I'm just feeling a bit lost right now

[mummydoingamasters]

DH is having a 'midlife crisis' of some sort and left his job (of nearly 10 years) about 7 weeks ago with no new job to go to. Since then, he's had 4 different agency jobs, the longest lasting a week, but keeps finding a reason to leave.
I'm really struggling with my own personal feelings about all this for many reasons -

My job is about 5 mins walk from here and sons school about 10 mins walk from there. He used to take my youngest to childcare which was near his old work and that worked for us.

The cost of fuel cost running everyone around has now doubled because I have to drive you vest the next town over and back, then back to collect her and home again!

All the additional worry (on my shoulders) of getting to 3 places on time, by car on busy main roads.

Getting everyone ready on my own on time. There's only so much prep I can do the night before, which we already do.

The worry of paying bills!

DH has now accepted a 5th job starting Monday and reckons he's going to walk there and back everyday but it's an hour and a half walk each way. His finish time means that the kids will be in bed when he gets home and one day a week he's expecting me to pick him up (with kids in tow) to enable his contact with SS. This means them having to eat their tea in the car, which we will likely be in for about 45 mins to an hour, not to mention more miles and fuel because it's the opposite direction to everyone else's daytime stuff.
Not to mention, it's less money than his current role (which he hates but can't really say why) and is about an hour more walking each way.

I know I'm being a selfish bitch here and, of course, his happiness is important, but surely he doesn't want to actively choose to miss out on time with his kids?

The extra bath and bedtime stuff doesn't bother me, but the fact he accepted this job without talking to me, researching the time it takes to get there and considering the impact on our family, is making me resent him. I'm currently sat on the sofa, mentally plotting how I would run this shitshow singlehanded.

I don't want to leave him/kick him out but I've just lost so much respect for him I don't know what to do or say anymore.

I don't think anyone can really help, but I needed to write it all down because my anxiety if off then charts.

You’re not a b!tch at all 💐💐 his unbelievably selfish of your DH to leave his job without another to go to. He’s placed all the burden of running the house, DCs and financial worry on your shoulders. I’ve got k no o advice but wanted to send you a virtual hug x

He owes you a full explanation at least. You're a team and he's not treating it like that. Have empathy though, it's not always easy to communicate if he's suffering.

Sit down, open and and honest chat, with love. But also make sure you get your needs across and ask to come up with a plan that works for you both. And see if he thinks he might need some help (counselling).

Don't suffer in silence though. Just don't fire with both barrels.

He used to take your youngest to childcare on his way to eork, so presumably can drive. But is now choosing not to? Have you had to give up a car? Is it the petrol cost due to losing his income?

It sounds a lot like he's gone for a job that's convenient for him but not you, & he's basically asked you to facilitate it for him. Does he actually do any "family" stuff at all?

I don't want to leave him/kick him out but I've just lost so much respect for him I don't know what to do or say anymore.

I would be telling him exactly how you feel, and I would absolutely refuse to be cast as the skivvy in all this. He hasn't had a mid-life crisis, his brain has fallen out.

I would tell him he either gets a new job that's logical and sensible, one he doesn't have to walk across the fucking hemisphere to get to, or he can leave. I would be at the absolute end of my tether.

Interesting how he can say fuck it to everything yet you could never have the luxury of doing so.

@NotaCoolMum thank you! I feel like the bad guy for pissing on his cornflakes but his logic doesn't make sense to me!
@BasicDad we've spoken about why he's not happy and it boils down to the fact that all his old work mates were made redundant and the place changed and he misses that. I've asked him to give these places a chance but he won't make friends in a week.
@LegoCaltrops he can drive but we share a car. He used to take youngest as it was near his work and oldest and my work are in our neighbourhood and walking distance. The petrol cost is down to having to do double the mileage as his jobs are inconvenient start times/not in the same area and I have to go 30 mins down the road, back again to school and work and then do it again to pick youngest up and come home. I'm so close to my work I can see it from our doorstep!
He does do family stuff, he's quite hands on just lazy I guess.

@Aquamarine1029 i completely agree. I actually only started my job in May. The appeal was location and hours (term time only, school hours) was ideal with our family needs. I was petrified, wanted to leave many times but I've stuck it out and I'm getting settled. I just honestly thought we all deserved more from him, as the main earner, a husband and dad, but it feels a bit his way or no way. I feel like he expects to start a job on day 1, find replacement workmates and just carry on plodding like he was before. I get it, spending 40 plus hours with miserable bastards can be draining and misery inducing, but surely he can suffer through it knowing he's setting a good example for his kids?

OP... you have my heart felt sympathies for this horrendous situation you find yourself in.. through absolutely no fault of yours or your kids ..

I think you need to think long and hard about how this is working for you.. and make a decision for you and the kids.

Do you honestly believe that he will walk 3 hours a day to/from work..

NO ..

Tell him to get a bike and fast 🌸

@QueenBee52 ohhhhh......that's the funny thing. He bought a bike to get to and from job 3 (?) and he refused to ride it again so it's festering under our stairs. I picked him up from work because I felt bad he had to ride home and he scratched our car forcing it in the boot.

Just remembering all this crap is making me so angry with him.

[quote mummydoingamasters]@QueenBee52 ohhhhh......that's the funny thing. He bought a bike to get to and from job 3 (?) and he refused to ride it again so it's festering under our stairs. I picked him up from work because I felt bad he had to ride home and he scratched our car forcing it in the boot.

Just remembering all this crap is making me so angry with him.

[/quote]

ok....

could you survive without him ?

because he's really hitting the 'taking the piss' bar.. Im holding back because he's still actually Agency working .. but it's not ideal ..

If this isn't working for you.. ask him to leave OP 🌸

So you you've both changed work situation this year. You got a new job in spring, were petrified, wanted to leave many times but have stuck it out & are just now getting settled. In contrast he's walked out of several jobs in just a couple of months because he CBA to persevere with them? I'm sorry but that sounds weak AF. I'm all for job satisfaction but how can he even know if he likes a job or his colleagues if he's only giving it a couple of days?

I definitely wouldn't be facilitating his commute to work. He can use the bike he chose to spend family money on. I think you hit it when you said he's lazy. He sounds like he wants things handed to him.

I just wanted to post an update (if anyone is interested of course) that he is on job seven since mid June. Our relationship is at rock bottom and I've just told him if he leaves another job (without one to start the next working day) I'm changing the locks on him.

I am so done. We're about £1100 short for our outgoings this month and I'm so mentally done with it all 😞