Partner cheated & left me with 6 month old.. advice please!

[starynight63]

Hey, I’m new here but I’ve been reading over the past week and finally thought I’d post as I’m desperate for some real honest advice.

A bit of back story.. I’ve been with my partner 7 years, engaged & own a house together. Our first daughter passed away in 2019 at a few days old due to medical negligence, 2nd daughter is 7 months old now. A month ago out of the blue my partner told me he didn’t feel the same about the relationship and didn’t know if he was in love with me anymore.. as you can imagine my heart broke and I completely crumbled. He had totally changed, cut me off almost and was so detached it was like he really just didn’t care how broken I was, he moved out back to his parents that night.
Fast forward a couple of weeks (of me being a desperate crying mess) and I had massive suspicions he had been with someone else, we met to speak and I told him my suspicions and that I’d decided that if he had been with someone and therefore must of been speaking to them while we were together & he’d been cheating that now was his one chance to tell me and if he did I’d be willing to try and move forward together as long as there was real honesty and remorse from his side.. he started crying and told me he had, and it was someone from his work that he’d been messaging because he enjoyed the attention and affection (I was not in that head space as I had a bloody newborn while also still suffering with depression and anxiety since loosing my daughter) he told me that while we were together they messaged, met at work to chat & also only kissed.. they didn’t spend a night together until he left.
Now since then, he’s come out with the fact he’s really struggling himself and now thinks he has depression and has been drinking a lot to try to cope.. and so he has started to see a counsellor to help with his own issues.
My problem is, I said the only way I could try and move forward or have him here is if there was a chance of us having a relationship in the future and if this time was spent working on ourselves/the kids, him building up my trust & respect again for him and also being generally kind. In reality it is so uncomfortable for me & I don’t really know what to do :( tonight for example, he cooked me dinner but then gave me one little hug and just rolled over in bed and said night.. then got up and put shorts on to sleep in because he felt uncomfortable. You can imagine how horrible this made me feel :( I basically feel like I’ve been so weak, and that my feelings are not being thought of at all. I don’t even know if I could ever look past the cheating and leaving me with a new baby but am I wrong to try? Should I be moving on? Is he just ‘sticking around’ because of guilt?

I honestly don’t know how I could cope on my own, he was everything to me and has been through so much with me I just have no idea how he has hurt me like this or how I will cope alone, please be honest with me I need some real advice xxxx

You have let him move back home ?

What he has done is a disgusting betrayal of everything you hold dear and cherish..

Why is he sleeping soundly and you are laying awake anxious and distressed.. He really has done a number on you OP..

I don't think you yourself have had time to reflect on his behaviour and actions. You need time.. and him moving back in has allowed him to believe all is forgiven ..

It's a lot to digest .. 🌸

I split up with my partner when I was 8 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child due to suspected cheating. All I can advise is right now forget about him and the relationship and just concentrate on you and your lovely baby. Don't let him become the centre of your attention. You and your baby come first.

If he is genuine, (and we maybe give him the benefit of doubt that the first baby did affect him, badly) then he will come through and be there for you. My ex didn't pass that test and it was all about him when I needed to be concentrating on looking after my 2 year old and my pregnant self.

Infidelity is not the end of the world, but he needs to show you that you and the baby now come first, not him and his desire for other female attention.

I hope you have other support, but if you don't, as I didn't, even more reason to double down and give everything you have to your child.

Keep posting, many of us have been there and we have survived. Mine are now late teens and I managed it all on my own. Not ideal, but totally doable and better than wasting time on a self absorbed twat.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I think you will have to sift through the answers you get because there is ask added complexity of having lost your precious baby which will have no doubt affected your relationship.

Did you both have any counselling after the loss of her?

I don’t believe what he has done should excuse his behaviour- you’re also going through a hard time and yet didn’t feel the need to have an affair.

Did he move out? It sounds like he did but has moved back in again/is staying over?

I think some space from him & the relationship is wise. You need to focus on you and trying to understand how you feel about this betrayal without him forcing himself back into your life as he is doing currently. Otherwise he isn’t giving you a choice and that will breed resentment which may impact your relationship going forward.

It’ll also be interesting to see if he continues seeing this work colleague.

I’m sorry you’re going through this especially with the trauma you’ve experienced and with a 6 month old. Give yourself time and space

Gosh...
He doesn't deserve to be in your bed

@Greenbks

I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I think you will have to sift through the answers you get because there is ask added complexity of having lost your precious baby which will have no doubt affected your relationship.

Did you both have any counselling after the loss of her?

I don’t believe what he has done should excuse his behaviour- you’re also going through a hard time and yet didn’t feel the need to have an affair.

Did he move out? It sounds like he did but has moved back in again/is staying over?

I think some space from him & the relationship is wise. You need to focus on you and trying to understand how you feel about this betrayal without him forcing himself back into your life as he is doing currently. Otherwise he isn’t giving you a choice and that will breed resentment which may impact your relationship going forward.

It’ll also be interesting to see if he continues seeing this work colleague.

