Feeling so alone

[Anon12345678900]

Apologies in advance, this is a long one.

Been with DP for 4 years now he is AMAZING however the problem is we are in a long distance relationship (9 hours flight away) we met whilst I was on holiday and have been together ever since. We often fly back and forth to visit and during the pandemic he spent a long time here (6 months) but had to go back home a few months ago. The plan is for him to move here permanently early next year.

I had a miscarriage before he came over last year as I had just come back from visiting. As he wasn't here yet, I sadly had to go through this alone. Whilst he was here we agreed to try again, however I didn't manage to fall pregnant we did some tests and decided to do IVF. First cycle failed as he left to go back home, so again had to deal with this without him. Second cycle has now resulted in a miscarriage and again he is not physically here so I am dealing with this alone.

I am extremely depressed, I have no friends, no siblings and very few family none of who know what we've been going through or about any of our losses. It is really hard without him being here and since the miscarriage I have spent everyday in bed crying unable to do anything, the thought of him coming back early next year kills as I don't know how I will get through the days until then. I do have a trip booked to visit him in a couple of months but this isn't really comforting as I still have to come back and will still find myself alone.

I would love to go and stay with him in his country until he can come back with me next year but unfortunately because of work I am unable to do so. We are still working remotely however my manager is a miserable cow who would never allow it, even though it makes no difference to my job where I physically am. Part of me just wants to quit my job for the sake of my MH but I have a mortgage to pay and my house isn't in a rentable state as it's slowly going through renovations so I really need the money coming in.

I don't really know the point of this post, I guess I just needed an outlet. Everyday is so tough, from the moment I wake up I'm literally counting down till bedtime, I really don't want to be alive anymore

Hello OP. Thank you for sharing. I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through so much. It’s good that you are able to write it down so coherently and you seem reflected and wise.

Can you speak to your GP or other trusted professional? Considering your health issues, you really cannot keep all of this inside.

Do you have work colleagues that you can trust or even just spend time with outside work?

Thanks for responding @minniemouseshouses Sadly no colleagues I can really speak to. I've spoken to my GP who mentioned anti depressants she asked me to look into it before writing a prescription. I'm a bit worried about the side effects but if it will lift my mood I'm willing to try it as my depression is debilitating I'm unable to do anything. DP is concerned but he can't really do much. I've also self referred to speak to a councillor.

I've tried therapy before but it doesn't really work for me, all I want is to be with DP and to have a child but I know therapy and medication can't give me that so I don't know how helpful they will really be.

Sorry for such a depressing post

Is this really the right relationship for you? How old are you? Could you postpone having a baby for a while until you have finished the house renovations and had some therapy? Having a baby will make things harder, and you might be more lonely than before. Have you and your partner discussed marriage? Where will you both live when you have a baby?

Hi @DoingItMyself it's definitely not an ideal or easy situation but I'm sure it's the right relationship for me, DP isn't perfect but he's heads and shoulders above anyone else I've been with.

The sensible thing is definitely to postpone TTC until renovations are done but after two miscarriages in less than a year I want a baby more than anything and it is all I can think about. My partner will (hopefully, if all things go well) be moving over permanently in January 2022 and we're both 30.

I just don't know if/how I will make it through the next 6 months. I know from the outside it probably doesn't seem that long, but I literally lie in bed and cry all day everyday with literally no desire to live and the thought of doing that everyday for the next 6 months sends me to the darkest of places.

I have thought about breaking up with him so I could possibly move on with someone who is here but that wouldn't do me any good as I love him and he literally has done no wrong. My life is a complete and utter shitshow

I am sorry op but it does read as if you are trying to live a fantasy happy ever after with this man when the reality of it is actually making you ill, physically and mentally.

What would be the immigration status and right to work of your part time very long distance partner if he were to live over here?

Do you not think there is tremendous pressure on you both to even consider pregnancy when you have not even lived together?

Do you not think it's important to consider the needs of any potential new human you hoping to bring into the world, a mum with sound mental health and who has done her best to forge friendships for support and has her partner by her side?
Are you aware that many new mums who don't have outside support and don't have the help of their partner are very much more likely to suffer PND?

Do you really think your precarious situation is the right environment to have children?

I think you are being incredibly selfish and self absorbed op.

Perhaps thinking about the needs of your partner and potential baby first would be the best way to help yourself and make yourself think through everything a bit more .

@Smudgingpastels doesn't everyone wish to have a happily ever after? Yes I understand that there are many obstacles in the way but I wouldn't exactly call it a fantasy. Many long distance couples end up living together and starting a family so I'm unsure why you feel like for me it is a fantasy?

Whilst the distance itself is tough, it's the two miscarriages (without him here) that has affected my mental health the most. After my losses there's nothing I want more than to have a child, I'm hoping you yourself have never experienced a loss so therefore cannot relate.

He would be here legally and able to work once we get married. However he has savings he can bring and I'm on a 6 figure salary so finances aren't an issue.

