I have a long back story but would be here all night writing it. Basically, I had a very difficult relationship with my dad. He and his side of the family blamed 13 year old me for splitting up the family. (I told mum he was having an affair.)
My sister was much younger and had a good relationship with him. Then he died. Dsis was a child, I was a young adult. The whole period around his death and funeral was like an episode of Eastenders. I was not allowed back in our house and my sister was given 20 minutes to collect up her things then never allowed in again. We have no photos, no keepsakes, nothing. We weren't looking for things of great value. Dsis wanted his fishing rod and trophies, I would have liked to keep his glasses. No use to me but I would have liked to keep them.
Dad's side continued to send my sister cards/gifts for birthdays and Christmases but wouldn't even say hello to me.
Fast forward 10 years and our rock, our wonderful mum died too. No-one from that side checked to see we were ok. We were because we had each other and my husband invited my Dsis to stay with us in her final year of uni so we could support her.
Out of the blue we found out last week that our aunt still owns "our" childhood home. All our belongings had gone to charity. Nothing of our dad's was kept. Dad left the house to her so that our mum and (possibly I) didn't get back in it. She has made a lot of money from renting out the house. She has just given dsis a wedding present of a considerable sum. I got a frying pan when I got married.
I'm not even upset about the money. I'm upset that they all still think that 13 year old me is to blame for adult problems.
We don't know what will happen with his house. Will it eventually go to my sister or to my aunt's children? Am I such an awful person? My dad used to tell me I had an ugly face and an ugly personality.
I don't want to feel like the sad 15 year old when things were really bad but I can't help it.
I know I have a wonderful husband, beautiful children, I've worked hard, got a good job, supported my sister. Yet at the back of my mind, I still wonder if I'm actually evil and if everyone would be better off without me. I have a couple of autoimmune diseases which means I don't always keep well, sometimes don't have the energy I would like to do things with the kids but I try my best. Maybe my best isn't good enough though.
He has been gone a long time now yet still seems to have the power to create new shocks and upset. I thought I was ok. I knew I had a crap childhood but put it to one side and made my life better. I feel I'm back to square one.