I have an STD and I feel trapped and ashamed by it

[Sarz1991]

OK so long story this has been on my mind daily since I ended an 8 and a half year relationship with my ex almost 4 months ago.

So I was a late bloomer and I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20. But unfortunately I was quite silly and didn't use protection a lot of the time (I have only slept with 7 guys in total) and I ended up discovering I had Herpes just under a year into me and my ex's relationship.

So of course it didn't bother me so much when I was with him because I thought I was going to be spending the rest of my life with him. But since its ended I'm feeling rather down about it and disgusted because I think that's its going to be 100 times harder to try find 'the one' when I have this STD.

I seriously feel so trapped and although I am not into one night stands anymore because I want to make sure that a guy is into me and not the sex... I just feel like I am cursed because I can't just flippantly decide after a few dates with a guy that I want to sleep with him because I have a contagious STD. On top of that I discovered in January of this year that I have this other contagious STD that is curable unlike the other one but the warts have not disappeared after been given prescribed cream for it to go away.

So I am just feeling feeling so disgusted and trapped right now. I am not enjoying dating and sort of life tbh because this is eating away at me everyday. Any advice on my situation and any advice on when and what to say to someone you are dating if things got serious?

Get the warts frozen.

Do you have many outbreaks of herpes?

So this guy gave you TWO STDs?

Sorry that does sound demoralising but you will get these things under control with treatment and feel better about them! These conditions aren’t rare by any means. The end of your relationship must have been tough and I can get how maybe that has combined with your worries about the STDs to make everything seem bad. Either one of those things on its own would have been easier. But you will get past this stage.

I have herpes. I tell people when we are at the chatting stage and if they dont like it we stop chatting. I have so far only had one person say he wasn’t interested in me after I disclosed… but he messaged me a few months later asking to meet up he was told no chance!

Herpes is manageable. I always have a supply of antivirals, try and eat well, have little stress, take my vitamins.

Get the warts frozen off. It will get them under control in no time. It is a really common STD.

My only suggestion would to be to disclose this information once you have already been chatting to somebody, but before sleeping with them.

@Sampafie perhaps read up on herpes and other stds. They can lay dormant/show no symptoms for a long time. For all you know the OP passed them on to her ex.

Definitely get the warts frozen. I had them age 17, had them frozen and haven't had them since

You are no different to the person you was before these viruses. That is what they are, viruses that many people have. Please get some help for both of them and speak to someone about this.

They do not define you.

Thanks for all your kind messages. I had 1 or 2 mild and 1 moderate outbreak since I got covid last November. And it was in January 2021 that I discovered the warts. But in my 7 -8years of having Herpes I only had 2 severe outbreaks when I first discovered I had the skin condition. So for the last 5-6 years I've had barely any outbreaks at all, any of the few that I had were so mild that I was surprised I even noticed they were there. So that side of having the skin condition is generally fine than god. Oh its just the thoughts of telling people I'm dating that I hate. I am from and living in Ireland and I am really starting to think that Irish guys would be fussiest and would run a mile from me🙈 So when do ye mean to tell them? Lile having your first conversation on online dating or after a few dates in person when you know both of us are attracted to each other?

I have herpes too and it really isn’t that much of a big deal once I've told partners. I always explained in detail about when I was diagnosed, what my triggers are (stress) and just how common it really is.

I was told by a sexual health nurse that once the warts are gone then you don’t need to tell anyone you sleep with about them. It’s caused by HPV and you don’t need to tell sexual partners. I had one outbreak of warts about 13 years ago and nothing since. The nurse said my body has cleared the HPV strain on its own and no need to tell anyone.

I haven’t told a single sexual partner since.

Never had herpes so not sure if that’s the same but if you are not having flare ups then I can’t see why you would need to anyway.

@Vanilla1Cookies

I was told by a sexual health nurse that once the warts are gone then you don’t need to tell anyone you sleep with about them. It’s caused by HPV and you don’t need to tell sexual partners. I had one outbreak of warts about 13 years ago and nothing since. The nurse said my body has cleared the HPV strain on its own and no need to tell anyone.

I haven’t told a single sexual partner since.

Never had herpes so not sure if that’s the same but if you are not having flare ups then I can’t see why you would need to anyway.

Thank you for your reply. But unfortunately Herpes can be passed on during sex when there are no visible sores/outbreaks and even when wearing protection but obviously the chances are lowered by about 50% for the latter.

However I have been researching Herpes and fortunately for me because I have had it with the last 8 years, the chances of passing it onto a partner is slimmer, and also the fact that I have barely experienced outbreaks in the last 5 years (having covid brought on 2 moderate outbreaks).

It just still gets to me this having to disclose that I have Herpes. Because in fairness it is literally just a skin condition that for me and most others occurs every now and then. Almost like getting an outbreak of spots on your face or back every now and then!

It's just the horrible name and the fact that's ots only passed on through sexual contact.

So the bottom line is I have to tell anyone I'm dating that i have it? However I am thinking that maybe after like the 3rd or 4th date when you the person is madly into you and I am too. And just to clarify I won't have sex with someone unless they wanted to be in a relationship with me
I am 30 years old and looking to settle down within the next year or 2, all going well, so I don't see anything wrong with waiting until you know someone wants to be with you

About 25% of the population have genital herpes, 89%+ oral herpes and 80% have no idea because they have no symptoms.

It’s ridiculous that the stigma for genital is there and the need to “tell” but not for oral when 60% of new genital cases are caused by oral!

It’s all utter madness for a skin condition and as always driven by Americans.

I was raped at 19 and contracted genital herpes.
I’m 45 now.
It’s important to tell sexual partners before you have sex with them.
I used to get about 6-8 outbreaks a year but have been really stressed.
I take antivirals for suppression every day. They reduce the outbreaks to maybe 1-2 a year.
I have been rejected by a man once when disclosing it to a partner.
I was married for 14 years and dated another man for 5-6 years and neither developed any symptoms.
It’s a painful condition when the outbreaks are there. But much less likely to pass it on when you know that you have it and take the medications and inform any sexual partners.
Stress, peanuts and pure orange juice were my triggers to cause an outbreak.

Unfortunately you can't do much about the herpes as you have got it now but you can lose the guilt and stop blaming yourself. Most people have had unprotected sex at some time and you were unlucky to get herpes from it.

You are right that it is a skin condition and you need to think of it that way. You can catch it in many ways, not just sexually, my friend's baby caught it from his dad kissing his cheek, he had sores on his face throughout his childhood.
Take suppressants, they reduce shedding. Gen up on it, millions of us carry the virus- think of it this way, not "I have herpes" but I carry a virus that many others carry too.
Most of us dont know who passed it on to us, it can lie dormant for years. I get an outbreak every five or so years now and no-one to my knowledge has caught it from me. I get the sores on my buttocks. I avoid sex if I can feel the prodrome and I double up on the suppressants.
People who get cold sores on their mouths don't tie themselves up with worry, but they are the ones that are highly likely to pass it on (esp via oral sex).
I usually start the conversation by asking if a new partner gets cold sores... it makes the conversation easier to have.
Above all, it gets easier, it really does. (I have carried the virus for 30+ years now).

It does frustrate me that genital = big stigma disclosure. Oral = don’t ever mention it and no one talks about it!

willowGrand yes, me too. I have a friend whose whole face swells with cold sores on her mouth and nose and yet she tells me she does not disclose this to sexual partners. I find this double standard really sad and very annoying.