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Relationships

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Original poster

Help be get out of my petty funk over his birthday

22 replies

Rectusabominus · 30/07/2021 17:03

Relationship with partner for 3 years. Both divorced, both with DC, don’t live together, but see each other 2-3 times a week and speak every day.

It’s his birthday next week. I’d assumed that I could plan something nice for him so had started Googling things - outdoor theatre, restaurants, hotels etc.

I ask him to give me an evening that he is in town (we live 100 miles away but he comes here for work,) so that I can take him out for his birthday. It turns out he has booked up his two evenings in town - one with his best friend and the other for a work dinner. His assumption is that he would meet me after (both things finish around 8/9pm.)

Then he is seeing his children on his birthday all day.

This has really bothered me out of all proportion and it’s about his lack of holding a whole evening open for me to plan something.

I am not quite sure what it is that I feel as he keeps pointing out that I will see him both nights post 8/9pm and he doesn’t care that much about his birthday.

But I know he cares about his birthday. In past years he has always loved being indulged and celebrated and always comments on what other people do and who sent him cards and got in touch.

It makes me think maybe I am not as important to him as I thought. Or maybe he just doesn’t consider me central enough to his life that I get to organise the birthday thing for him.

Am I petty and silly for being in a funk about this?

OP posts:

LostSocksBrigade · 30/07/2021 17:43

In the kindest way possible, by only mentioning it a week before he probably made other plans thinking you weren't bothered. Next time ask him to set aside time with a little bit more notice and plan something special those nights he is free.

FrenchieFromGrease · 30/07/2021 21:04

I understand your feelings. You wanted to do something together for his birthday, and assumed he'd want to do something with you too. Now it probably feels like he's just coming around to yours after he's had 'real fun' with other people.

You don't have to let him come round if it makes you feel like the second choice. Tell him you'll see him at the weekend instead and you plan something fun with your own friends. You don't always have to be available to slot into his free time.

herecomestreble · 30/07/2021 22:26

I'm not sure I know what a funk is?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/07/2021 22:43

What do you usually do for your birthdays?

I think a week is pretty late to be asking about plans. Since things have opened up most people I know are booking stuff up weeks ahead.

I can see why you assumed one of his nights would be properly spent with you but you didn’t discuss it until he already had offers.

Why can’t you take part in celebrations on his birthday with his kids?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/07/2021 22:44

@herecomestreble

I'm not sure I know what a funk is?

Being under a cloud of mild gloom.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 30/07/2021 22:53

I'm not sure I know what a funk is?
What do you think it might mean, given the context?

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 30/07/2021 22:56

Do you usually go out together?
Seeing someone at 8/9 after they've been out feels like it's somewhere to bed down

TheSmallAssassin · 30/07/2021 23:02

@herecomestreble
lmgtfy.app/?q=Define+funk

Snowfalling · 30/07/2021 23:10

So he only wants to see you to crash at your place? Hmmmm. Be busy on those nights and don't allow him to stay over.

Also, guaranteed he won't get to yours by 8 or 9pm, it'll be much, much later.

QueenBee52 · 31/07/2021 02:04

Judge someone by their actions ...

You are not important enough, to him, to be considered relevant, in the planning of his Birthday Outings..

He is showing you, what you mean to him. You are a bed and Sex for the night.. then off he pops to his next Birthday outing with the people more important to him..

You lady... are being shafted 🌸

happinessischocolate · 31/07/2021 03:00

I'd be more bothered by the fact I'm not invited to the other arranged birthday events rather than the fact he hasn't kept a night free for us.

As a pp suggested wish him well on his nights out, but be unavailable for a later evening sleepover. I'm available for the whole night or none of the night.

5475878237NC · 31/07/2021 06:40

Meeting up or coming over at 8 or 9pm and not actually wanting to celebrate with you or include you makes me think he sees this relationship as more casual than you do. I wonder if that's why you're upset?

SarahBellam · 31/07/2021 07:33

A week is way too short notice. He probably thought you’d forgotten or weren’t bothered, especially if you want to do a ‘big thing’. Why didn’t you just ask him to hold the date a few weeks ago?

Northernparent68 · 31/07/2021 08:04

To be fair one of the events is a work event, which he may not be able to get out of. It’s unsurprising he wants to see his children on his birthday.

Vanilla1Cookies · 31/07/2021 08:08

Why haven’t you been invited to go with his friend and him?
Sounds like he’s just using your place to crash.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 08:14

@Vanilla1Cookies

Why haven’t you been invited to go with his friend and him? Sounds like he’s just using your place to crash.

Really? Do you invite your male partner when you go out with your female friends one on one? How very odd.

ActonSquirrel · 31/07/2021 08:21

Misses the point but a grown man having 3 birthday celebrations...is he 12.

After 3 years he doesn't include his girlfriend in any of the multiple celebrations.

Right he'd not be coming to mine after his jollies with others.

I'd just say very well or so be it and tell him you're not free on those evenings.

It's his birthday he should have asked his gf and involved her in his plans. He didn't.

AnnaSW1 · 31/07/2021 08:33

I would also make alternative plans for those two nights so you are not available

OrchestraOfWankery · 31/07/2021 08:38

So he's going out to have fun then coming to yours for a shag and bed? Do you ever go out together?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2021 08:39

You are not that important to him and are way down his priority list.

Where do you see your life with him going forward?. My guess is that it will remain very much the same as it is now.

Think your place is also being used by him as some sort of convenient crash pad because of his work and with sex thrown in. He is your Mr Wrong here and a man you should not be in a relationship with any longer.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 31/07/2021 08:40

You’re annoyed because your gut feelings are picking something up.
Take note of your intuition.

2catsandhappy · 31/07/2021 10:04

Not petty at all. You have just found out how low down on his list you are.
Happened to me last week. I wasn't thought about, included, part of the plan or planning etc. Just forgotten. There was a scramble of '...I could manage to meet up at restaurant after 9pm' type things. I just text back with 'Ah well, never mind. We will catch up another time.'
It really hurt. I am still smarting now if I am honest. Not as important as I thought I was. I am making mental readjustments and am not so available or willing to drop my own plans.

Time for putting yourself first @Rectusabominus

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