Sexuality.

[YourHandInMyHand]

I'm in my late 30s.

I've never had a celebrity crush, I've never fancied people in bands in a physical way. Even people I see in day to day life I don't ever fancy anyone in a sexual way. I can appreciate if someone is beautiful/handsome, stylish, well groomed etc but it doesn't give me a physical/sexual reaction.

I've had several long term relationships and a few short term ones, the odd fling, etc.

I've enjoyed the pleasurable side of sex in a way. e.g. that feels nice, that feels good etc. But I've never been a very active or demonstrative lover. I've tended to end up in a more submissive role, and it's only recently I've thought about why.

I've no desire to touch anyone's genitals. I've no desire to perform oral sex on anyone. I could happily live the rest of my life without doing either!

I've felt love for people I've been in relationships with, but I've never felt what some of my friends describe, that intense physical sexual attraction.

If I try to watch porn it doesn't arouse me. If anything I tend to find it ridiculous or repulsive.

If I masturbate I'm solely focusing on my own body and how it feels and its done to relax me. I never fantasise about anyone or anything while I masturbate.

Is this asexual?!

Isn't asexual where you have absolutely no interest in sex at all? Including masturbating? You've obviously got a very low sex drive but there's nothing wrong with that. It's at the very low end of the spectrum that's all.

No, I don't think so. You say you like sex, it feels nice, etc, just not the amazing intense pleasure that others say they feel. In other words you can take it or leave it. I wouldn't say that was a bad way to be as long as you are sure you are not holding back for some reason, ie afraid to be vulnerable.

It is possible that one day you meet someone who does make you feel ecstatic but we cannot see into the future. It's also possible to feel a strong emotional attraction in which your senses are heightened; that can be extremely fulfilling and enhances sexual pleasure.

I can't tell if you are male or female, I suppose it shouldn't make much difference but there is no doubt that men and women are different when it comes to sex.

If you are generally happy with yourself as you are I wouldn't worry about it, just take things as they come.

It sounds as though you have a libido but don't experience sexual attraction to people, which sounds like a form of asexuality to me. When you have sexual relationships with people, do you want to snuggle in a sensual but not sexual way, and sex is more re like masturbation with somebody else?

I'm currently single and happy to stay that way.

I honestly don't know if I'd be bothered if I never had sex again.

Sometimes I like to sit cuddled up to someone, but not much. With my kids yes. Even partners I've lived with I've not been overly needy in terms of wanting hugs/kisses/snuggles. It has been commented on in a negative way with everyone I've lived with.

When I've enjoyed sex it's literally just that I'm enjoying the physical sensation, in the same was as if I was alone. I've no desire to give my partner pleasure (eg hands/oral). I don't look at anyone's bodies or genitals and want to have sex with them, or interact with them sexually.

Asexuality is a spectrum. Some asexuals experience no sexual desire or arousal at all, and do not masturbate or engage in any sexual activity. Others may still gain pleasure from sex or masturbation as a purely physical process, but experience no attendant desire or sexual attraction.

You are the only person who can define your own sexuality - other people’s views don’t determine who you are! I would read up about asexuality and what asexuals say about their experiences to help you determine how you feel and whether it seems right to you.

I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you, but nonetheless let me just say that asexuality is a completely normal and natural part of the spectrum of human sexuality. A friend of mine from university is asexual and she says it can be alienating to live in a world where so much emphasis is placed on sexual desire as part of the human experience. I hope that however you define yourself, you feel loved and accepted in your community.

Part of sex is wanting to pleasure who you're with. Even taking sex out of the equation, loving someone does mean that you want to do nice things for them.

Why do you want a name for it, OP? Isn't it just you being you, and that's great?

@TheFoundations when "you just being you" is different from people's expectations, and from the norm, it can be really useful to have a shorthand, relatively impersonal way to describe yourself to other people when it is relevant, and to find other people who have had similar experiences to talk to.

I first came onto Mumsnet when DC1 was little because I wanted advice and tips on parenting from other mothers. A generic "peoplesnet" where my parenting status was no big deal and just me being me would have been no use at all. The same goes for asexual people when it comes to sex and relationship advice.

@DaisyWaldron Yes, I understand the concept, thank you.

I was asking OP specifically. People need names for things for different reasons. Perhaps OP might like to answer for herself, rather than you doing it for her.

[quote DaisyWaldron]@TheFoundations when "you just being you" is different from people's expectations, and from the norm, it can be really useful to have a shorthand, relatively impersonal way to describe yourself to other people when it is relevant, and to find other people who have had similar experiences to talk to.

I first came onto Mumsnet when DC1 was little because I wanted advice and tips on parenting from other mothers. A generic "peoplesnet" where my parenting status was no big deal and just me being me would have been no use at all. The same goes for asexual people when it comes to sex and relationship advice.[/quote]
Well explained.
As an ace, i just wanted to say thank you.

www.asexuality.org/

Try here OP

Sorry, I didn't get any notifications for these replies!

I'd just like to explore how I feel about this, reflect on my past relationships, know what I want for the future, and just generally understand myself better.

After decades of only putting other people's needs first, and feeling I'd lost the feeling of who I am, I've promised myself I will focus on learning to know and understand myself better.

One part of this has been the confirmation that I am indeed, neurodiverse, something I've wondered about for a long time. Having that clear in my mind has been amazing for me.

The other part is my sexuality. I don't want anymore failed relationships. I want to figure out who I am sexually and what I want or don't want going forward.

And yes, I'd love to hear from and speak to others who feel the same which is why I posted. I'm rather clueless about it all, and some support from others who have explored the same feelings seems vital for me.