I really need some help to stop these feelings - they are comsuming me

[MovingForwardish]

Im a single parent of an only child and I don't have a partner. I've always wanted two children and did in fact conceive a second child with my (now ex) partner, but this sadly ended in miscarriage.

I'm writing this post because although I've spent a long time feeling the disappointment of not being able to give my child a sibling, at the moment these feelings are absolutely consuming me and I feel so sad about it most of the time. I don't want to feel like this and I feel like its robbing me of happiness.

I should add that all of the sadness I feel about it is centred around how I feel my son has just been short changed - not necessarily a strong bioligical yearning on my part, although I would be thrilled to have another child. It's that the child I have doesn't have the family set up I think he 'deserves'
He often talks about how he'd love a younger brother or sister and it just breaks my heart that I can't give it to him.
I guess its times like the long summer break that amplify these feelings. I do try incredibly hard to make sure we're doing something fun most days, arranging things with friends and their kids and I'm always looking for fun things to do, but (understandably) it often happens that friends have made family plans and for us to go along would feel like imposing.

I worry about times like Christmas Morning and his birthday when he wakes up with just him and me in the house, not the bustling excitement and fun he hears about from his friends or sees on TV and I feel really sad for him. Almost like we're not a 'proper family' because it's just the two of us.
I worry about the holidays we take on our own where he's most likely desperately missing another child to play with or just someone else to talk to that isn't me!
I take holidays with him every year where I try to book interesting, fun things to do with other children around but it just feels like we're playing at the family holiday and that at the end of the day we go back to a room on our own.

It's the silly things like the morning routine, where while I'm showering/getting dressed for work, he is effectively left on his own downstairs with no one else to make conversation with, not even another adult.
Also, the fact that I'm a single parent means I have to spend a lot of time completing house admin, cleaning, shopping, gardening, DIY, which invariably means he's bored and/or left by himself.
I worry for him when we have words or fall out about something - it's just us in the house together, he has no sibling to go to to distract himself or talk about it, not even another adult to sound off with, he must feel so lonely in those times.

I worry about the future for him, when he's a teenager and a young adult and won't have that precious sibling relationship-that person you turn to when your mum is pissing you off or to give you some advice about something you'd rather not talk to your parents about.
That he'll feel so alone when I die as he'll have no one to share his grief with.
I know the emotional value of a sibling. I have one and I don't know what I'd do without her. I just find it so sad that he won't have that sibling to share all of his wonderful childhood memories with and lean on in times of need, like I do with mine .

I try to plan sleepovers for him and his friends with us as often as I can, so he experiences that 'full house' feeling a little more.
We're so very close as a result of being a twosome for so long. I should add that I don't show any of this worry or sadness in front of him. I try my absolute best to be positive and fun and to create as many great experiences as I can for him, but I still feel like he's been let down.

My son is more than enough for me. He's absolutely incredible and a joy to be around. I just don't think I am enough for him.

I guess I'm just after some words of advice to stop these constant feelings of guilt and sadness. I don't want to feel this way anymore, but seeing all these lovely photos on Facebook of all these beautiful families having a wonderful time together just compounds it all. I'm truly happy for my lovely friends and their families, but to be blunt, I feel so jealous and sad that my son doesn't have those same experiences. Jealousy is a pointless and destructive emotion I know, which is why I'm desperate to stop feeing this way.

Thank you for reading what has become an extremely self-indulgent post. And I'd like to reiterate that the luck I have experienced by having one healthy child has not escaped me. I am incredibly lucky, it is my child that I think deserves more.

OP I just wanted to say you sound like the lovliest mum, how could your son be missing out when you do so much for him. He is so lucky to have you.

It's hard to see the other side when you so desperately want something and have convinced yourself your son is missing out on a sibling but all the 1:1 time you are giving your son is so special, I have two DD's and I feel so guilty that neither of them ever get that kind of attention from me.

There's also no guarantee that siblings will get on,

There are so many dynamics at play in families, each one is so different I think you just need to concentrate on what you are giving your som and realise a lot of what you're saying will not have even occurred to him.

You go above and beyond to make sure he has a happy life and so many children with siblings would crave this kind of attention from a parent. Stop beating yourself up and congratulate yourself on doing an amazing job and keep doing what you are doing. The grass isn't always greener.

Thank you so much for your lovely response, so kind of you!

