Talking about the future

[Chioli]

Hoping someone can offer advice. Been with OH for over a year. In general it has been going very well. We have spent a lot of time together and have lots of shared interests etc. We both have one DC and have all met several times. We have been away with each other and are going on holiday again and I am meeting his family soon. He seems very serious about our relationship.

The issue I have is that it has become quite tense when we talk the future. He says he is open to talking about anything but it is always me who brings it up and I worry a lot about what we both want and if we are actually compatible.

When we first met we both talked about having more children. I said I would like to and he said he was open to it. Since then he has swayed a bit saying he doesn't have a strong urge like I do and is open to it but would only do that when we have been living together for a while. We have talked about moving in together, our ideal home and budgets but it hasn't progressed much beyond that. Thing is I just turned 40 so we need to do it asap if it is going to happen. But it seems he wants to be in the right place at the right time etc.

I'm really trying to enjoy the relationship for what it is and not rush things. I do suffer from relationship anxiety and there is always this doubt in my mind that I'll be waiting for him to take our relationship forward and then it being too late to have another child. I love my DD more than anything and know she would love a sibling. I also know my ticking biological clock has set off some crazy urge.

So advice please. Am I rushing this or after one year should I be more proactive about it? OH says he doesn't like being rushed or putting time frames on things so when we do talk about the future we don't really make a plan about anything and I end up feeling quite frustrated. I feel a bit in limbo as a result.

I feel a bit in limbo as a result

And that's precisely what you have a strong urge to avoid. If he knows you feel like this, and is comfortable with you being uncomfortable, it's clear what you have to do.

there is always this doubt in my mind that I'll be waiting for him to take our relationship forward and then it being too late to have another child

That's already started, though, hasn't it. It's not a future worry, it's now. You need to set some boundaries so that this isn't infinite.

You are both right. How do I set boundaries for this though?

Tell him it's important to you, and ask him what steps he wants to take. If he says 'I'll have an answer for you by a week on Friday' see how you feel about it. If he says 'Um... errrr...' see how you feel about that. If he says he'll tell you by 2026, see how you feel about that.

You don't actually have to tell him what the rules are. Just find out what he actually wants, and then work out if you want the same thing.

Whether you're rushing or not isn't a thing. If you're going at 100mph and so is your partner, it will feel right. If you are going at 3mph and so is your partner, it will feel right. There are no rules. People have moved faster than you and been great, people have moved slower than you and been miserable. 'Right' is respecting your own feelings, and pulling back from people with whom your feelings feel wrong.

I'm glad I was both right earlier

I think you need to discuss with him, tell him how you're feeling and get some honesty. He will understand that at 40, there isn't loads of time to decide!

Ime when a partner dithers or avoids giving answers then it normally means they don't want to, but give him the chance to tell you what he wants.

this ---> Ime when a partner dithers or avoids giving answers then it normally means they don't want to, but give him the chance to tell you what he wants.

That's really early to have introduced your children or evem be thinking about meeting families or moving in. You both have children already and need to focus on doing what's right for them. That may be - much more slowly - progressing towards moving in together or it may be not doing so at all. That's not something that has to happen. Even thinking about bringing another half sibling into these two children's lives after such a short time is very reckless and tbh very selfish.

Whether you're rushing or not isn't a thing. If you're going at 100mph and so is your partner, it will feel right.

For the adults, maybe.

But they both have children already and should be prioritising what feels right for them.

You need to think about what you want first OP. Do you want another child more than you want him? What would you need to happen for you to have another child? Would you want one bu yourself if you dodnt find another partner? Would you want to start dating again to look for another partner if you left him over this beofre having a child with them? That will tell you what you need to do. Make this about what you want and need and then when you know tell him and see if he wants it too. You obviously want answers to things he wont answer so you need to know what you're going to do if he still wont answer in however long.

You might think about it and think you want him more than want another child. You might think about it and think you dont want a child by yourself if you leave him and dont want to leave him to try and meet someone else becuase you dont think you've time to date, meet someone, introduce them to your DD, move in together, get pregnant....

