history, it's a topic I deeply care about. For context, I was abused by a teacher aged 15.
My daughter is the age I was when I met him and it's made me think about those issues a lot lately.
Now, my question is this: would it not be a good idea to make a distinction between the age of consent when both parties are minors (16-17) and raised to 18 if one is over 18?
I'm asking because in my case, the guy groomed another young girl after me but it was legal as she wasn't his student and not underage. Yet it damaged her too.
Does anyone else think it might be a simple solution to prevent similar situations and protect teens better?

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 02/08/2021 00:28

So a "minor" couple where one is 16 and the other is 17 would be fine to have sex, but when the 17 yo turned 18 it would be illegal? I don't think you thought this through.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2021 00:31

@HirplesWithHaggis

So a "minor" couple where one is 16 and the other is 17 would be fine to have sex, but when the 17 yo turned 18 it would be illegal? I don't think you thought this through.
Exactly this. Sorry, op, but all this would do is make criminals out of innocent people. It simply does not make sense.
Original poster
LolitaIsNotRomantic · 02/08/2021 00:31

I mean if both are under 18 when they start a relationship then that's not a problem. I think it would deter predators yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
LolitaIsNotRomantic · 02/08/2021 00:34

I just think teens are not protected well enough. A grown man or woman should not legally have the right to target a 16 year old. My solution may not be the right one but something should be done to address this. Grooming is a problem.

OP posts:
Dntevenknowit · 02/08/2021 00:34

@LolitaIsNotRomantic

I mean if both are under 18 when they start a relationship then that's not a problem. I think it would deter predators yes.
I think it would be very difficult to prove when a relationship did or didn't start. I also don't think it will deter anyone. If they’re going to prey on a young women/man then they will regardless of the age of consent.
Original poster
LolitaIsNotRomantic · 02/08/2021 00:36

If they’re going to prey on a young women/man then they will regardless of the age of consent.

If it's so useless then why even have an age of consent ?!

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 02/08/2021 00:37

Absolutely agree grooming is an issue, but a "grown adult" is 18 and it is not inappropriate for an 18 yo to be dating a 16 or 17 yo. You need to define an age gap (3years? 5?) rather than an age. And even then it's difficult.

Original poster
LolitaIsNotRomantic · 02/08/2021 00:41

Of course criminals are criminals and will do what they want regardless. Don't I know it. But still, I think more could be done to protect teens from grooming. I don't think it's good enough that only extreme cases get justice (and even then, barely ever)

I wouldn't have thought this to be a particularly controversial stance on this forum.

OP posts:
Dntevenknowit · 02/08/2021 00:43

@LolitaIsNotRomantic

If they’re going to prey on a young women/man then they will regardless of the age of consent.

If it's so useless then why even have an age of consent ?!

Because legally society has created an age as a country in law that we feel is acceptable. In many European countries the age if consent is younger. I’m not saying I agree with this.

What I think is that there is a benchmark as in age 16 in the UK and that helps us define appropriate and inappropriate relationships from a legal stand point. By making it ok for certain age groups to have sex at a certain age but others not it creates lots of grey area in law which would make things very difficult to prosecute and may make things even more difficult creating more problems rather than a solution.

Original poster
LolitaIsNotRomantic · 02/08/2021 00:44

Defining an age gap is similar to what I suggest. I thought in fact tolerating sex between minors without criminalising them but cracking down on adult v minor was potentially simpler.

OP posts:
Original poster
LolitaIsNotRomantic · 02/08/2021 00:48

@43Dntevenknowit
Then maybe it should be raised to 18. God knows justice is served so seldom on that front that i don't predict prisons to be overrun by teen delinquents. However if it makes life more difficult for pervs like the one who targeted me and that girl then great.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2021 00:50

When was this relationship with your teacher? It's been illegal for a teacher to have sex with a pupil under the age of 18 for a very long time.

Dntevenknowit · 02/08/2021 00:51

There is something in lots of countries called the ‘close- in- age’ exemption. This already provides - I believe what you’re suggesting. It just isnt in law in the Uk.

Original poster
LolitaIsNotRomantic · 02/08/2021 00:54

A long time ago but no, it wasn't legal then either. However no one cared. I don't want to go into details as i'm still angry at the way it was handled.
And the point is, it was awful in so many ways but he hurt someone else too who didn't need to be his student to be damaged. She should have been protected but it was deemed ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
LolitaIsNotRomantic · 02/08/2021 00:55

The issue was a grown man playing with young girls. That should not be ok.

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 02/08/2021 00:57

“LolitaIsNotRomantic

I just think teens are not protected well enough. A grown man or woman should not legally have the right to target a 16 year old. My solution may not be the right one but something should be done to address this. Grooming is a problem.”

I agree, though I am not sure what the answer is.

I am so sorry for what happened to you💐
You must be thinking about this a lot now your daughter is the same age you were. I hope you are ok.

I know of a case where a teacher at a girls school had sex with a pupil at the party for the girls that had left just after the end of term. All legal. Just horrible.

Original poster
LolitaIsNotRomantic · 02/08/2021 00:57

@Dntevenknowit

There is something in lots of countries called the ‘close- in- age’ exemption. This already provides - I believe what you’re suggesting. It just isnt in law in the Uk.
Yes, sounds like what I'm talking about. I wonder where it's enforced and if it works.
OP posts:
Original poster
LolitaIsNotRomantic · 02/08/2021 01:01

@scrollingleaves
Thank you! Yes, it's been tough. I've revisited that whole period and it all came back to me.
Seeing my lovely smart daughter, yet so so young and imagining that happening to her... it's just heartbreaking. And i'm just wondering how those predators can be deterred a bit more at least.

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 02/08/2021 01:03

I even think the age of consent is too young given we know now that neurologically the brain has not finished developing completely until 25 and is basically pretty hay-wire till 20.

There are so many things you can’t do until 18, why is the age of consent for something so potentially life changing 16? But no doubt it wouldn’t be practical because of expectations and how freely people want to live.

ChloeCrocodile · 02/08/2021 01:04

I think we should "Romeo and Juliet" consent laws. So two 15yo having sex isn't illegal because they are within a couple of years age difference, but a 15yo and a 19yo is illegal. I think that a two year difference should be the case for all under 18s, with a lower limit of 15. At the moment we seem to say that a 16yo is old enough be in a sexual "relationship" with a 30yo, but can't drive a car. Madness IMO.

Original poster
LolitaIsNotRomantic · 02/08/2021 01:05

I know... in California for example it's set at 18. No idea if it has an impact on underage sex and grooming issues.
Again, I don't think teens experimenting is wrong, just the power imbalance and potential damage if one is twice the age of the other.

OP posts:
Original poster
LolitaIsNotRomantic · 02/08/2021 01:06

At the moment we seem to say that a 16yo is old enough be in a sexual "relationship" with a 30yo, but can't drive a car.

^^ this, exactly.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2021 01:07

And i'm just wondering how those predators can be deterred a bit more at least.

I personally believe the best way to prevent these men from abusing girls is to educate the girls about consent, grooming, and the power dynamic of relationships with a large age gap. We have to teach our daughters about predators who focus on much younger females and why they do this.

SpindleWhorl · 02/08/2021 01:10

Laws like the one you suggest are in force in quite a few countries and US states, OP. I don't know why some posters immediately jumped to 'it'll never work'?

Original poster
LolitaIsNotRomantic · 02/08/2021 01:12

Well i did think of the US posting this but not sure of how it works there exactly.

OP posts: