Lack of interest in friendship or is it me?

[JorahFriendZone]

Bit of background for context and no drip feeding. I originally met friend via Fabswingers, he was and is single; I’m married and in an open marriage. Friend and I met for 14 months both sexually and as friends. The friendship/relationship grew as time went on. In all this time from the time we met mutually it was an “exclusive” FWB situation. He came off fab about 8 months in because he wanted to and in his own words saw no need for it. I made it clear that there was no requirement for it, but if he did want to start meeting others to just let me know. Covid hit, we stayed in touch regularly and he became part of my bubble after about 4 months when we met weekly for walks but didn’t do anything physically (obviously). He ended joining back up to fab and lied when I asked him about it, deleted his profile and then said he just wanted to continue as friends. He stated that he wanted me as a close, special friend (no idea what that means really). That did hurt, the way everything happened, but since autumn last year that’s what we’ve been doing. Sorry, that was a long background!!

Anyway, we still meet as friends sometimes weekly and have plans to go away together later this year. We still message daily, instigated by both of us, and the messages can be long. The problem I’m having is that I feel as though he is potentially drifting away, but my mental health is shot at the moment so I can’t tell if this is just me overthinking and I don’t know how (or whether) to approach it. For the first 14 or so months he would message me quite regularly (and I would reply of course), usually multiple messages a day. There were very odd occasions where he would not message for a day, but usually the messages were back and forth. When we transitioned to just friends the daily messages continued but over time they really do seem to have dwindled, which I kind of expected with messages of a sexual nature not taking place, but it seems to be getting worse.

More recently I seem to be limited to messages once a day, or maybe twice depending. My messages are read and replied to around bed time (for him) regardless of the time sent. Also increasingly there are days he doesn’t message for a day or two and this is where I’m feeling like he’s pulling away from the friendship, or maybe I’m investing more than him. When we do meet up then before/after I seem to be on “rations” in that he seems to withdraw from messaging. Example being we had dinner early this week (where we had a great time) and he didn’t respond to my message the day before and since then I’ve had one message from him and now on day two of no messages, though he has seen my last message. I end up feeling like I’ve done something wrong and mentally it’s getting a little draining. We are meant to be doing something this weekend but I don’t want to message again to firm up details because I don’t want to bother him.

I know the lines are somewhat blurred due to the origin of the nature of the friendship, but the change in communication has been quite drastic. I know people aren’t required to message every day but going off what has been the norm makes me wonder whether he’s just not really that bothered anymore. I would consider him to be a best friend, or would have previously, and according to him I am one of his best friends too. He doesn’t have anyone else really in the area, as he isn’t local and moved here for work. I’m pretty sure he’s not met anyone else, but then again maybe he has and that’s why he’s pulled back, though he had a long chat/rant about previous online dating escapades when we met for dinner and didn’t mention anyone, these were dates from years ago. I’ve probably over-invested, but I don’t really know whether to speak to him about it or just wait and see what happens?

I don’t know what I’m asking really, I’m just feeling incredibly down about the whole thing and mentally having a bit of a tough time at the moment, so maybe this is getting to me more than it should.

Thanks for reading.

I never understand this approach. It's like 'Is it just me?' means 'Is it just something that can be disregarded?'

Why would you disregard something that was 'you'?

It's not 'Lack of interest in friendship or is it me?', it's 'I think he's showing a lack of interest in the friendship.'

Respect your feelings, Respect your opinion. Give them agency. Let them guide you. If you feel someone isn't providing what you want or need emotionally, distance yourself from them. Give yourself some power.

Thank you.

I’ve just found the whole thing quite hard, transitioning from lots of daily contact to daily stable contact and then slowly reducing down. I find it hard when we have a great day out and then he messages once and doesn’t message again for two days, as has happened again over the weekend through to today. I’ve replied as usual and there’s just one tick, which is a new one.

I’m starting to kind of feel that I’m maybe being used to fill in a void with him having no one in the area, so he gets to spend time with someone who kind of fills the gap of a girlfriend without the sex, but I don’t want to say this to him in case it’s me taking things the wrong way because I know he will probably be upset I’m thinking of him like that 🤷🏻‍♀️

It certainly sounds as though you are occupying his thoughts less and he had dialled back on the friendship since you went platonic. I wonder whether this is just a long fizzle in that there is no reason to end it but equally the desire to maintain the connection in whatever form is gone. So you meet, it's great but also you're an after thought in between.
I think in your position I'd tell him this half hearted thing isn't working for you so you think you should cut each other loose. Unless you are keen to keep him in which case give him a the opportunity to be cards on table, but the fact he had all the freedom in the world to manage the relationship how he liked but still lied about using fab again would kill the trust for me.

From a mental health point of view, doubt as to where you stand is terrible. So if he was as concerned about how you felt as you clearly are about him (he'd be upset if he knew you were thinking this way about him eg) he would appreciate your need to know where you stood. If he can't give you that it's time to pull the drawbridge up I think before he drags you down too far.

Hang on! You were FWB and you have an open marriage. That's great for you. You were having all your needs met. What if he is thinking, I actually want more than this. He is the single one. He is allowed to change, grow and think perhaps being in a FWB relationship is not for me now. It really seems to be all about you. Sorry , I think you both need to talk frankly about what you both want

When I first found out and his initial reaction was to lie to me, the trust was severely dented. I went to speak to him the next day and if it hadn’t been for the fact we were due to do something the next weekend that involved an overnight stay I may have never spoken to him again. It was the lie than anything else, though I was very hurt.

