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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can’t relax in relationship

19 replies

SarahScone · 30/07/2021 11:30

Hi all. After some advice and hopefully a (gentle!) kick in the bum.

I am with a brilliant man. We have been together for 18 months, living together and trying for a baby. He says he loves me, is committed to me and wants our lives to be built together.

He had been separated for 18 months when we met (divorce process ongoing due to COVID but i have no reason to think the delay is due to anything other than that). She left him and he subsequently found out she was having an affair. He said the relationship hadn’t been good for the previous 3 or 4 years and feels that they grew apart and it would have happened at some point, catalyst or not. He has a 5 year old daughter with his ex wife (who I get on brilliantly with). They co-parent (50/50) and he sees his ex a couple of times a week at drop off etc.

He regularly talks about our future and is giving me no real reason so be suspicious.

Yet I cannot shake the feeling that if his ex wife asked, he would go back. I am terrified that he is in love with both of us and that he would go back to her for the sake of his daughter.
We have argued a few times because I am insistent that he tells me about communication he has with his ex. He says it’s controlling and he is not wrong. I am doing my best but have what I hope to god is an irrational fear of him leaving me.
I worry that because it is so perfect that there must be something waiting round the corner to sabotage my/our happiness and I can’t relax into the relationship.
I am well aware that this will become a self fulfilling prophecy if I don’t do something about it soon.

Any advice gratefully received x

OP posts:

fantasmasgoria1 · 30/07/2021 11:38

If that's how you feel then be straight and ask him.

Original poster

SarahScone · 30/07/2021 11:52

Done that. The problem is more learning to accept his answer

OP posts:

Craftycorvid · 30/07/2021 12:04

What’s your own relationship history, OP? You sound as scared of the fact this feels great (the relationship) as of the thought it could end? Things that are unfamiliar can feel threatening even if they are good things. Alternatively, are you picking up details from his conversations or tone when he talks about the ex that suggest he’s not fully moved on? 18 months is a relatively short time frame and you are both still in the adjustment phase. Trying for a baby is going to be added pressure on you both.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 30/07/2021 12:08

It’s quite quick for you to have met him, moved in and be trying for a child - do you think that having his baby will somehow make all this better?

TBH if you’re feeling like this you need to stop TTC and work on how to feel secure in this relationship first. If you honestly think he might go back to his ex if she clicked her fingers then how would being tied to him with a baby for the rest of your feel?

litterbird · 30/07/2021 12:22

I am quite concerned about the speediness of him moving on. He is still in the separation process. He has discovered his wife has betrayed him (if that’s true) and that will take a very long time to come to terms with. He will have to navigate a new relationship with his wife as there is a child involved. Yes, they absolutely could get back together, it happens with separated spouses. However, if you stay with him you need to realise his wife will be in your life permanently and you will have to deal with that and your anxiety. Divorces are relatively easy to do online if uncontested and the childcare arrangements etc are sorted as is in your partner and his wife is concerned. Where are they in the divorce process? I would strongly advise to not try for a baby at this time. He is fully available to you right now.

litterbird · 30/07/2021 12:22

He is not fully available, I was supposed to say x

Sampafie · 30/07/2021 12:47

Are you hoping if you have a baby with him, his loyalty would be to you and not his daughters mother? You do realize he could leave you for someone else entirely?

Original poster

SarahScone · 30/07/2021 12:53

I certainly have a bit of a chequered past in terms of one (essential abusive) ex returning to his ex wife. Or trying to - she wouldn’t have him. And one very hard ‘unrequited love’ episode. Those experiences could certainly be leading me to expect the worst.
Additionally, I could very well be reading into his tone when he talks about her. But I am also fully aware of my own intensity and irrationality so very hard to know whether to trust my own judgement.
Thank you for your reply, though. It was very insightful.

OP posts:

ActonSquirrel · 30/07/2021 12:56

I'm really sorry but separated or not you are trying for a baby with a married man. I couldn't do it.

It all seems a quick. You're clearly not happy or you wouldn't be asking. I'd stop ttc until he is at least divorced. But then that still leaves you an unmarried mother with none of the legal protections of marriage.

TheTrinity · 30/07/2021 12:59

I have to agree with everyone and say that there are issues within your relationship, maybe they are solely your own issues but they are affecting your relationship. Please, put your ttc on hold, it feels terrible to say that but establishing a secure and loving relationship with your partner is more important right now.
Perhaps it is better to wait until the divorce is final - have they got the Decree Nisi at least? Is there just a backlog or are there other things within the divorce itself that's causing a delay? It's true he is not technically fully available to be in a fully committed serious relationship.

user16395699 · 30/07/2021 13:17

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

It’s quite quick for you to have met him, moved in and be trying for a child - do you think that having his baby will somehow make all this better?

Agree. Too fast. Especially for someone with past experience of abuse.

Babies deserve to be brought into healthy, stable environments. This isn't one.

You're with a married man, going far too fast, and insecure. Stop TTC.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/07/2021 13:20

Have to agree I’m afraid.

You need to told back on the TTC.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/07/2021 13:21

Hold back

Original poster

SarahScone · 30/07/2021 13:34

Thanks for all your comments. They’re helping put things in perspective.
In terms of context, we are both late 30s and don’t want to delay on the baby front. But fully accept that I need to address the reason as to why I am not at peace in the relationship before going any further.
I need to get to grips with whether it is my own insecurity or if he does still have feelings for her.

OP posts:

Finknottlesnewt · 30/07/2021 19:13

Has he mentioned marriage to you OP ? Is it something you have discussed.? I. Certainly wouldn't be having a child with a man who was still married to someone else .. for starters, she is still his legal next of kin. !

If he is really committed to you he will
crack on with the divorce and make plans to marry you .. please do thinks this way round it will take away a lot of the anxiety. Having a baby doesn't make people commit .. making a voluntary declaration is a much better indicator of his intentions.

On the other hand if you want a baby and don't care about being a single
Parent - crack on

DivorcedAndDelighted · 30/07/2021 20:45

It sounds like you may have an insecure - anxious attachment style.
I can't comment on whether it's too soon for this chap, but it may help you generally to read up on attachment styles. This is a good place to start.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2021 20:53

I think your gut is trying to tell you this is all wrong and you're trying to fight it. You've only known him 18 months, he's still married, and you're already trying for a baby. I'm sorry, but it's madness. Having a baby with a married man is a terrible idea imo, regardless if he's separated. Even dating a married man is I'll advised. There is too much unfinished business and too much raw emotion still involved.

FlowerArranger · 30/07/2021 21:17

It's way too soon.

He is still married.
He doesn't seem truly committed.
He likely still has an emotional attachment to his wife.

Don't let the ticking fertility clock rule your head...

LittlefairyMum · 30/07/2021 21:27

This is your stuff.

Speak to a counsellor ASAP.

He's not going to take back a cheater over what you have together, if you think he will ( clearly you do ) you need to sort yourself out.

I'm not saying he'll never leave, or you won't leave him... But you have issues from your childhood that make you think he's going to leave you for his cheating ex and that you're not good enough for him.

Sort them out. Live happily X

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