Why does he always blame me?

[florisypuncen]

Me and my ex split and he has blamed me for the whole thing.
He honestly treated me horribly,emotionally abusive.
He never had any empathy,he had so many narcissistic traits.
He caused arguments if I asked a simple question.

He would claim he never said things he said ...he told me I had got it wrong.
He made me insecure,made me feel worthless etc ...yet blamed me.
He said my behaviour caused this and he always gave me the benefit of the doubt (I honestly did nothing wrong)
He blew so hot then ice cold.

I would ask him why he was so quiet and he said I was causing a argument (I wasn't )

Why doesn't he see that he treated me horrible?
Why blame me for everything?
Surely he knows how shit he treated me?

Because he was a Dick, and your so lucky to escape.
He isn't a nice guy see that and find someone better.
Someone said your only poisoning yourself with these thought and none of it will ever effect him, so smile move on and trade up.

Because he's abusive and wants you to believe you are worthless and put up with him.

He probably doesn’t because he thinks he’s right.
Move on and don’t give another moment of your life or thoughts to him.
He’s still controlling you, don’t let him.

This is my ex to a tee. People like this lack the emotional maturity and empathy to see or even care that they are in the wrong. They will start an argument with you when it suits and twist it back on you. It's their MO. Don't question why he blames you, you know the truth. Leave him to it, he isn't worth being upset over.

He knows what his behaviour is but he will never acknowledge it as being wrong. Any question or comment you make to him would have been criticism and in his eyes it's a war. You hurt me, I'll hurt you and I'll make you regret it. If you question this, he'll take that as criticism too and so it escalates there is no way in, no compromise and no resolution. There is no breaking down their defences because they are protecting themselves at all cost. You will always be on the other side and they will be always fighting you. They have to create this facade that they are in control, that they feel no shame and it's never their fault because it would destroy them otherwise but this runs deep. Incredibly deep and is unlikely to change. It's too easy to hurt others than to look inside and see who you really are and what you've done.
They are always the first to cry that others are overly sensitive but that's exactly what they are. Over sensitive and straight to anger. It's all they know and all they are capable of. He will not validate your feelings, or agree with your perspective because it doesn't agree with his determination to be blameless and perfect. It shouldn't be that way but it is and victims really get the closure or acknowledgment they need but we hear you and we believe you.

Why are you imagining he will suddenly admit his fault and take responsibility after your relationship has ended, if he wouldn't while it was going on? He's not going to have an epiphany.

Anyway, pop-psychology - most people like to be heroes of their own lives, therefore when they treat someone badly it must be because that person deserved it, and they will justify it that way. Therefore in his mind, you deserved everything you got and worse.

Colourmeclear has articulated everything so well. It's a shame that people have to live these experiences in order to realise what some people are really like. That is a spot on description.

You will drive yourself mad trying to work this out. You are a reasonable decent person and so you can't fathom his behaviour - because his behaviour is not that of a rational, decent person. So please stop trying.

There are 2 options here - one is that he knows he's at fault and enjoys the sport of driving you insane. In which case, no point trying to convince him - he already knows (and in fact would enjoy you running around trying to convince him).

The second is that he genuinely believes he's the innocent victim in this, in which case you are unlikely to get through to him whatever you try.

If it were me, I would feel better putting my point across in an emotionless, straightforward and short message along the lines of 'We both know who was at fault for our poor excuse for a relationship going wrong. We both know it was you. I won't be discussing it further and am keen to move on to pastures new. All the best.' And don't communicate anymore, in any way.

However, I think those people who say don't engage anymore, just ignore and move on, are right.

Don't contact him again. Don't give him any more headspace. You deserve better.

You need to look at yourself. Your 'Why?' mindset is what kept you in the relationship, and it's what's torturing you now. You have to accept that narcissistic behaviour will never make sense to you. You currently think that once you can understand why, you will have closure. But closure is in the acceptance that you will never know why.

When you understand someone it's because you can see yourself behaving in a similar way. In order to understand a narcissist, you would have to be more like a narcissist. Do you really want to go on that journey? A better solution is to say 'Wow. His behaviour makes no sense to me at all; he's like an alien.'

I think counselling after narcissistic abuse is very useful. It will help you put you and your needs back at the centre of your life and stop you ruminating about what he did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say(classic narcissistic abuse syndrome). While you continue to ruminate and look for answers you are not moving on to the better life that is out there waiting for you. He doesn’t matter. You do. What do you want out of life now?

@florisypuncen sorry to hijack your post but I literally could have written that word for word. We are married and I have initiated the separation. And woe betide am I paying for it ... he has gone into pysco manic passive aggressive infront of my kids too. The most selfish and self indulgent excuse for a man ill ever come across. It took me 15 years to see , finally see how brain washed, controlled and conditioned he had me. I only hope I have the strength to not rile up to him as he is trying to goad me into losing my temper so he can record me and use it as evidence.
These men are actually ill and we will never get satisfaction from them or get full closure so we need to get it ourselves. Are you married can you easily just walk away ? As in no kids etc ...