I just don't know what to do. How do I forget this man and sort things with my DH?

[vconfused]

I have used MN for years and it's the only place I can come to where I see sound advice when I can't talk to my friends. I am hoping someone will be able to give some advice.

My situation is that I am married with two children. Things started to go wrong between my husband and me about 18 months ago. We had various pressures on us and we broke up for a few months recently. Our children continued to live with him for various reasons. Now I live back at home, mainly for the children.

A few months ago I became involved with another man. He is not suitable for me at all and has emotional problems, but nevertheless I have fallen for him a little bit and I can't get him out of my mind. I have finished contact with him so that I can try to get things back on track with my DH. This man was into me, but I think was hoping that I would dump my family, and that is never going to happen!

I really want to fix things with my husband, I don't want to be with this other man - but how do I stop thinking about him? I know I would never be happy with him. And I want my DH and children and I to be a family again but I don't know how to un-do all the damage...
Any advice?

Hi Vconfused,

Do you really want to be with your DH because the relationship is worth salvaging or is it more to do with providing stability for your children? Maybe you aren't sure. Once you decide that part (the hardest bit I think) you will be in a better position to know how to go forward. I know it sounds cliched but it might be worth thinking about why you got together with your DH in the first place and what it is you love about him.

The other man complicates things but it sounds like you already know the answer as far as he is concerned. Any man who expects you to give up your family is being extremely selfish and isn't living in the real world. I've been in a similar situation (but before DS was born) and I know it's really hard to know what to do. The other man may have provided excitement and a diversion from other difficult issues but the bottom line is: are you prepared to enter a casual relationship with no guarantees? Are you in love with him and is he a potential life partner who is worth all of the sacrifices and difficulties you will encounter as a woman with a family?

Is there any chance that you and DH could have some time like a long weekend alone together without the children? Or even a set time once or twice a week in the evening?It would give you the chance to examine what went wrong. I don't know your situation but when things do go wrong the blame rarely attaches to one person. It would be good if you and DH could be honest with each other in a non-judgmental way. And try not to beat yourself up about it too much.

If you do make a go of it with DH be prepared for the fall out to last a while (men's egos are fragile and all that). He will probably need a lot of re-assurance but if you do choose to stay with him he will hopefully know that it is becasue you want to.

Best of luck .