I have better days than others, where I can just get on with it and focus on the good (the great in many, many ways!)
Other days it just really gets to me. My son is with his dad this weekend, which always seems to set these feelings off.
I know he would have made such a fantastic brother too - he adores small children, is so patient and kind with them.
But I know the 'what ifs' and 'could have beens' are a waste of time and life thinking about. I just need to learn how to do that! 😬

OP stop beating yourself up. I'm an only child, a single parent with an only child , a dd of 11 and I get where you're coming from. My dd has several friends who have siblings that bicker all the time and she's glad to come back from it.

I'm an only child, my best friend fought all the time with her sister and I was glad to go home too. You need to stop comparing yourself with different families with different circumstances as they say comparison is the thief of joy. Photos on social media are not always as perfect as they seem.

You are doing the best for your child- you need to look at the positives you have in your family not the negatives. What you never had you never miss
You are projecting your concerns for your child when the reality is is that he knows no different and is likely perfectly happy.

Take a look at the app Frolo. It's for single parents and you can meet other parents in similar situations.

I am an only child, from a 2 parent family. You've described my childhood - life admin, DIY stores...I too crazed for a sibling, a dog, a rabbit...didn't get any of them.

It sounds like you spend more quality time with your child than both my parents did with me, and I think I turned out ok in spite of not having siblings. It was only later in life where relatives were getting old that I've thought it might be nice to have support - but you can't miss what you never had.

I know my situation is a bit different as I am still with my H, but we decided to have 2 children and my god the guilt I feel for dropping the baby bomb into DC1's life is huge. DC2 is 7 months, doesn't sleep, is relentless, nothing like my first experience. My mood is in tatters. Of course I love them both but increasingly I feel like, did we make the right choice?

I'll stop rambling. It's ok to feel sad for a life he may not have, but that doesn't mean the life he has as an only child is any less richer or valid. With you as his mummy he'll be just fine

How old is DS if you don't mind me asking?

I totally get where you're coming from, I was a single mum for 9years until recently. Im actually missing the days when it was just me and my DC, life was a lot simpler.
You're doing a great job, please give yourself some credit OP. I know what you mean about when DC goes to their dads, I used to feel so lonely if I stayed in, so I tried to go out most of the time rather than deal with it.
What I did get an underlying feeling from your post is that you may be depressed? Sorry if I'm wrong or overstepping, just not being able to stop thinking about things over and over can be a sign, I get this sometimes too, it's awful and keeps me awake at night, thankfully I dont get it as much these days. It might be an idea to speak to someone about how you're feeling, your GP or you can speak to therapists online if going to see one in RL isnt possible at the moment.
I wish you all the best, and you are doing an amazing job

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling like this.

It sounds like you’re a great mum and putting your son first.

I have an only child myself and although in an ideal world I would’ve liked him to have a brother or sister, I try to avoid the mindset of me failing to ‘give him a sibling’. The default mode for many parents is guilt: we all are unable to offer our child something we think would enhance their lives, whether a certain family set up, social and learning opportunities, where we live, etc etc. The list is never ending.

We can idealise the happiness and fulfilment that these things could bring. The reality often is, even if our wish list of things for our children is granted, these things can’t guarantee their wellbeing and happiness.

I hope this doesn’t sound glib. You’ve been through a lot and it is understandable that you feel this way. For me, the reason for my son being an only child is that my husband doesn’t want another and to be honest our relationship is not robust enough. I’ve had to make peace with letting go of my own guilt.

OP, your post made me feel so sad. Not for your son, but for the feelings of guilt that you are taking on your shoulders. You sound like an incredible mum. Read your post back - look at all the things you do to try and mitigate any sense of 'missing out' your son might feel at not having a sibling. Fun and exciting holidays, sleepovers, welcoming his friends into your home, seeking out social opportunities for you both to enjoy, fun activities... Plus the fact that you are doing all the running of the house single-handedly. Plus the fact that you have created and maintained a close and loving relationship with your boy, clearly raised him well and are still thinking about ways you feel you have 'let him down'? Honestly, you sound amazing and he is incredibly lucky to have a mum like you.

I get that you feel sometimes that he might be missing out on the whole family Christmas or family holidays, etc but we all know the pictures we see on social media are idealised versions of our lives, not reality. I'm an only child too but from the outside it looked like I grew up in a lovely family - two parents, nice house, teacher's pet at school, 'well brought up'. The reality was an mother who was an alcoholic and a childhood marred with addiction, shame and secrecy. I could never have friends over to our house in case my mum was drunk. What I would have given for a mum like you, even if you were all I had. That would have been more than enough for me and it sounds like it's more than enough for your son.