There always seems to be a reason to not replying - not that I ask, he generally starts off with it. So today was because he wanted to get his head down and work due to being away from work next week. The time there was a few days delay before that he had lots of chores etc. From my point of view he could have replied at some point before he did, but he didn’t and to me it feels because he couldn’t really be bothered or it’s not been important to him. Again this week I was waiting on his reply to find out whether we were doing something or not, and it’s only today he’s apologised for not getting back to me about it and then essentially said he’s not got time to before he goes away.

If he’s decided he doesn’t want to continue the friendship or whatever then I can respect that, but he could at least let me know where he is at. In person it’s really different and that’s where the confusion comes in even more.

I can totally appreciate what you’re saying just. According to him when we had a chat after the whole being back on fab thing he had feelings too was what he said. I completely fell for him and he knew that, which is part of why I was so upset he didn’t just speak to me. He has been clear since he wants to be friends and I have checked in with him before now to check we are ok and everything is ok. I’ve tried extremely hard throughout to make him happy and to cheer him up as he has needed. I’ve invested a lot of time and energy into the friendship; sending him things monthly that I thought would brighten his day etc, organising activities out and being there for him when he has needed. I understand he’s allowed to change his mind, but at least telling me he wants to take a step back would be nice if that’s what he wants.

You depict the relationship as FWB that gradually stopped being sexual in your OP, but now you’re saying you ‘completely fell for him’? And imply that the transition to platonic friends was of his choosing, not yours?

It sounds to me as if he’s aware you want far more than he does (despite being married) and he’s trying to withdraw gradually?

The fact that he starts if with his trains for not replying suggests that he's aware there is an expectation there that he's not meeting. That seems like an imbalance, maybe he would like you step back (for whatever reason) but doesn't feel like he can because you've been so involved and there is a lot of attachment but at the same time all that freedom means there is no need to end things in the same way as you would when things cooled for a relationship with more conventional boundaries

Starts off with his reasons

You fell for him, so you are expecting more contact than with a normal friendship. He didn't fall for you, so he is actually respecting that you're just friends. Do you text your other platonic friends, or your girlfriends, several times a day? Normally you don't, and that does not mean you don't care about them, it just means that, as friends only, there is no emotional need to keep in contact that often.

The issue is, you still have romantic feelings for him, and are constantly looking for that reassurance from him. It's like a drug. When your next dose doesn't come fast enough, you start showing signs of withdrawal, which gets worse until you get your next dose of attention from him.

I have been where you are. The one and only way that will work to free you of this drug is no contact. You need to go cold turkey so you learn to be without him constantly in your head. It is extremely hard, but for me it has worked and only now I am starting to realise how stuck I was on my FWB and how I was using him as my daily heroin shot. I needed a month and a half of absolutely no contact. And by that i mean no calls, no messages, no messenger, no WhatsApp, no FB posts for him or containing cryptic messages intended for him to read, no "likes" on his posts or instagram, no contact with his friends to see "how he's doing" (he will survive, regardless what your brain tells you), no "accidental" bumping into him or visiting the places he is... nothing) until I started feeling stronger. After that I attempted a brief contact to see how he was doing (I did want to still be friends), but with no intention to see each other. He did reply and I was fine with the reply, and I am still fine with not seeing him. And I am fine with whatever he tells me, regardless whether it is that he is seeing someone, back with his ex-wife or about to move overseas. Believe me, when you reach this point, it is like a liberation! I am strong, and free, and able to enjoy life again without waiting for him to make any decisions. Now I am in charge of my life and even if magically, one day he came back to me and told me he loved me and he wanted me to be the woman of his life, I would likely say no myself.

You can do this.

It stopped being sexual due to Covid/lockdown, but there was still messaging of a sexual nature going on. I checked throughout he was happy to continue as we were and he confirmed he was. That continued until the joining of fab again thing, which would not have been an issue if he hadn’t lied about it and had a conversation. I did fall for him yes. I had told him I loved him, so he was aware of it. He continued to see me sexually for about 4-5 months after that before lockdown hit. After he joined (and subsequently left) fab again we had a conversation and he said I wasn’t the only one to have feelings. He suggested stopping the sexual side in that conversation and it’s been 11 months since then. Communication after then was fine, but it’s the past 2-3 months things seem to have changed or be changing. If he wants to take a step back I would rather he just tell me really, because right now I’m not sure whether it’s that or it’s him being him.

Deep down I probably still do have some kind of feelings for him, though I’m very careful to not overstep the mark and over think how I am. I really like him just as a person and a friend and we have things planned to do together over the next few months, which I’d like to do but then I do understand what you’re saying about needing to withdraw Aurynne. He doesn’t have social media at all, we communicate almost purely via WhatsApp and that’s really it unless we are in person together. I’m still on one tick - I promise I’ve not been checking obsessively, I can see the chat what I go on to use other chats and the last time a few hours ago it was still just the one tick. I think I’m just going to leave him to it and let him reply in his own time whenever he eventually gets the last message, then maybe we need an open and honest conversation going forward.

Sounds like a plan. Meanwhile mirror his level of interest so you aren't putting out more than you're getting in and that should take some of the distress away for now.