I’m sorry you’re going through this especially with the trauma you’ve experienced and with a 6 month old. Give yourself time and space

Thank you for your kind words it means a lot. We didn't have much counselling after we lost her no, we did have some individually and as a couple but not enough. Your right about that, feeling low or going through all that trauma doesn't excuse or give you a right to do things like he's done.

Yeah he moved out, and spent 3 weeks at his parents but now is home again last night was our first night together as if taken the little one away last week.

Thank you for the advice, I think I do just need time my head and heart and like a washing machine and I need to stop putting him and his feelings first when clearly mine are at the bottom of the pile :(

Let's see what today brings....
x

@QueenBee52

You have let him move back home ?

What he has done is a disgusting betrayal of everything you hold dear and cherish..

Why is he sleeping soundly and you are laying awake anxious and distressed.. He really has done a number on you OP..

I don't think you yourself have had time to reflect on his behaviour and actions. You need time.. and him moving back in has allowed him to believe all is forgiven ..

It's a lot to digest .. 🌸

I know I would think the same if I read someone else post this :( the thing is I put everyone first and end up forgetting about myself I think.. I think your right about needing time to digest everything that's happened and give myself time to see how i actually feel about things.

Thank you for replying x

It feels like at the moment you are both putting his feelings first, and so yours aren't being considered.

Only you could decide if you wanted to give him a second chance, (don't think I could by the way), but -

• I would only consider a second chance if there was real regret, heartful apologies and he came up with a plan as to how he's going to prove he deserves your trust, then proves to you every day that he's doing all he can to show he deserves you.
• I would be clear that I might change my mind in the future if I didn't think it was working / couldn't forget his betrayal (and that would still be on him)
• I would be clear that if there was any suggestion of similar happening again that would be it. Final.
• I woudl take the opportunity to talk about anything else that was wrong before - such as did he pull his weight at home / do his fair share of parenting etc - and agree how to resolve those issues at the same time

Given how you feel right now, it doesn't sound as if he's even put any effort in to day 1. He thinks everything has gone back to how it was before. If you don't say anything it looks like this is it - he'll expect you to forget the affair, forget he lied and betrayed you.

I think you need to be absolutely clear that isn't the case and that if he wants the r'ship to work, he has to work hard to put right what he's done wrong. If he isn't willing to commit to that then you would be better accepting now that the r'ship won't success, as you'll forever feel resentful and not trust him.

@starynight63 I am really sorry your going through this I know how horrible a situation this can be, I’m living in it with my DW. When they have had their heads turned by someone else the drastic switch of attitude towards us as their partner is horrendous to comprehend. I know you want your live back but please don’t make it too easy for him to come back, you are only going to setup a dynamic where it doesn’t matter how much he’s hurt you that you’ll simply forgive and again trust me I’ve done that and it does no good. If he really loves you he needs to fight for you, he needs to show you with actions not words that he is sorry and provide you with full openness because the pull to contact the OW will be strong and you’ll think he wouldn’t be that stupid again, but he likely will as his brain is now full of all the feel good neurotoxins.

Take is VERY slow and protect yourself, do not pick me dance. Build a wall around yourself and your baby for now you need proper time to process all this. I hope he sorts himself out because it’s only him that can do it, as a man myself I just can’t comprehend doing this to my DW/OH especially with such a young baby I just can’t fathom the lack of respect or lack of self control it’s just horrible.

I hope things get better for you soon, take care.

[quote feeficken]@starynight63 I am really sorry your going through this I know how horrible a situation this can be, I’m living in it with my DW. When they have had their heads turned by someone else the drastic switch of attitude towards us as their partner is horrendous to comprehend. I know you want your live back but please don’t make it too easy for him to come back, you are only going to setup a dynamic where it doesn’t matter how much he’s hurt you that you’ll simply forgive and again trust me I’ve done that and it does no good. If he really loves you he needs to fight for you, he needs to show you with actions not words that he is sorry and provide you with full openness because the pull to contact the OW will be strong and you’ll think he wouldn’t be that stupid again, but he likely will as his brain is now full of all the feel good neurotoxins.

Take is VERY slow and protect yourself, do not pick me dance. Build a wall around yourself and your baby for now you need proper time to process all this. I hope he sorts himself out because it’s only him that can do it, as a man myself I just can’t comprehend doing this to my DW/OH especially with such a young baby I just can’t fathom the lack of respect or lack of self control it’s just horrible.

I hope things get better for you soon, take care.[/quote]
Thank you for replying.. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through the same thing what an awful situation to be in :(
Thank you for the advice, That all makes sense and I just hope that if he does feel the need to contact the OW again that he leaves first. I obviously have no trust for him now so I'm unsure if I'll even believe that he hasn't contacted her? Especially as it's a colleague so they could meet/talk at work.

Thank you I really hope that he does, or that I find the strength to call it a day myself. And it's good to know from a mans point of view that not all men think that behaviour is acceptable. What is the situation for you now? Have you been able to forgive your DW?

@layladomino

It feels like at the moment you are both putting his feelings first, and so yours aren't being considered.

