Do I contact his other ex?

eggsfor1 · 2021-07-31T21:36:14+00:00

Guys I need your honest opinions please.. My ex already had 2 children when we met. So he has 3 children with two women. We got on well for the most part. He walked out on my baby snd I when she was 10 weeks old. The children (all 3) have only seen each other maybe twice since he left nearly a year ago. He says (they are 10 & 8) they no longer wish to to see their sibling or me, they are around 1.5 hours away. My ex lied about many many things. I feel like he is only saying that they do not wish to see us to hurt me, he is already in a new relationship and I think he is wanting to protect that to a certain extent too. So my question is, should I reach out to his ex and see if she wanted to get the children together? The eldest was always obsessed with the baby, I just can't understand that they wouldn't want to see her, but am I being crazy? He has made me question everything about myself.

Sampafie · 31/07/2021 22:38

It sounds weird, if they were so obsessed with your baby, wouldnt their mother take the initiative to reach out to you?
Or are you indirectly trying to see if your ex is in contact with her and their kids and not you and yours?

Original poster

eggsfor1 · 31/07/2021 22:41

So he keeps everything separate.

He sees the baby once a week and he sees his other children every other weekend.

I have never spoken to his ex, we were dating for around 4 years. As they lived so far away he always just dealt with her.

He used to tell me horrible things about her, I don't think any of them were true, so I never had any interest in speaking to her.

My ex was a narcissist.

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Original poster

eggsfor1 · 31/07/2021 22:43

It is all so wierd, he has just been controlling the whole situation and I never even realised.

I feel like he is telling her the same thing. That I don't want to see them.

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CatchThatCat · 31/07/2021 22:47

I would be honest with her and say ex said they didn’t want to meet up but if that ever changed it would mean a lot to you and DD to, or something similar . That way they can take or leave it but at least if your ex lied they will know and not let it come between the dC meeting up

OhDearMuriel · 31/07/2021 22:50

I would definitely contact her.

goddessofmischief · 31/07/2021 22:55

I tried reaching out to the Mum of one half sibling to try to establish contact between the kids. Read and ignored. I place the blame for that fully on the "father". If you're not friends, who can you trust when someone reaches out if the man in the middle has caused drama? It's a crying shame for the kids.

Termitesareproblematic · 31/07/2021 23:42

Name changed for this but I really thought you were my ex’s ex when I began to read your post, it was so similar.
My ex has 4 kids-1 older, then my 2 and then a younger son. He barely sees my 2 and hasn’t seen his son in a year! His ex reached out to me last summer to see if she could take my girls out so that they could have a relationship with their brother. I spoke to them and they said yes and met up a few times just the 3 of them. We now meet up fairly regularly together and I’d like to think that she and I have become friends. It’s great for the kids and we support each other. It can work out well. Good luck whatever you decide.

PumpkinKlNG · 01/08/2021 01:07

Reach out if you want but I think it’s a bit off if you’ve never had a relationship beforehand to suddenly expect it cos you’ve broken up with ex, I think people imagine two mums meeting up for play dates with their children’s half siblings but life isn’t that simple, my ex had a child before I met him (he didn’t tell me until I was pregnant) I’ve never met his son or the mother and now that we’ve broken up I didn’t reach out to his ex as I had no desire to, she also never reached out to me (she’s aware of my daughter) so the feeling is mutual there it’s been 10 years now, if she did reach out I wouldn’t respond personally so just go into it without expecting much. Imo it’s the job of the father to facilitate contact not mine.

category12 · 01/08/2021 06:49

I'd reach out to her as suggested ex said they didn’t want to meet up but if that ever changed it would mean a lot to you and DD to.

The worst that can happen is that you get silence or fuck off, and the best that she turns out to be like you and willing to facilitate a relationship between the siblings.

Worth a try.

Original poster

eggsfor1 · 01/08/2021 06:52

@CatchThatCat

I would be honest with her and say ex said they didn’t want to meet up but if that ever changed it would mean a lot to you and DD to, or something similar . That way they can take or leave it but at least if your ex lied they will know and not let it come between the dC meeting up

This sounds like a good message to send. She can then ignore it if she wants

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Original poster

eggsfor1 · 01/08/2021 06:53

@PumpkinKlNG

Reach out if you want but I think it’s a bit off if you’ve never had a relationship beforehand to suddenly expect it cos you’ve broken up with ex, I think people imagine two mums meeting up for play dates with their children’s half siblings but life isn’t that simple, my ex had a child before I met him (he didn’t tell me until I was pregnant) I’ve never met his son or the mother and now that we’ve broken up I didn’t reach out to his ex as I had no desire to, she also never reached out to me (she’s aware of my daughter) so the feeling is mutual there it’s been 10 years now, if she did reach out I wouldn’t respond personally so just go into it without expecting much. Imo it’s the job of the father to facilitate contact not mine.

