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Original poster

Why does he want me back???

26 replies

HorseRaddish · 31/07/2021 17:17

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my boyfriend of two years had been messaging another woman, saw on his phone. He admitted he had chatted and met up with her (I didn't ask for further information as that was enough for me). I dumped him, felt devastated tbh.

We have no kids together and no financial ties. Since then he's contacted me a fair bit, but I haven't answered the phone. So he stopped calling. I've had some long messages/emails from him, including today.

His emails say he loves me, it was a huge mistake to cheat, he's sorry he hurt me etc, he misses me, I mean the world to him etc. He asks me to forgive him and try again.

I haven't replied. I am wondering though - why does he want me back? What is his motivation? If he was happy to cheat, why doesn't he just crack on with another woman?

I know I was a very loving, dependable girlfriend and he probably does miss that, is there any chance he's genuinely sorry? Or should I just ignore forever?

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 31/07/2021 17:20

I would ignore him. IME they go on to do it again.

seensome · 31/07/2021 17:46

Attention and wanting what he can't have easily. If you were to get back together it wouldn't be long before he takes you for granted again and his cheating ways will be the same. Carry on ignoring him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2021 17:49

Continue to ignore him.

Whatabambam · 31/07/2021 17:52

He can't believe that you are strong enough to walk away. It's damaged his ego. If you get back together, you are essentially agreeing that it's okay for him to cheat again.

girlmom21 · 31/07/2021 17:53

He wants you to take him back so he can get his feet under the table with a woman he knows will forgive him again the next time he cheats, and the time after that.

atlastifoundit · 31/07/2021 17:56

He wants you back because the other woman turned him down.

Imjustsootired · 31/07/2021 17:57

He thought he could get away with it. He didnt want to lose you... he just wanted someone else too. Now hes caught out and you've been incredibly strong which he probably didnt expect. Silence is deadly. Ignore him. It will hurt more than anything you could compose.

As for taking him back. He may well have seen the light now he realises what losing you feels like. However. He is counting on you folding. Probably best you dont.

Xxxx

SeaShoreGalore · 31/07/2021 18:01

He can't believe that you are strong enough to walk away. It's damaged his ego

100% this

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 18:02

You know why right. The other woman said no.

Amdone123 · 31/07/2021 18:03

Yes, I agree with pps. He now sees you as a challenge and can't understand why you don't want him.
Well done, BTW.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 31/07/2021 18:04

He wants his home comforts and his cheap thrills.
You having self respect didn't occur to him

Umberellatheweatha · 31/07/2021 18:08

His ego hurts that you dumped him. He probably wants to reel you back in and then hurt you. As pp said, he takes it as a challenge (and an insult) that you walked away. He thinks he can con you into trusting him again.

Definately keep the git blocked. Life is too short to be head(and heart)fucked by assholes. Good on you for blocking.

FreeSpirits · 31/07/2021 18:09

He likes the chase...

Sampafie · 31/07/2021 18:16

Since you have no financial ties to him, why wont you block his number? That way he would know its definitely over. You leaving that door open makes him think you just want him to grovel some more before you take him back. And if you do, never forget men can be verrrry vindictive. He will make you pay for making him grovel. It might take a while but he sure will

litterbird · 31/07/2021 18:19

Its all about the chase and 'winning". Nothing to do with love and desperate for you back I am afraid. His ego is hurt because of your strength. If you go back, he will feel he has won his prize, will get bored again and chat to other women in a short time. My advise is to block and move on.

TragicKingdom · 31/07/2021 18:22

Unpopular opinion here... but he could have realised what he had with you and genuinely wants you back. As someone who has cheated and lost everything it is possible to feel genuine remorse and regret.

But... if this is something you won't be able to get past and won't be able to trust him again I think you're better off staying strong for now and getting through this.

Wishing you all the best at this shitty time.

Dozer · 31/07/2021 18:23

Doesn’t matter why he’s messaging you asking to get back together.

He cheated, so is untrustworthy. If he’s done it once, that you know of, he might well have done it other times, with you or his exes. And would likely do so again.

No contact would be best now.

Original poster
HorseRaddish · 31/07/2021 18:45

Yes, I think there must be something to do with ego. Either he was doing some chatting/dating on the side to boost his ego and keep his options open, but he had no immediate plans to ditch me.

Or he wants me back as he has lost me, so a huge ego boost/relief to get me back. But you're right, he would likely find himself wanting to check out his options/ego boost again in future, so would just be a matter of time before he cheated again.

I just assumed that if a man cheated then he must have had enough and would choose to move on.

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 31/07/2021 20:02

Ignore him. He strayed once, he will do it again. It is perhaps a case of the grass not being greener on the other side. Maybe other woman is not what he expected, maybe she rejected him, maybe he is bored now chase is over, maybe thrill has gone now he is not in a love triangle of ladies doing the pick me dance (in his head). You were wise to dump him. Value yourself and stay single until someone amazing comes along who deserves you.

ChargingBuck · 31/07/2021 20:05

Who cares what he wants?
Just focus on what YOU want, which is a life without a cheating arsehole in it.

Don;t give him the satisfaction of a response, & block him.
There is NO POINT on dwelling on stuff like "has he changed?" - because you know what he is. There are millions of other men in the country for you to choose from - why would you invest any further headspace on a man who deliberately hurt you?

Mylittlecoconuts · 31/07/2021 20:42

Block his number without responding to him.

Almondcroissant25 · 31/07/2021 22:10

You’ll never trust him again and it will always be present in your relationship if you get back together- for that reason alone, ignore him.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/07/2021 22:47

just assumed that if a man cheated then he must have had enough and would choose to move on.

Really? While exit affairs are common, it's much more common for people to just fancy having sex with (a number of) other people, but that's a hard conversation to have with a partner who expects monogamy, so they do it on the downlow.

toomanyplants · 31/07/2021 22:56

Been in this situation, and was gut wrenching. I was cast aside like I was worthless.
Fast forward a month and the messages started coming thick and fast, the sorrys, the I was depressed messages, I never knew what I had messages, relentless.
Radio silence, I never responded to a single one, saying nothing actually says all there is to say.
Ignore, what a saddo, well rid.

BrilliantBetty · 31/07/2021 23:06

just assumed that if a man cheated then he must have had enough and would choose to move on.

I don't think that's true at all. Seems to be men all over the place wanting sexual interest or activity elsewhere and also wanting their steady partner who they profess to love. I read someones post on here once saying an affair is a symptom of a relationship breakdown, not the cause. And honestly I thought what nonsense. Cheaters often just want to have their cake and eat it!! Some people could have their ideal partner at home, happy relationship.. but still want ego boost or sex elsewhere.