My husband is a compulsive liar. He hides information from me, and goes out of his way to be deceptive. It’s been like this for years and started small and at the minute he seems he will lie about what he’s had for dinner.
Is this something you can accept? Can I have a life with him and just accept that he wants to live a secretive life?
He seems averse to any feeling of ‘control’ - I imagine due to his childhood, but he should be working on that. When I say control - he thinks that me expecting him to tell me certain things is controlling.
When he’s found out lying, he becomes nasty. Cold! He detaches completely and acts like a whole other person. He stares through me. He will be angry with me until I just drop it.
This goes on for days because he’s so unkind to me that I’ll be upset the following day and because I’m not my usual self he will continue to act like a child and be grumpy with the kids even.
I mean like 2 hours of him being horrible to me whilst I cry. He’s very unkind.
Today we’re on day 3/4 - I can’t even remember. I feel so down because he’s been so unkind to me but when we got up this morning I tried my best to be normal for the kids and he sat with a blanket over him with a stony face. Ignored the kids until he had to speak and when I said “is this what dads do?” He responded with “what do mums do, just have a go all the time?” Then told me he’s sick of it. He’s exhausted and can’t even just sit. It wasn’t that he was sitting. We have young children and I had one on my knee who was upset and another was almost hurting herself and he wouldn’t even move to deal with it. But he gaslights and then acts as though what I’m saying is he can’t be tired.
He’s obviously quite abusive and I know that. He tries to control the narrative and likes to be a victim.
When it’s not like this though it’s okay. He’s a good dad and he is usually very kind to me.
Part of me thinks I should just accept who he is and get on with it and it And not try to have conversations about his behaviour.
But to me that’s a shallow relationship and doesn’t seem sustainable or something that will make me happy.
Do I stick that out until the kids are older and finances are more secure.
To me it just seems simple. Don’t lie and be a nice person and we could have a really happy life. It frustrates me that he chooses this.
One person said to me once that men can change once you’ve had children and this seems to have happened but I find it hard to comprehend. He always lied a little but the nastiness started after I had my first child. Blatant disrespect and almost resentment towards me that only comes out if he gets called out on something.
It’s a horrible cycle of him being loving and kind and then horrible. Because I cling on to the nice parts and I crave that and I act quite desperate to get him to be nice to me. I am really quite ashamed of myself.