To feel like ending a relationship because his communication sucks

[TragicKingdom]

I've been in a relationship for a little while and every so often we argue over his communication. He doesn't tell me things that seem quite major to me and it really upsets me and makes me feel unimportant in his life.

He has children from a previous marriage and it took him ages to tell me his son was becoming a father. He is making some changes at work (mostly positive) but this will mean he has to travel more. He's just told me he's going to Germany on Monday. He had hinted at it a week ago but has only just confirmed when I asked him. If I hadn't asked when would he have told me?

Am I being completely unreasonable and needy? I share everything with him, if I have any news or anything is happening he's the first person I want to tell... what do you think?

Why would he not tell you? His lack of communication sounds like a nightmare, it would probably kill the relationship over time unless he made an effort to change.

@Blindleadingtheblind

Why would he not tell you? His lack of communication sounds like a nightmare, it would probably kill the relationship over time unless he made an effort to change.

He always has a reason... with his son, he was getting his head around it and felt ashamed because he was embarrassed (his kids do breed like rabbits). With work, nothing was definite so he didn't want to say anything... there is always an answer and sometimes they make me feel like I am just being a needy bag.

But, it really upsets me. And we have argued over this before.

@Blindleadingtheblind

Why would he not tell you? His lack of communication sounds like a nightmare, it would probably kill the relationship over time unless he made an effort to change.

He always has a reason... with his son, he was getting his head around it and felt ashamed because he was embarrassed (his kids do breed like rabbits). With work, nothing was definite so he didn't want to say anything... there is always an answer and sometimes they make me feel like I am just being a needy bag.

But, it really upsets me. And we have argued over this before.

It would bother me, I'm the sort if person who needs to know things so I can plan around them etc. Its not that your needy as such, you just don't need the stress of someone making you feel all at sea with their vagueness and lack of communication. I get where you are coming from.

You’ve talked about it and nothing has changed, this is who he is, accept it or move on. The balls in your court, don’t wait around for the more communicative version of him to appear, it won’t.

Good grief, op, why are you even questioning this? The two of you are simply not compatible. You can't communicate effective and you can't trust him. This relationship is, and has been, doomed from the beginning. Let it go already. There's nothing to save here.

@AgentJohnson

You’ve talked about it and nothing has changed, this is who he is, accept it or move on. The balls in your court, don’t wait around for the more communicative version of him to appear, it won’t.

Uhuh I know. AIBU though for needing to know things?

@AgentJohnson

You’ve talked about it and nothing has changed, this is who he is, accept it or move on. The balls in your court, don’t wait around for the more communicative version of him to appear, it won’t.

Uhuh I know this. I guess I was wondering if I'm being unreasonable by needing this.

I love him and he is great in so many other ways but this makes me feel really hurt.

@Aquamarine1029

Good grief, op, why are you even questioning this? The two of you are simply not compatible. You can't communicate effective and you can't trust him. This relationship is, and has been, doomed from the beginning. Let it go already. There's nothing to save here.

Really?

Inability to communicate effectively is an absolute deal breaker for me. It corrodes relationships. If you've raised this and it's not improving that would be it for me.

AIBU though for needing to know things

You have your own level of needs, OP. There is no right or wrong. If somebody says you are unreasonable for wanting 'x' or 'y', what they're saying is that you are unreasonable according to their standards/morals/ethics. The thing that makes you you, and distinct from other people, is that you choose your own standards/morals/ethics. There are no rules, no rights and wrongs, here.

Be true to your feelings, and spend your time with people who accept your feelings with ease.

What you are essentially doing by questioning yourself right now is to not accept your own feelings with ease. So, the person you spend all your time with and can't avoid (ie you) is someone who doesn't accept you as you are.

Start now: you need things from him that he doesn't provide. Accept that your need is exactly the right level of need for you, and represents you perfectly. You don't need to change you. Do you know what you have to do?

What’s ‘a little while’ in relationship length?

If he is so poor in communicating, what else have you actually got?

Perhaps he doesn’t tell you because you don’t feature/you’re just not a high enough priority to bother telling.

Or:

He’s generally quite dull and boring and non-communicative - the two quite often can go hand in hand?

Whatever the reason, it’s a death by a thousand swords.

He’s generally quite dull and boring and non-communicative - the two quite often can go hand in hand?

This.