Moved in with my bachelor dp- mistake??

[Browneyedgirl54]

Dp 10 years younger than me, never lived with anyone before. Few long term gf but nothing really serious.
I’ve been married before, 25 years EA husband and two adult children. Together 7 years Moved in together in lockdown absolutely brilliant.

Now lockdown has lifted I’m beginning to think we were better when we lived apart.
He isn’t as invested in relationship as I am.
His hobbies, friends and phone all come first.
I want to feel important, a priority,
I have no doubt that he loves me.
When we are together he is on his phone scrolling through his messages,

Not sure why I’m writing this.
Hand hold I suppose.

But surely he can't gaze lovingly into your eyes ALL the time...! ...? 😂

While stroking your hair....

He isn’t as invested in relationship as I am.

How do you mean exactly? Is it his (in)actions (aside from the other things you've listed), or are you "over" invested, or a bit of both?

It can be hard to let go of the bachelor lifestyle. I live it as a woman and it would be hard to let go of doing as I please, when I please should I get into a serious relationship. However, when you're at that stage there inevitably have to be compromises on both sides, which is why I asked the question above. Do you think he's just stuck in his ways or do you really believe he's not invested enough in the relationship to make those compromises?

I have no doubt that he loves me

You don't? I have loads of doubts that he actually loves you, and no doubt whatsoever that he will never give you what you need and deserve.

His hobbies, friends and phone all come first.

Read that a few times. You, his partner, come in fourth place. Are you fucking mad? You must be to tolerate this. A stranger on the street would pay you more attention.

Why on earth would you settle for this utter bullshit? Raise your standards, massively.

Let me guess - you cook his food, tidy the house, do his laundry and are available for sex?

@MooseBeTimeForSummer

Let me guess - you cook his food, tidy the house, do his laundry and are available for sex?

Bingo.

The phone thing alone is a dealbreaker. That will just get worse as time goes on.
There’s no point telling him not to do it, as he has demonstrated already that he finds his phone more interesting than you. Sounds like this one might be dead in the water.

You've been together seven years, so I wouldn't expect you to be constantly all over eachother. He is allowed to look at his phone in his own house and you don't need to to doing things together all the time just because you live together. However, if his mates and hobbies come above you then you know where you stand, I'd walk away for that reason.

Get out now OP. He's never going to change. If he's like this in the early days, it will only get worse. You're fourth on the list now, in time your position on his list will get lower and lower. It's fine to realise you've made a mistake moving in. Move out and be at the top of You're own list. He's not for you.you get what you settle for.

What do you mean his mates and hobbies come first ? Is he out once a week, every night ?

I am a bit confused about you saying that you have no doubt that he loves you but then listing friend, hobbies and a phone as things that come before you. To me those are mutually exclusive statements.

DH and I are often on iPads when we are together, I don’t think that in particular means we don’t love each other. But we do put each other first.

Not sure why some posters here are sceptical of what your saying. Maybe you need to specify a bit more, but I know what you mean.

I think what you might be finding out is that your partner is that your partner either doesn't need a relationship as much as you do, or that he doesn't enjoy or need your company all the time as much as you enjoy/need his.

This is why I tell people that you don't really know someone until you live with them. Sometimes people live apart and their relationship living together just happens to be exactly what they imagined, but other times, living apart can really hide a lot of important detail that could have been deal-breakers years ago.

For people who just aren't as interested, or who are more introverted, you might not realize that they're like this until you actually live with them, but it depends on your circumstances. Even if you see someone 2-3 times a week, it's still not the same as living with someone all the time. I don't think you have their undivided attention in quite the same way. Since they see you so much, there isn't as much need for them to focus on quality time that previously would have had a timer on it.

I'm sorry, but you need to stop convincing yourself that he loves you because although that might be true, you have no way to quantify that. You have no way of knowing how much he loves you or if love even means the same thing to him as it does to you. The only thing you can ask yourself is 'Do he behave like a man who loves me?' What are his actions telling you? Most people scroll through their phones when they're just occasionally chilling out on the sofa or bed, but if it's now happening all the time, and if you find that absorption unattractive, if you feel regularly ignored, then that's not good.