This is how I have been feeling about it all tbh. But I don't know, I feel like I have some responsibility to try and see if I can help them have a relationship.

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Original poster

eggsfor1 · 01/08/2021 06:56

Thanks for all your replies, it's interesting to see that others have been through this. I think it's worth a message.

I don't want to be here best friend, but I would like for my baby to know her siblings.

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category12 · 01/08/2021 07:41

Imo it’s the job of the father to facilitate contact not mine.
This is true, but considering OP's ex is a liar and shitbag, while it might be his responsibility to foster relationships between his children - he's not got the interests of anyone but himself at heart.

So that leaves her to do the right thing by her child whatever she decides that is. Because he's not going to.

Wontsomebodyplsthinkofthecats · 01/08/2021 07:51

Lying to each ex and manipulating situations is exactly the sort of thing a narcissist would do OP. You said you think he is a narcissist and therefore I believe you would not be unreasonable to contact his ex to discreetly to check he isn't lying to you both. That message a previous poster suggested sounded good to me (sorry don't know how to quote!).

Original poster

eggsfor1 · 01/08/2021 08:01

Thanks all. I didn't know if I was over stepping a line, it feels like the right thing to reach out.

Atleast then I would have done everything I can.

I have just thought that he probably wouldn't be happy with this though, and would it just open us up to more heartache.

Like he's probably told so many lies, is it just opening up a can of worms, maybe it would be better in a few years?

I will have a think.

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category12 · 01/08/2021 08:12

A few years down the line whatever story he's told his older kids will have settled in for them.

If he's told them you won't let them see the baby, as teenagers or young adults you might struggle to set the story straight and they'll have their own stuff going on and might not be interested anyway. While they're still young and have clear memories of seeing their baby sister, you have a better chance of building a sibling relationship.

I'd do it sooner rather than later if you're going to.

Original poster

eggsfor1 · 01/08/2021 08:53

I don't think I can actually do it. It's bought back some strong feelings of when he left and the months of lies and rejection.

I don't think I'm strong enough right now if it causes him to have an outburst.

Perhaps I will be in the next year or so x

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PumpkinKlNG · 01/08/2021 11:37

Don’t let anyone push you op, like I said I didn’t want contact with my exes ex, you don’t have to and there is certainly no rush concentrate on your own child and if you change your mind you could always do it later down the line like you said, also bare in my that she hasn’t contacted you either so don’t feel bad or let anymore push you into doing something you are not ready to do, I think the biggest thing is she hasn’t contacted you, if the children were desperate to see your child and she wanted to facilitate that wouldn’t she have made contact?

Original poster

eggsfor1 · 01/08/2021 11:50

@PumpkinKlNG

Don’t let anyone push you op, like I said I didn’t want contact with my exes ex, you don’t have to and there is certainly no rush concentrate on your own child and if you change your mind you could always do it later down the line like you said, also bare in my that she hasn’t contacted you either so don’t feel bad or let anymore push you into doing something you are not ready to do, I think the biggest thing is she hasn’t contacted you, if the children were desperate to see your child and she wanted to facilitate that wouldn’t she have made contact?

Thank you.

I have realised that I don't feel ready but perhaps further down the line I will.

I think if he has told her the same thing she will not reach out to me.

Our ex has been very manipulative.

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PumpkinKlNG · 01/08/2021 11:56

Yeh I know what you mean I have my own personal reasons for not contacting my exes ex which people won’t understand but ex told me nasty things she had said about me as well and I know for a fact she did as he showed me them, so that’s why I would never contact her, but I guess in your case it’s just your exes word. Just have a rethink in a year or so and go from there when you are ready.

Original poster

eggsfor1 · 01/08/2021 12:05

@PumpkinKlNG

Yeh I know what you mean I have my own personal reasons for not contacting my exes ex which people won’t understand but ex told me nasty things she had said about me as well and I know for a fact she did as he showed me them, so that’s why I would never contact her, but I guess in your case it’s just your exes word. Just have a rethink in a year or so and go from there when you are ready.

Thank you for helping me think things through 🙌🏼

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