Long time lurker so forgive me for a long post, but I need to get this off my chest… sharing my deeply troubled thoughts .
I’m in my mid 50’s and find myself tormented by memories of sexual abuse from multiple family members.
I have never been able to open up with anyone .. best friend, husband …etc all very loving solid people . Why .? because I just don’t want to have that in the open … to have them look or thing of me differently … to know the horror that I experienced as a young girl. I’m pretty sure I will never be able to be entirely open with those closest to me.
My parents divorced leaving me living with my dad and three brothers .. them teenagers with me the youngest. I saw my mother at weekends … most of those sitting in smoke filled pubs with her and my stepfather.
My eldest brother ( I’m no contact with him for other reasons ) abused me for a few years . I cannot get those images out of my mind … his manipulative strategies to get me on my own.
My middle brother did not physically abuse me but disturbingly masturbated on my bed.. I saw him doing that once ( he does not know that I’m aware though after that I literally had to change my sheets constantly as I found stains …no doubt what it was ) . This went on for a few years before I moved out to live with my Mum.
I live abroad now and an in pretty good terms with that brother, though I now ask myself WHY? I guess I don’t want to Rock the boat and can compartmentalize the inner torment with the desire to have some family life when I go home to visit.
Moving in with my Mum was another level of nightmare. Both mum and stepfather were functioning alcoholics. My step father took over … kissing me , groping me in bed and trying to put his hands down my pants. Honestly - I think my Mum was aware as I recall her mentioning this as if it was sort sort of education. This was long before sex abuse was discussed but when she thought it had gone too far she said … no more of that nonsense .,? ! I grew close to my Mum after my stepfather died …though she facilitated some pretty reckless behavior when I now know that she should have guided me and helped me understand how not to conduct my formative teenage years. I never confronted her with her seeming .. acceptance of his ( stepfathers ) behavior. It’s too late now as she is died from her alcoholism.
I have been struggling to sleep as this images pop into my mind constantly. I struggle to understand how my mother could leave me alone as a child, under ten … with no females for support.
As a grown up, I have always been perceived as strong … I see myself as a survivor … or rather needing to survive. Surprisingly, ( no real guidance on education.. study etc ) have done very well in my career and have no issues with friendships or communication. Yet I am deeply wounded… angry inside and wanted to share this with others as you may have some advice on how I can erase the shame and ugly images which torment me.