This is something that has been decided with my partner so I disagree that I'm being selfish and self absorbed.

I agree that thinking about my potential baby and the best circumstances to bring them in the world to should come first which is why we have agreed to postpone further IVF treatments until he is here. However that doesn't take away the desire, loneliness or the daily pain.

But thanks for your input

Sorry for your losses.
But what’s the rush? For IVF and any pregnancy you need to be in as best mental and physical health with as much support as you can. You potentially were going to go through IVF, pregnancy and having a newborn without your partner even being resident in the country in a house that’s being renovated.
I have had loses myself so I do know that all consuming desire to have a baby. But its about setting yourself up for the very best chances, and your situation isn’t there yet. Think of all the stress your body must be under.
Wait till he’s here so that you are fully supported then go for it. Good luck OP

I know the drive to have a baby is really strong, but you're really not in the right place emotionally or practically for that.

Wait until he's able to live with you and support you. You're only 30, you have time on your side still.

If you were to fall pregnant, you would be a single parent. Whilst you may think this would mean you will no longer be lonely, being a lone parent can be lonely.

Can you plan frequent visits to each other until he comes to live in UK permanently? This way you always have something to look forward to.

I think that you should probably live together for a little while before you TTC. Get to know each other a bit before you throw a baby into the mix. Even the most solid of relationships can come unstuck with the sleepless nights and family pressures of a new baby. I’m glad that you have agreed to wait a bit at least till he’s here. You’re only 30, you have loads of time, why not spend some time enjoying yourself together, going on holidays etc, all things that will be much harder once you have a baby.
I also note you say he’s not perfect but he’s heads and shoulders above anyone you’ve met in the past. From an outside perspective it sounds a bit like you are settling.

You say you’re in bed all day crying. Are you managing to work? I would say you need to concentrate on your health first and as you are not functioning, try the anti-depressants.

Thank you @Nextchapterofmybook he would have been here a couple of months before I would have been due but of course anything could have happened so I could very well have ended up with a newborn alone. I agree it would have been so stressful especially with the renovations, I really need to think with my head and not my heart.

I agree @category12 I'm definitely not in the right place, I was hoping it would just figure itself out as time went on. As hard as it is going to be, I'm just going to have to wait.

@chopc thank you for pointing this out. The plan was that he would have been here before I was due but of course things don't always go to plan. I've always thought that having a baby would solve all my problems without acknowledging how hard it is (even with the support of a partner). I've got two trips booked to visit him, whilst they used to give me something to look forward to it's so heartbreaking having to say goodbye at the airport and coming home alone, I actually get quite anxious thinking about it.

Your mental health isn’t in the right place.
Your living conditions aren’t quite ready yet.
You do not live with your partner.
Your partner and you haven’t yet lived with each other for any length of longer term time and haven’t built a home yet into which to bring a baby.

I’m sorry but these are just not the right conditions in which you should plan to conceive. It is not.

I haven’t read the full thread but just wanted to say that you have been and are still going through so much. Take the anti-depressants-they will hopefully clear your head and help you to function more. You may side effects but they should be temporary. Good luck.

@5togo I had to take a week off work as I was unable to work. I will definitely be taking the antidepressant and also seeking therapy.

@Hopingforabagofbuttons oh maybe I came across wrong. I'm definitely not settling. He's not perfect in the sense that no one really is but he is truly AMAZING definitely a gift from above for me. In the time we've been together we have had the best time and created amazing memories, we had planned to travel more and then covid happened and then the first miscarriage so I guess TTC then became the main focus. Whilst I appreciate that 6 months isn't much time in the grand scheme of things, it definitely brought us closer together and we know each other extremely well. I guess also being apart forces you to have good communication. But I appreciate there's still a lot to learn and even the strongest of relationships can fail.

@Termitesareproblematic thank you, I will definitely give the anti depressants a try.

@NavigationCentral thank you for your opinions and I agree that the conditions are far from perfect hence why I have made the difficult decision to wait.

Also just to clarify, my house is being renovated but I do have a very comfortable home at my parents house. And while I agree that 6 months is not a long time to have lived with my partner I don't think there is a specific length of time that then gives the green light to have a baby. And whilst we may not have built a home we have laid a great foundation

But wouldn't it be lovely to have a year or two living together as a couple, enjoying each other and the freedom to be just the two of you in your new house and out doing things together, building social relationships, etc now Covid restrictions have dropped?

You've never lived together in "normal" times and that's kind of important too. If he's never lived in this country, it's going to be a huge adjustment for him. The relationship between you may have a solid foundation, but it's not all that's important or healthy for a happy life. What about him developing friendships and hobbies and things outside of the relationship? He might end up truly miserable if he's suddenly in a new country, new baby, little opportunity/time to make friends etc.

@NavigationCentral

Your mental health isn’t in the right place. Your living conditions aren’t quite ready yet. You do not live with your partner. Your partner and you haven’t yet lived with each other for any length of longer term time and haven’t built a home yet into which to bring a baby.

