Needy friends | Mumsnet

dancingmonkey · 2021-07-30T15:31:28+00:00

Im starting to find one of my best friends becoming very needy. I feel bad even writing this but would like other opinions. In our group of friends most now have families with children. Two are single. We are all in early 30's But she will text me a few times a week and ask if I'm free to go out or last minute will ask if I want to go for dinner / drinks within a couple of hours or less of asking. I will usually say no as last minute plans don't really work when you have children to think about, and I don't want to be going out every weekend getting drunk. I'm so over that now! I also want to save money to buy a house. And I hate coming out with the same excuses but they are true. I willl be saving for a long time and don't want to waste it on nights out. the other day we got in argument and she said said no one makes the effort with her and we are all too busy for her. Which to be fair is true. But I just feel that's life and sadly friendship does change as people start there own families. So who is in the wrong? Or just any Advice on this would be great!

wombatspoopcubes · 30/07/2021 16:40

How about you invite her when it's convenient for you? Could be for a coffee or picknick or the zoo or whatever you can do with the kids while chatting. It might be easier if you take the initiative.

MoreAloneTime · 30/07/2021 16:43

I don't think either of you are in the wrong here it's just that you are in different places and want different things. If your friend was the one posting I'd tell her she needs to find some additional friends who want to do the same things as her

FreeSpirits · 30/07/2021 16:44

Is she one of the single and childless friends?

Original poster

dancingmonkey · 30/07/2021 17:58

@FreeSpirits

Is she one of the single and childless friends?

She is yes

OP posts:

Original poster

dancingmonkey · 30/07/2021 18:02

@MoreAloneTime

I don't think either of you are in the wrong here it's just that you are in different places and want different things. If your friend was the one posting I'd tell her she needs to find some additional friends who want to do the same things as her

she does have other friends outside our closest friendship group- that a similar stage in life to her. But I know they also don't make the effort with her :( -not sure what there excuses are as I'm not close with them. I do feel sad for her :(

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 30/07/2021 18:31

Why does someone have to be in the wrong? You want one thing, she wants something else. Explain to her properly, rather than just saying no every time.

'Barbara, I think I'm going to have to just meet with you for coffee at lunchtimes from now on. I'm trying to save money and I get tired going out at the weekends now that my priorities have changed.'

Do you think you're responsible for her? She can go and meet new single mates, can't she? Why's it up to you to feel sorry for her and look after her? She's an adult.

todaysdilemma · 30/07/2021 18:41

I actually have this with one of my single girlfriends. Except I don't have children, but I do have a lot of hobbies, other groups of friends i need to maintain contact with, work is very demanding, my partner and I are in the head space about marriage/house/kids and I'm mid 30s so not that bothered about going out anymore. She likes messaging multiple times a day, wants to know eveything i've been upto in a day, including what i've eaten, and likes talking for hours on the phone, wants to see me every week. It's quite emotionally exhausting because i feel she has made me her emotional support person, rather than a friend. And actually, I'm not even this emotionally dependent on my own partner!

I have been single previously when others were coupled up, so I know it gets lonely. But for me, I invested a lot of time into hobbies and dating, and meeting new, single gfs because I'm aware that priorities do change when life stages change. And you can't make friendships a hobby and expect them to fill the void.

For me what worked was just being honest about some boundaries. So happy to meet up (and i'd organise them too) every 2 weeks and will always mesg her every day to check in - but will not do hours talking/messaging on the phone, and told her I didn't like being on my phone all the time so would take time to respond (but she shouldn't take it personally).

The rest I think, will just be an adjustment period, for her and you, as you enter different stages of life.

Claphands · 30/07/2021 18:45

I think youre being a little unfeeling maybe, if she hadnt got kids how would she know how much planning it takes to go out without them? If you still want to be friends organise a time to do something ir a get together with all the friends, with or without kids?
Your friendship us worth that effort at least.

EarthSight · 30/07/2021 21:01

Do you actually enjoy spending time with her? Forget feeling sorry for her, or listing great qualities about her that look good on paper but which you don't really care about.

Do you actually feel neutral - good when you are around her? Is she someone you would make time for and not just someone friendly to socialise with?

If the answer is no, then it is you who also has to accept that this friendship has changed or run it's course, not just her. I think there's a part of you that probably feels bad on some level that you are not meeting her needs. That's understandable, but remember, you are friends. You are not her carer and not everyone like going out all of then time anyway.

EarthSight · 30/07/2021 21:10

@todaysdilemma

I actually have this with one of my single girlfriends. Except I don't have children, but I do have a lot of hobbies, other groups of friends i need to maintain contact with, work is very demanding, my partner and I are in the head space about marriage/house/kids and I'm mid 30s so not that bothered about going out anymore. She likes messaging multiple times a day, wants to know eveything i've been upto in a day, including what i've eaten, and likes talking for hours on the phone, wants to see me every week. It's quite emotionally exhausting because i feel she has made me her emotional support person, rather than a friend. And actually, I'm not even this emotionally dependent on my own partner!

I have been single previously when others were coupled up, so I know it gets lonely. But for me, I invested a lot of time into hobbies and dating, and meeting new, single gfs because I'm aware that priorities do change when life stages change. And you can't make friendships a hobby and expect them to fill the void.

For me what worked was just being honest about some boundaries. So happy to meet up (and i'd organise them too) every 2 weeks and will always mesg her every day to check in - but will not do hours talking/messaging on the phone, and told her I didn't like being on my phone all the time so would take time to respond (but she shouldn't take it personally).

The rest I think, will just be an adjustment period, for her and you, as you enter different stages of life.

That's intense. It's sort of the level of interaction you'd expect to have with a romantic partner. I totally get your reluctance to message - I find texting or chat such a waste of time and they can really drag on. Conversations that would have happened in 10mins end up dragging on for 45mins or more.

You are being a very attentive friend my messaging her every day like that. Remember though......she is your adult friend, not your child so I hope you don't feel pressured into doing that.

EarthSight · 30/07/2021 21:10

@todaysdilemma