Does your DH/DP praise you, on your achievements, and how?

[peachypresley]

How does your dh/dp react when you achieve something big?What do they say or do? How much do they talk about it? I've recently become aware that dh has little reaction to my success. When I look back I can see it with many past situations. I am not bigheaded and don't look for reassurance or praise. It wasn't until I a script was accepted for a major theatre play recently , and friends were astonished, jumping in joy, screaming hurrah. That it made me think dh's "thats great" said in a low monotone voice was, well, I don't know...I guess I expected his reaction to be bigger than that of our friends. Also that he hasn't even asked what the play is about, but someone I work with in another job offered to proof read it for typos, dh didn't. In the past when I've occasionally questioned this he has always said he's stressed or tired. I sound like I am seeking admiration, but really I'm not, I have not had an easy life, I grew up in poverty, and just would be nice to get some validation from dh. Strangely, though he has said nothing about the play to me, I know he has talked about it endlessly at work, which I find odd, he's mainly been telling people that his wife is so talented she is doing...but has never said it to me.
What do you make of this?

I think that's pretty normal.

No-one in our family goes around gushing to each other about how great they are or their achievements are.
I don't to dh and he wouldn't to me, but we'd both tell other people about each other's achievements, as we are proud of each other.

"that is amazing, I am so proud of you" is hardly gushing. Yanbu op. He should be proud of your achievements and should tell you so.

Hmm not sure if this counts but I'm a SAHM at the moment and he tells me very regularly I'm an incredible mum/ he feels lucky that I'm the mother of his children etc which I think is lovely as I put 110% in to this role x

Strangely, though he has said nothing about the play to me, I know he has talked about it endlessly at work, which I find odd, he's mainly been telling people that his wife is so talented she is doing...but has never said it to me.

I thought he was being a bit of a dick/potentially a bit envious until I got to this bit, and now I actually think he's quite sweet and just not good at bift declarations. When I published a book DH was really lovely and supportive - brought me endless cups of tea as I wrote into the night, listened to me talk about it endlessly, read a full draft (and it was quite a boring specialist academic book, it wasn't an easy read!), took me out for a big meal to celebrate the day it was published. I don't think he's actually ever said 'I'm proud of you', though - that's just him.

Exactly. What Hardbackwriter said.

It's like some people say "I love you" on a regular basis to their loved ones, but others don't necessarily feel it needs putting into words. It is apparent through all the little things they do day in, day out, through the years.
I don't ever remember either of my parents saying "I love you" but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that they loved us all, wholeheartedly and unquestioningly. It was so obvious, it doesn't need saying sort of thing - like being proud of you in this scenario.

@mrssunshinexxx that is so lovely to hear. I have been a sahm, and in 17 years have never heard those words.

When i booked my 1st half marathon, DH said “you’ll never do it”. No “wow good for you”, just negativity.

Then 4 years ago i booked one of the toughest marathons in the UK. And he said “what for?”. Again, no positivity. I trained hard and ran it, then ran it again the following year, just to prove him wrong.

Ive realised its just him. His way. Gotta be something to do with his weird parents!

"Well done bubba"
"You did amazing"
"That was really hard can't believe you manage to stick it out"

My husband praises me a lot

We also bicker a lot

Yes he does. We celebrate a lot of the small stuff in life, so if I win an ward at work, he might buy flowers or get a bottle of sparkling wine. Not every time - depends what else is on his mind. But when I have self doubt he happily stands there and reels off a list of things he thinks I do well.

Like a PP, I don't think this is gushing at all. Why not be positive and encouraging and admiring of our loved ones when they thrive. We do the same with DC too. I love an excuse for a small celebration, even if it's just cooking their favourite dinner and lighting some candles.

I would feel sad if my DH behaved this way because I need more outward affection from my partner (not ashamed to admit that!)

However as PP said, this could just be his way, and it might not mean he doesn't care and isn't celebrating you in his own way. You should talk to him about it and tell him what you need, he may not even realise.

I think the real question is - are you happy?

I've been with a partner who was very quiet about any of my achievements, didn't seem fussed at all; I'm now with a partner who is open and kind, supports me through hard times but also celebrates my wins with me, is by my side 100%. I never felt that from my previous partner, I was either put down, belittled or just ignored.

I absolutely need to be with someone who can wholeheartedly cheer me on. It gives me so much motivation, drive and passion.

And back to you, OP, congratulations on the script!!! That is absolutely worth getting excited about! Well done.

My DH is supportive and proud of me but in a quiet way. Occasionally his pride is evident in the way he speaks about me to others but he doesn’t gush or lavish praise. He rarely comments on my appearance but if he says I look good, I know I really look good and if he says he doesn’t like something (about five times in over 50 years) I take it off and bin it.