I understand it must be hard, and it's ok to have days when you feel like you're failing (it's part of our job description as parents, right?), but please know that you can hold your head up high and know in your heart you are a fantastic mum. Also, by opening your home to your son's friends and the children of your own friends, you're helping nurture his other relationships and cement his bonds with others. These are the people who will be there for him to sound off to, who will be there for him when times are hard. It doesn't matter that they're not his blood relations, it really doesn't.

Please be kind to yourself. Make sure you have time out to do things you enjoy and have adult company as well. You deserve to be happy. It sounds like your son already is.

Sending you much love. ❤

I think you need acceptance of what you can change, and what effect it will have, from this point. For many years it was just DS and I. I always wanted the family set up. The husband. All our children bustling round. Your thought process resonates hugely.

I have that now. And I do love it. But I also miss the simplicity of just DS and I. I've been really lucky. There's a ten or so year age gap between DS and DTwins. And being here, they are a more of novelty to him (as they are to many people), and they mainly entertain each other. However, they were complete pot luck, and I very much feel, with the age gap that had I just had the one baby, it would very much have turned into raising two "only children" as opposed to siblings. Covid hasn't helped, but we've been nowhere. Because the easy holidays where DS could make friends and go off to play, are now "where can we go with a pram and he'll have things to do, and the little one(s) will have the right facilities and we'll feel like we're getting something that resembles a holiday." Not to mention having to fit everyone's luggage and buggies and bodies in one car. Days out are a military operation, and we do have a lovely time, but it can be exhausting. Last Christmas was a weird one with covid, DS still had his presents as normal. DTwins weren't really old enough to get it. I spent a lot of time cooking for 5, trying to open presents, changing nappies, didn't have time to get ready and look nice, as I would have when I had the time previous years.

I love all the children dearly. And DTwins will have each other as a sibling dynamic. DS doesn't have quite the same dynamic. He loves them very much, he does play with them and likes fooling around, but I can't help feel that if it were just one of them, it would be very much DS and a baby on quite different trajectories, and I don't think I would have liked that at all. Raising two "only children" would be my worst case scenario. When they start primary school, he'll be in the midst of final exams. I appreciate your age gap may not be this, but it's worth considering.

Whatever family you end up as, whether you and DS...You marrying and having no further children...You meeting someone and having two children and separating...You meeting someone and having a child and remaining together until your eighties.... Whatever it may be, it will be right for you. Enjoy your time just the two of you. You're not letting him down, he doesn't know any differently.

I feel exactly the same, it's just me and my dd 9 her dad is part of her life but we don't live together, we have lost some family members recently so life has been very tough. Christmas and birthdays are just me and her until other people come over during the day. Our last big family Christmas was in 2015 and it was fun, noise, chaos since then we have lost my sister and my mum so things are very very different now. She plays really well by herself but I do worry about her being lonely, she has ASD too which doesn't help. The six week holidays really worry me as I'm desperate for her to have things to do most days but it's a struggle financially.

Thank you so much for the lovely words. Some great advice on how to look at my situation situation a different perspective - because I know that's what I need to do; I'm really wasting my life worrying about something that I can't change and should focus on what I DO have.
The poster who mentioned depression - I do think you have a point, I've had a pretty fraught 5 or so years which hasn't helped, so I have been thinking of going to the GP for a while. Perhaps someone in a healthier place mentally might would be able to deal with these feelings of inadequacy and guilt a little better x

Thank you to all that have posted, some of the things you've said have had me in tears on the train!

OP I can totally relate to this. I grew up in a big family (I'm one of 5) and circumstances are that I'm a single parent of one DS (about to leave his teens) with none of my family living in the same country as me. And DS hasn't been shy at stages (when he was younger) about making me feel guilty that he doesn't have a sibling. Christmases / Easters / Birthdays have been lonely (for me) over the years. But the truth is that he has no experience of what I experienced as a child, what we have is his reality - and we've made memories in other ways. The issue and guilt is more mine.

It sounds like you're doing great. Be kind to yourself.

OP, I would have jumped through fire for a mum like you.

Honestly, I have 3 DC, hubby, dogs, busy chaotic house ... it's not all its cracked up to be! And I certainly dont have the time to focus on each of my 3 the way you do with your son. His life is enriched with experiences and love and TIME. Quality 1 on 1 time. So hard to achieve in the bustling busy family house you describe so wistfully. It is lovely at times of course, my family are amazing but my good god, dont believe the bs you see on social media. Its messy and difficult for everyone at times! Your son will not grow up wounded from his lack of a sibling. He will grow up balanced happy and fab because his mum was first class xxxx