Am I being a drama queen?

[Lolalola93]

Me and my partner had a baby 8 weeks, we are both very chilled out people and I was so excited to see my partner become a daddy.

The alarm bells started to ring when I was in labour, he lay on the sofa with his feet up eating chocolate whilst I was pushing out his baby. I suffered a third degree tear and ended up in surgery for 2 hours, he believes my birth was a straightforward and not a traumatic birth.

My baby is EBF and we have a super strong bond, he settles with me naturally. However my partner can’t settle him, he has resigned himself to only holding him over the shoulder and holding him in a winding position (even when he doesn’t need it).

How do I get them to like each other?

My partner now doesn’t even attempt to interact with the baby unless I ask, and even then when the little one starts crying he hands me him back.

I feel bad moaning as my partner goes out to work at 6:30 each day and returns home at around 5/6PM and he is always making sure I am financially okay.
I try to clean the house throughout the day and organise dinner but the baby is clingy and not a great napper so I often feel like I’m letting my partner down by not having it done.

Once he has eaten my partner falls asleep on the sofa and I sit with the baby, bath him, feed him, play with him and settle him for bed and then I wake my partner up and he goes to bed and falls asleep again. He doesn’t wake up during the night.
He sleeps until around 11am at the weekend whereas me and the baby are up at 6:30/7.
The only time my partner wakes is when he is trying to have sex with me (which we haven’t yet), I’m still scared after my surgery and doing it half asleep doesn’t fill me with confidence of it being nice or him being 100% gentle. So it’s an easier option for me just to “finish” him off and go back to sleep, sometimes I’m so tired I will knock his advances off for what feels like hours before I give in, do it and go back to sleep.
Last weekend he tried from around 5am until 6:30 where I eventually gave in, done it and the baby woke up about 10 mins after — my partner went back to sleep and left me with the baby.

I just don’t feel he appreciates it all and considers how tired I might be, I used to cry a lot when I would be up during the night feeding but that’s passed. Will this stage pass too? Or do I actually need to voice all my concerns, I’m not sure if I have the energy — it feels like it might be easier to do it all on my own..

He does occasionally help around the house, maybe dishes a couple times a week and hanging the washing once a week but he definitely makes a lot of mess, always leaving clothes and dishes on the floor.

Has anyone found this after having a baby? I love my partner and want this to work but I don’t have the energy to carry him around too.

Sorry for the huge rant, any help is appreciated xxx

1. Not your job to get your partner to bond with his child.
2. It sounds like he is on the verge of raping you, and has coerced you into sexual acts ('finishing') you don't want to do already. This is abuse.
3. He is a useless twat. This won't improve. You can voice it but he's not an idiot, he knows he should be doing more and also not forcing you to have sex.

For contrast, my DP did ALL the housework and cooking for the first approx 3 months, and got up in the night for at least the first 6 weeks.

I'm really sorry this is what you're going through. At least if you kick him out you can focus on looking after 1 baby, not 2.

He sounds like a an absolute sex-pest, thoughtless, disrespectful dickhead, sorry.

Why are you accepting being treated like a total mug?

You are not being unreasonable at all.

The bedroom stuff is a massive red flag. If you say no he shouldn't be pestering for hours until he manages to wear you down and you "finish him off". Not you should to say this, because I think most men know not to keep attempting sex with a sleeping woman when they've brushed off and told no, but there's a worrying amount that will coerce and keep trying and happily let their partner pleasure them when they know they don't want to and are just getting over with. He doesn't sound like he cares much about your enjoyment or comfort if he's doing that. It's asked a lot I know, but does he watch porn a lot by any chance?

Many women go a lot longer than than eight weeks before they're ready for sex. I did have an actual straight forward birth and it was more like three weeks for me. My dh didnt once complain about the housework or tea not being done and he was up from 4.30 am and not home til 6pm. Sometimes I'd be napping and he'd just start food himself and pop a blanket on me. We took turns for lie ins at the weekend too. Your birth sounds more complicated and it takes time to adjust and feel ok with yourself and heal.

I'd speak to him about how you feel but, he sounds like a bit of a twat, especially in the bedroom ignoring your No.

And I asked about porn because there seems to be a bit of a link with some men who coerce women in real life to who watch porn.

Your partner is a bad’un, v sadly.

Can’t he just bang one off himself and leave you alone ?
Like pp said , he sounds like a sex pest.

He sounds yuck

Your partner is disgusting. There's nothing redeemable about him.

Or do I actually need to voice all my concerns

Yes. In a healthy relationship, voicing of concerns is a primary aspect of clear communication.

Which bit of what you're doing do you think is 'drama queen'? Is it having the feelings you have in the first place?

This man is meant to love you. These are not loving actions.

You are recovering from pregnancy and childbirth. You shouldn't be doing much housework.

I can't see it getting better. He is taking advantage of you being vulnerable.

Life would be easier on your own.

I really feel sorry for you, you should be getting so much support from him, not cleaning up after him and wtaf - he wakes you up for sex and you have a small baby. That is incredibly wrong on so many levels!!! I would be livid. I certainly would not be finishing him off no way!!!
Sit him down, tell him how much you love him etc, tell him you need help as your a team and it’s not the 50’s. Tell him exactly what housework is expected every day, waking you up for sex is certainly not okay. Be nice about it or he will just be defensive.
As long as you allow this behaviour to continue it will just get worse.
Good luck xx

He really does sound vile and selfish

The fact that you've stopped crying is so heart breaking. We stop crying when we realise there's no-one listening and our calls are unheard.

Yuck he’s selfish and a sex pest. Get rid.

@Colourmeclear

The fact that you've stopped crying is so heart breaking. We stop crying when we realise there's no-one listening and our calls are unheard.

This.

You're not a drama queen.

Unfortunately your partner is an arsehole and a coercive one at that. It's not OK to keep pestering for sex until you give in. Someone who loved and respected you would accept your no. It's really worrying that he does not.