I found out on Friday I was awarded quite a prestigious fellowship. I messaged my DP to tell him and he was delighted. When I got home he produced a bottle of fizz to toast my success, told me I deserved it after all my hard work, and was just generally over the moon for me.

I mean I could understand the not screaming with joy, if he is a reserved type but I would want to feel he was actually really happy for me and for him to take an interest in the play, so I can understand why you are a bit miffed.

What would he do if he had really good news he was very happy about for himself? Is he not saying much about the play because he thinks he is a bit clueless about plays, even though he admires your writing?

On the plus side if he is just a really reserved but ultimately nice person you can use him as a model for the typical English man in your writing.

Mine would make a fuss over exam success, new job, promotion etc but things like success in hobbies etc not really. I’m not into huge gushing displays though so he would never do that as knows I would hate it.

So he doesn't really praise you but is happy to flaunt your achievements outside of the house? I'd be pissed off. How's his self esteem, not that that's an excuse... I imagine if he acknowledges your achievements he will feel shame because he doesn't feel that he has achieved very much (even if he has).

You want praise from someone you presumably care very much about, there's nothing wrong with that at all. It's something that will you bring you closer and is natural.

Hmm. This reminds me of my ex. He'd sing my praises publicly when I had success, and told anyone who would listen how amazing I was, how proud he was etc. But when it was just us, he barely said anything. His pride was performative- he behaved publicly in the way he thought was expected of him, but didn't bother in private.

He was jealous, I think, and became uncomfortable with my success and especially when that meant I made more money than him. It culminated in an affair between him and my BF.

Just be mindful of performative men, OP. And CONGRATULATIONS!! You've achieved something amazing!

First of all, congratulations! That's such an achievement!

My DP is not particularly expressive or emotional (he has his moments, he can be very sweet and playful). However, if something like this happened to me, he would have a beaming smile, give me a big hug, and say something like "I knew you could do it, well done, that's amazing". When this stuff happens for us, we always do a little toast at dinner, even if it's just with our glass of water because its a Wednesday!

He definitely doesn't sound supportive, I can't imagine something like this happening and just getting a "That's great". Sorry OP.

My husband isn’t a big reactor in any situation. If I became CEO of Google, he’d probably say “that’s nice, darling” but he’d show me he’s incredibly proud.

He’s more likely to give me a hundred private “you’re doing so well/I’m delighted for you/I’m proud of you” comments than one big public outpouring.

I have no doubt he thinks I’m just the best thing ever

Thank you everyone

@WineAcademy I really felt your question, and actually no, I don't think I am happy.

@Colourmeclear I am not expecting gushing, even just him showing an interest, he has never asked what the play is about, no interest, didn't even read a single page. BUT can be gushing in front of others about me. So he knows what to say and do, but seems to just do it to show off to others. It bothers me. He is insecure, and accuses me of being jealous of him out of the blue, which I am not, never have been.

@SilentPanic he is performative, he is different at home, than outside the house, indoors he's so uninterested, often been surprised at how much he talks about things when we go out with others, surprises me as he's never shown the interest.

When I have talked to him about this he agrees he doesn't show much reaction to my achievements, and says its because he's tired.

He also keeps saying it might be difficult to commit to the play, because I won't have time with child care etc, maybe I should drop it.

would be nice to get some validation from dh.

There are two quite separate things here, both of which I think are important.

Firstly, the sooner you can rely on yourself for self validation, the happier snd more stable your life will be. Honestly, any time snd effort you put into self validation will reap really good benefits.

Secondly, treat anything your partner says as jam, rather than the bedrock of your validation. If you are strong in yourself this will work brilliantly, otherwise it will always be a stone in your shoe, a mild or even bigger irritant that stops you enjoying your life.

Ah, having written it out, I see it's just the same. Welcome praise from a partner but don't rely on it. Generate that self worth yourself, your life will be do.much.better

I thought he would be insecure. My ex was very similar.

He is feeling shame and he's trying to get rid of it by 1) minimising your great achievement and 2) convincing you, you can't do it for X, y, or z. It's not your problem to make him feel better. He needs to work on himself and step up to be the supportive partner you need. I wonder if this is also part of a wider dynamic.

Very sad to hear that @peachypresley I'm sure you are a wonderful mother and your children will be so grateful when they look back on their childhood and always had mum at home x

Was he raised in a cold home? Sometimes people raised by parents who were not interested in them, or were critical or didn't praise them find it difficult to praise others or show appreciation when they are adults.

It's a bit like this in my house so I just praise myself a lot and tell him to join in, or I ring someone else for praise when I feel I need it.

Congratulations on the script. I work in a related industry and know exactly how hard it is to get a script accepted even for a small studio production let alone a major theatre company. That is HUGE. You must be exceedingly talented. I love going to the theatre and love new drama best of all, so hope I get to see it some day.