I'm not sure if he's actually made much space in his life for you OP and you're only finding that out now. When you have a romantic partner and if it's serious, it's inevitable they're going to take space and some people just don't want to change their lifestyles to accommodate that, so they expect their partners to accommodate them.

However, it would be good for you to outline what your expectations are in a relationship because there a fair bit of missing detail here , like what his hobbies are, and how many hours socialising and hobbies are taking up in the week.

Handhold OP.
The fact that you’ve asked for one speaks volumes.

I hope you find the strength to leave and if you are interested in dating again that you meet someone who cherishes you.

I think the OP is posting apparent contradictory statements because she is having difficulty calibrating and processing her response. She is effectively acknowledging the impact of a previous EA marriage.

My first piece of advice would be to get help to process your marriage experience. Abusers are often overly focused on their victims and too involved in unhealthy ways. Never giving you space or control. Think about whether this could be playing a factor in how you feel and what you expect.

Secondly, people don’t live their lives putting things or people first. They make time for things even the lesser important things. Making time for a hobby and for friends are all important elements of good mental health.

The question is how does he make time for you and your relationship. What do you do to emotionally support each other and your relationship. At some point in all relationships you both have to make this happen and not just expect it from each other. Sometimes the effort doesn’t work but it tells you what you need to know.

Wel he can’t be your priority all the time, it’s different on dates, but in normal life he needs to get on with normal life.

I’d have expected him to be a bachelor, because moving in with a partner who was married to someone else would be pretty odd.

Or did you mean ‘eternal bachelor’ DP?

It's actually hard to judge from this whether he is actually unreasonable or simply making time for other things too. I imagine you had his sole attention over lockdown when there was nothing else to do but that's not reality it's healthy to have friends, interests and communicate with others. Does he make time for you as well?

Has he moved in with you ?
How easy would it be for him to find somewhere else ?

It seems to me that when things were restricted such as going out, you filled a void, but now that most things are open, his true colours have come out.

Sad it's taken a while to find out, but ending the relationship might be the option to consider.

Thank you all

It’s his house. I rent mine out. Finances are not an issue.

His hobbies are anything sport. Golf at least one day at the weekend sometimes two, and during the week. Tennis once a week. Watches sky sports when not out, every football match on tv, darts, golf, etc

He will watch a film with me but has sport on his iPad and results on his phone.
He got offered a ticket to Portugal for Man City final last minute and went last month.
He goes on regular golf weekends etc.

I have spoken to him about how this makes me feel - not a priority etc but he really doesn’t see what he is doing wrong. And there lies the problem for me. It feels that I am constantly vying for the top of his list.

He spreads himself so thinly across everything I am left with the crumbs. The tired side of him . We do do things together and I have my job, friends and interests but I always put our relationship and him first.

There’s a new man friend of his on the scene and he sees him most days or is on his phone to him. Childish boy stuff. He’s mid forties and new friend is 50. If I hadn’t met him or heard him I would think he was having an affair. I’m so jealous of the time he is spending with him - i know how ridiculous that sounds.

It’s just all immature. And I feel left out.

Well, I think you need to call time either on the relationship or at least on living together, as it’s clearly not working. You want very different things, and sound like the classic ‘Covid made us move in together and we now realise it doesn’t work when normal life resumes’ thing.

When was the last time he took you out somewhere nice, or did something really nice?

Have to say though, don't understand this mumsnet obsession about living with men. Men gain a lot more doing this than women do. And a significant amount of men just get really really lazy when they live with a woman.

Why don't you move back into your flat and start just dating him again

I have no doubt that he loves me

When we are together he is on his phone scrolling through his messages

These are two contradictory statements, OP. The second one shows that he's completely lost interest.

Well if you don’t like who he is then time to move on. But don’t for the love of god always put your relationship and OH first. It’s an unhealthy way to live. Make time for them but they won’t always come first or even second.

Stop putting the relationship first to the detriment of other things in your life when he isn’t doing the same. He isn’t wrong to want to live as he does, in fact I think too many people get so wrapped up in their relationships they neglect their hobbies and friends, but there does need to be a balance of you two doing stuff together as well. Do you go out and do things together at all? Is it a case of you never do, or you do but not as much as you like? You need to stop expecting him to be someone he isn’t, but if his lifestyle isn’t compatible with what you want, either go back to living separately or dump him.