You might think you want a baby more than him, freeze your eggs and plan for IVF (if needed) when you are with someone else and have blended families and your DD is comfortable and you all live together.... You might want to to have a baby by yourself.

You need to know what you want and when tou want it and then tell him "My time is getting less to have another child. I need to know if you want to move in together now and if it works that we can TTC in the next two years (or whatever)." then when he answers you'll know if you will be 1. Staying and having a baby with him. 2. Staying and not knowing if or when you might have one. 3. Leaving him to have a baby by yourself or with someone else if you meet them. 4. Leaving him anyway because he doesn't give you what you want or need and baby or no baby you dont want him keeping you like this for years because he doesnt know what he wants, or he knows but doesnt want to tell you, and you dont have to be waiting for him to keep himself open so he can do whatever he wants. He can do this for years and still leave and have a baby but when you're in your late forties and have missed out on another. You cant, so you need to tell him what you want and leave or stay accordingly.

Just to add to 2. he might say he doesn't want one. So 2. Could be you staying and not having another too.

Well, obviously you don't have time to dilly dally if you're going to ttc. But maybe you should consider that maybe that ship will sail without you and how to be happy anyway.

You've only been together a year and you have dc already. You haven't met his family yet.

It's a big thing, blending families, and while you blithely say your dd would love a sibling, the reality of it could be quite different. Also, you don't mention at all how his child might feel about it.

I know the biological clock is loud, but you shouldn't really fast forward a relationship because of it.

I'm in a similar situation to you OP except for wanting to increase the family. If it's any use, I just wanted to share my approach. My partner was always keen to introduce me to his young DC soon after we began dating and it was all I could do to make him understand why this is not a good idea. I had done my homework (I'd never dated a single dad before). My DC are older but they are still children and all the children's needs MUST always come first. I told him straight if my DC didn't like him that would be it for us. They have that instinct. Children are naturally gregarious and will like anyone who shows them kindness and they soak up any bit of love and attention their way. We've only met and spent quality time with each other's DC less than a handful of times in the year we've been together and we never show PDA in front of them except for a neutral kiss as a greeting and on leaving. Of course I have never stayed over at his when he has custody of his DC and he has never stayed over at mine because my DC all still live at home.

DP gave me keys to his house early on and he wants me to come and go in his home whenever I please. Whilst I am happy he's so trusting of me, I would never do this and have always prearranged my visits with him. Basically I just think it's plain rude otherwise but maybe that's just me. I know he wants me to spend much more time with him and his DC but it isn't going to happen until our relationship progresses to another level of commitment and that needs discussions, compromises etc. We've started to do that but it's not yet final as far as I'm concerned. I have had to spell out to him a few times my boundaries such as I won't be spending more and more time with him so that I'm practically living with him part time. I will not be spending more time with his DC (only child) because that is not my place right now and the kid has quite enough to deal with adjusting to parents' split poor thing. I'm happy to be dad's (kind, I hope haha) friend with her own kids that are really fun to play with. No more no less.

Obviously my DC know we're dating not casually of course (I don't do that and neither does he) but I hope they feel safe and secure that our relationship is healthy and stable. They already know they always come first so if they had any concerns about him or our relationship, I believe they would tell me. They need to get to know him as well and a year is still far too early in the wider context. It's too early for me lol. I have yet to decide if I want to commit my future with him or rather it's a watershed point in our relationship. If I wanted another baby then it would definitely be far, far too early. Plus it would mean all the DCs would have to be on board and truly understand the pros and cons, both the good and challenging aspects inevitably that a brand new half sibling would mean in a blended family situation.

I've made a conscious choice and been very intentional about how to be in this relationship out of bitter past experience when I did not involve my DC nearly as much (yes they were a younger then but still). Frankly it resulted in my most disastrous mistakes that I never, ever want to repeat.

I totally agree that your partner should be more precise with his future plans together with you. It sounds to me like he does not want more children tbh. Meeting families is a major step yes and you also need to get to know them to a degree at least. And that takes time.