I’m sorry but these are just not the right conditions in which you should plan to conceive. It is not.

This. And OP, as someone who spent many years in a LD relationship and knows a lot of people who did or do (not unusual for my former field of work), and who spent most of my pregnancy in a different country to DH (though he came for scans snd I gave birth in our ‘home’ country), I would be questioning whether this is the right relationship for you, too.

You sound suicidal, you don’t seem to have anyone at all in your life apart from your partner, you’re considering quitting your job, and some of the decisions you made —like IVF while in a LDR — suggest you’re really not in the right place to manage an LDR at the moment.

I sympathise, I really do, but to manage a successful relationship from different continents, including the excitement of seeing one another and the inevitable sadness of parting, and then transitioning to living together full time without that coming snd going dynamic, plus keeping the rest of your life going well — work, friendships, MH — takes work, self-discipline and realism. Adding a baby to the mix would be a truly terrible idea until you have spent far more time living together knowing it’s permanent.

LDRs inevitably start off with a dynamic of highs and lows from meetings and partings, and people often struggle with the transition to a more day to day life, where you aren’t both anticipating the next time you say goodbye at the airport.

I honk you seriously need therapy with a good therapist right now, and the fact that you’re resistant to the idea means you’re even more in need of it.

@category12 you have raised some really valid points, which we have not actually stopped to think about. I guess we're just under so much pressure to start a family (Asian background) so we haven't really thought of the challenges that him relocating might bring. Thank you, you've definitely given me something to think about.

@AnotherMarvellousThing I'm not really sure where you got the impression from that I'm resistant to therapy, I mentioned it hasn't worked in the past but I have also said that I will be seeking therapy and taking anti depressants. I am absolutely NOT considering quitting my job, I said part of me wants to and then listed the reasons why I will not be doing it. Thanks for your opinions.

It sounds like you're placing the weight of whether you can be happy onto this relationship, but your happiness needs to come from within. It is not dependent on you relationship status.

Take some time to start the meds, have some therapy, and figure out what makes you happy. Make some friends, and build a support network.

Good luck.

Thank you @EnjoyingTheArmoire My happiness isn't actually dependent on the relationship, I was fine until the miscarriage and then my happiness became reliant on having a child to fill the void of the one I had lost. The trigger of my depression isn't my partner not being here, it's more the TTC which is a million times more difficult in a LDR. And whilst the conditions aren't ideal that's not really a strong enough deterrent. So my heart is desperate for a baby but I can't have one now because my partner isn't set up here yet. Gosh I hope I'm making sense 😢

The worst thing is that I know that happiness comes from within but when you're so low you tend to think 'if I just had X I would be so much happier' but I'm already feeling so much better from when I created this post and trying to find practical steps to improve my MH.

[quote Anon12345678900]@category12 you have raised some really valid points, which we have not actually stopped to think about. I guess we're just under so much pressure to start a family (Asian background) so we haven't really thought of the challenges that him relocating might bring. Thank you, you've definitely given me something to think about.

@AnotherMarvellousThing I'm not really sure where you got the impression from that I'm resistant to therapy, I mentioned it hasn't worked in the past but I have also said that I will be seeking therapy and taking anti depressants. I am absolutely NOT considering quitting my job, I said part of me wants to and then listed the reasons why I will not be doing it. Thanks for your opinions. [/quote]
They are of course ‘opinions’, but informed opinions from someone who spent a long time in a LDR, conceived while still living apart in different countries, and transitioned to living FT together with a newborn.

@AnotherMarvellousThing hence why I thanked you for them.

You are coming across as incredibly selfish "I want I want" without thinking about what would be best for your baby, partner or your mental health. This sounds to me as very immature.

Give yourself time to grow, time to grieve, time to renovate, time to build friendships, time to build a healthy mental state, time to build a rock solid support network, time to properly live together as a couple and only then think about bringing another human into the world.

I know you won't want to hear this, but TTC being the main focus in the relationship you describe doesn't feel like a good idea. It's so clearly an understandable response to the miscarriage but that doesn't make it right. You need help to deal with that rather than risk making it worse with the drive to TTC and IVF with someone so far away and honestly so unknown in the solid relationship stakes. You talk about making memories and things that feel much more part of a romance than the daily reality of seeing who people really are. Also he may be better than the others, but you were only 26 when you met and you're still young - and the long distance aspect is a massive hurdle even if he is perfect. You've been through hell on your own several times over now, and it's no wonder you're spiralling into despair. Having a baby won't magically fix it and could well make things worse if you're still alone or have problems with him if/when he finally arrives (which is likely even in the happiest relationships). You need to get yourself better first, see if he's the right partner for you long term second, and only if those two foundations are sorted, then it's time to bring a baby into a solid relationship. Quite apart from anything else, if he's not properly resident here and you break up after having a baby together, he could go home and then you're in for decades of disruption and your DC will have a LDR with their father. You're still young and you need to listen to the symptoms that are telling you - not that you need a baby, but that you're not well and you need help.