Only you could decide if you wanted to give him a second chance, (don't think I could by the way), but -

• I would only consider a second chance if there was real regret, heartful apologies and he came up with a plan as to how he's going to prove he deserves your trust, then proves to you every day that he's doing all he can to show he deserves you.
• I would be clear that I might change my mind in the future if I didn't think it was working / couldn't forget his betrayal (and that would still be on him)
• I would be clear that if there was any suggestion of similar happening again that would be it. Final.
• I woudl take the opportunity to talk about anything else that was wrong before - such as did he pull his weight at home / do his fair share of parenting etc - and agree how to resolve those issues at the same time

Given how you feel right now, it doesn't sound as if he's even put any effort in to day 1. He thinks everything has gone back to how it was before. If you don't say anything it looks like this is it - he'll expect you to forget the affair, forget he lied and betrayed you.

I think you need to be absolutely clear that isn't the case and that if he wants the r'ship to work, he has to work hard to put right what he's done wrong. If he isn't willing to commit to that then you would be better accepting now that the r'ship won't success, as you'll forever feel resentful and not trust him.

You're absolutely right my feeling are not being thought about at all and it's absolutely gut wrenching being in this situation. Those points are all good ones, I have tried to make it clear that it will not be forgotten about but I don't think he's taken that in as when I've brought up the affair to ask if he has had any contact with the OW he's got defensive and annoyed at me for asking, saying he's told me he won't contact her again so why am I asking? I mean maybe because I don't believe a word he says

I don't know what will happen moving forward, it's early days but there is very little effort so far and I'm just hoping I get the strength to call it a day if that's what is best for me & baby.
Thank you for your advice

Sorry you’re having to go through this op but it sounds like he has checked out. Getting defensive over you asking him? Seriously?! I don’t believe he will make it up to you (from his behaviour so far) and I think by you taking him back/him moving back home /into bed is setting the tone for the rest of your relationship. Basically, have as many affairs as you want and I will be the doormat who will always take you back/accept it.

I know you said you don’t know what the future holds but I’m afraid by having him back you have already sent him that message.

You deserve better, I hope you can find the strength to do whatever it is you want to in this relationship.

@Greenbks

Sorry you’re having to go through this op but it sounds like he has checked out. Getting defensive over you asking him? Seriously?! I don’t believe he will make it up to you (from his behaviour so far) and I think by you taking him back/him moving back home /into bed is setting the tone for the rest of your relationship. Basically, have as many affairs as you want and I will be the doormat who will always take you back/accept it.

I know you said you don’t know what the future holds but I’m afraid by having him back you have already sent him that message.

You deserve better, I hope you can find the strength to do whatever it is you want to in this relationship.

Thanks for your reply and advice.. I totally get what your saying about sounding like he's checked out, but why would he bother being here and "trying" if he had checked out? Apart from maybe guilt I don't know why he would.

I've thought about that, and I hate the idea of living on eggshells the rest of my life waiting for it to happen again or living in fear that it will. I feel like I'm grieving the life I had & the plans we had for the future :(

How do people do this to their family? I'll never understand it.

So sorry about your baby girl. I can’t imagine how tough it’s been for you

And then for this to happen, the other half of you, your best friend, your significant other, puts the affection of an insignificant female above you, your baby and everything you’ve been through, and leaves you. I have to say you are so strong to still be standing.

However, it’s been 3 weeks and after a ‘talk’ you’ve let him right back into the home. He now has no reason to try or make it up to you and expects things to be back to normal as though nothing has happened, because you’ve allowed it.

When my hubby left me (before we were married and many years ago) I ignored him every time he reached out. I carried on with my life, had a great time in fact. I also had a young child but he wasn’t the father. I was hurting don’t get me wrong, and I lost a tonne of weight because of it but I didn’t show it. 6 months later I accepted his friend request on Facebook and agreed to be ‘friends’. He wanted more but I told him how he acted wasn’t what I wanted in a man and therefore he wasn’t for me but we could be friends. This really threw him, he really hated himself then and the ‘indifference’ I showed towards him made him realise he’d lost me. Another 6 months then of chasing, pleading and begging and I finally allowed him the opportunity of taking me out. I agreed we could try again and take things slowly, and slow it was. I didn’t sleep with him for 3 months. Now 7 years later we’re happily married with two young children.

What I’m saying is, if you forgive so quick and allow things to go straight back to normal then nothing will change and he’ll likely do it again as there’s nothing stopping him, he won’t lose you. He won’t try, he won’t make it up to you, he expects it to be normal like nothings happened because you’ve allowed it.

If I was in your shoes now I’d tell him that now he’s back I’ve realised I need a lot more time to get my head around it all. Don’t give him a timeframe, just tell him you need to be on your own. And in that time, don’t think of him. Live your life, contact only to do with baby. Be nice and indifferent towards him and don’t mention you and him and what he did. Make the time drag out aslong as you can. This will make him suffer, question whether you’ll ever be together again and make him really want to try and make it up to you and convince you that you can trust him again. This is of course, only if his hearts still in it deep down. If it’s not and it doesn’t work then you’ve saved yourself more future heartache so it’s a win win really.

Please be kind to yourself