Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship?

[irishoak]

I've been trying my best to keep my chin up, but I feel so down about my life today.

Split with my abusive husband at the start of the year and been doing the Freedom Programme. It's got me thinking back over my previous relationships and realising that they were, in their own ways, abusive/just bad relationships too. I've been trying to move forward a bit by joining some data apps, but I never really seem to get much interest or replies to my messages. I've had a bit of a cautious crush on a guy in real life, but I saw him today and the smell of weed on him has killed that (husband was a heavy weed smoker, so it's a hard boundary for me now and just kind of traumatic to even smell and think about). And I just feel like....it's never going to happen for me.

I'm 35, no kids, live on my own in an area far away from family and friends and just....Idk today it feels like it's just not ever going to be possible for me to meet someone nice and start a family and have a happy life. I clearly don't know how to like anyone who is actually nice, and no one seems to be interested in me anyway.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, a hand hold maybe, or advice? Just feel really low tonight.

You are young and it will happen but you need to take some time to work on yourself

Perhaps you should make some big changes. Move back to where your family and friends are.

Agree with the above. Move back to be nearer friends and family. Focus on moving forward in other areas of your life. It’s not been very long since your split - heal and then worry about romance. You have plenty of time x

Ahh xxx thing is, you're learning. And that will never stop. Remember that. You'll do better and better.

I'd concentrate on my life iiwy. What are you doing today? Make plans, work out things you want and need to do. Busy yourself. You'll meet people on the way. You'll keep fine tuning your red flag radar and building, coming to trust in your relationship with yourself.

Dont depress yourself with feeling down about relationships.

The last thing you need at the present time are more dating apps and yet another relationship. After all you split from your abuser only at the start of this year. Love your own self for a change and you need time and space to properly heal. Give yourself a chance to heal properly rather than look at other men at this time.

Move back nearer to your friends and family. Abusers more often than not try and isolate their chosen target away from their support and it looks like this happened to you.

I would consider therapy with a BACP registered therapist to further unlearn the crap you learnt about relationships. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Think about boundaries.

Is there a reason you can’t move closer to friends and family?
It is possible to move on and have a healthy relationship but I’d always advise taking it very slowly and not to rush into anything. Have time on your own and get to know what you want in a relationship and what your boundaries are.

Hey, so I was in a similar situation to yourself with regards to being in a very abusive relationship and living away from my family in an area down South where I wasn't originally.

I think your doing the right thing taking part in the freedom programme. When I eventually split from my abusive partner I was scared to leave the area I was in as I had a good job there but I bit the bullet and moved home (back up North) and after 5 years away it was the best thing I ever did for myself, being in familiar surrounds with your family makes you feel so much better and more supported.

Forget the dating apps for now, focus on rebuilding yourself. Find something you love doing (a new sport, the gym or any hobby) and explore new places maybe try and meet new friends if you feel up to doing so, things will fall into place eventually, you are still young and you just never know what is around the corner.

When I moved back up North I thought I knew every man here (small town) and wouldn't like any of them (lol) however I ended up meeting someone I'd never known previously and he's been my partner of nearly 5 years and I have a wonderful step daughter. Keep the hope and faith, focus on what is best for you. I do agree with other posters about you moving back to your home town, it massively helped me cut all ties away from my abusive ex and for me the the town we lived in down south was full of bad memories. Ensure you have some closure from that period in your life which will enable you to fully move on. Sending love x

Thank you everyone - Mumsnet has been such a source of advice and support for me through all this, you're all amazing.

@something2say you're right, and I was thinking about this more - before I would have justified away the weed use to myself and pretended to myself that I was okay with it. It was actually a big step for me to be able to think, no that's not something I want in a partner - even if it was just someone who I kind of fancy and probably has never given me a second thought! Learning all the time.

Moving back is a bit of a complicated situation, and I think to explain it properly might be a bit outing, but it would be difficult financially and in a lot of other ways, so I decided to myself to try and stick things out here a while longer. Moved here just before lockdown, so I haven't been able to make friends much, and quite rural so not a lot going on.

I try and keep busy and am getting back into my old hobbies and things like that, but I feel like the clock is just ticking down these days...I've wasted years on my ex, and before that I was single for years. I'm just so worried that before I know it, more years will have passed and my chance for a family will be gone and I'll still be as lonely as I ever was and never have experienced someone actually treating me well.

This will sound like a cliche but... I was so lonely desperate for a relationship and dated a succession of unsuitable men. Felt I would never find anyone and was so miserable. Gradually started to work on myself. Daily Mindfulness, meditation whatever works for you. I gradually got to a place where I decided I was done with OLD and would be happier alone. I agreed to meet one guy and in my head planned to be home in time for dinner and a bath. We will be together 7 years in Feb. Totally my soul mate. Just give it time and relax. You are much younger than me.

My advice is to ditch ideas of dating. You've only recently split from your ex, you've been doing the Freedom Programme....you need time for everything to settle and for you to digest your previous relationships. Trying to jump into the next one so soon isn't in your best interests. And you sound desperate to be in another relationship, which could result in you just choosing someone who'll do and you end up in the same position again.

I agree with having some counselling, and getting out and about and making a rich and full life for yourself first before entertaining any ideas of relationships.

Another one recommending therapy. It has been life changing for me. I had never had a healthy relationship including my marriage before and am now in a loving, equal partnership with a lovely man. Work on yourself, improve your boundaries and recognise the wheat from the chaff. You are still young and have a great future ahead of you with the right relationship.