My father is a very toxic person. As a child he caused me psychological, emotional and physical harm which has had long lasting consequences for me. For two years many years ago I went no contact and it was one of the most restful periods of my life. There was a specific reason that ended which I can't really go into (I'm worried about this being outing so I'll try and keep extra details to the minimum).
A few years ago I ended an abusive marriage and was going to move to a particular area of the country. However, niggling at me was the thought that if I never saw my dad again then when he died I'd regret it, and he'd be on my mind forever. This I most certainly did not want! So I decided to move nearer to him so that wouldn't happen. Which now sounds crazy, but at the time it felt like an either/or choice. I now realise there were other ways to deal with it. But never mind. What's done is done. The day after I moved here I started a moving fund to move to the place I actually wanted to be. (Due to illness, covid, and other factors that is gone.)
Over the last decade I've come to know him as the same old toxic person, so I'm glad that has been resolved. Just as an example one time I was at his house with some other relatives. He told a little girl there that she had to behave in a certain way (I can't remember exactly how) otherwise she would "end up like that", pointing to me. Everyone was aghast and I ended up crying. Another example is I was seriously ill in hospital, and was very ill afterwards for a long time, he was dragged along to the hospital, spent five minutes with me, then I didn't see him again for three months until I was well enough to visit him. There are many many other examples.
However, at the same time he can be okay. I realise writing this that it's classic abuser here. My husband was similar, and would tell me I was over sensitive and that he was "only joking". He was a lot more subtle than my father. He was also lovely sometimes. And you all know how that works!!
Anyway, after that preamble, my presenting issue at the moment is that after some trying interactions with him I want to go low contact. Because of the family situation here it's not feasible to go no contact, plus he's worth quite a bit, he's very old and I want some of that money as recompense. This is probably unhealthy.
After the events during my illness I expect you're thinking that it would be quite easy! However, I keep getting dragged in. There's no one else but me allowing this, and it's as if it's an automatic reaction that happens before I can think properly and stop myself. So, I need a bit of advice about that, if anyone can help. Thank you.
The other thing surrounding money is that I've come to realise fairly recently that whilst he criticises me for not making much of myself, and goes on about how can I afford to buy x or y when I've no money, he wants to keep me in this position because it keeps him in a position of power. i.e. the inheritence keeping me in some contact with him. I fantasise about winning a lot of money so I can just forget about him.
I do have skills, experience and qualifications, only I think so little of myself that I struggle to put these to good use, and to be consistent and to keep going. I could be earning anything really because I know I could, my thoughts keep me down though, and I just feel paralised mentally. One of the reasons being a childhood where my father told me I'd never amount to anything, and this current period in my life when he looms very large.
I've had a lot of psychotherapy, which has really helped. And it's helped both by allowing me to work things out a bit and also I've completed two major qualifications that I would otherwise have not finished. I feel I'm through with talking now and want to be more active in how I solve this.
Apologies for the length!
Basically what I want is to reduce contact, but also for him not to be so dominant in my life even when he's not there. (Ultimately, he'll either die or I'll move before he does.)
Also, if anyone has some advice on sorting out what I could do to improve my career situation, I'd be very grateful. I'm self employed and barely getting by, and I feel stuck with how to progress.
I feel having written this that my fixation on his money isn't doing me a lot of good. Also, I feel some outside input will help my confused thoughts. Or pick up something that I've missed.
Thanks for reading!