Confused - controlling?

[PippiStocking]

Hi, I’m posting because it would be good to get an objective opinion on some stuff that went on at the beginning of my relationship with DP. I’d appreciate any thoughts.

Bit of background: I’ve always been pretty independent, moved to different countries alone, etc. was single for a few years before meeting DP, before that was in several LTRs. Met OP when he moved into my flat as a lodger. We quickly hit it off and started seeing each other. A month in ‘his room’ was mostly being left unused so we agreed to trial sharing my room and saving on rent. Within a month or so it was clear to me it was too much and I wanted/needed more space. I realised sharing a room was far too intense and I felt completely stressed and suffocated by it. My ideal scenario was for him to move out and find a separate flat so we could maintain our own lives while getting to know each other.

• He refused / got emotional/upset when I broached this. Before he moved into my place he had been flat-hunting for a while following a break up with his previous gf. He expressed upset about having to search again and move into a house share with strangers, couldn’t afford a whole flat at that point. He would basically get upset and make me feel guilty about him having to do this.

• As a second option, I suggested he move back into his own separate room in my flat (the one he originally rented). Again, he got upset and emotional about this, citing the DIY he’d done in my room (he built some cupboards), saying that it felt like his room now and he felt like he was being chucked out.

• He would get upset if I didn’t want to spend the weekend with him. He wasn’t happy in his job at the time and mentioned he wanted to put his energy into our relationship. I have a distinct memory of counting ahead to a pre-arranged festival with friends months ahead in the summer, when I knew I would finally get some time away to myself. In contrast to the year before we met (I was actually holidaying with friends when he moved in), that festival was one of just a handful of occasions I spent time with friends in the whole first year of our relationship. Somehow, a few years down the line, my social life has now dwindled to nothing. He’s never stopped me, I don’t really know what’s happened. I always felt any time he wasn’t there it was a relief to just have time to myself, let alone going out meeting people (I had recently moved to a new city when I met him so had been joining clubs and meet-ups and trying to get a social circle together at that time).

• He would insist we went to bed together at the same time. He would sit next to me on the sofa and ensure he always went to bed at the exact same time I did, never earlier or later.

• if I was reading a book or texting someone he would lean over my shoulder and ask what I was reading, who I was speaking to, etc.

• He is extremely attentive and will run around doing everything, to the point that sometimes I find it suffocating, overbearing, annoying. E.g. Asking if I want a glass of water frequently, when he’s not even getting one for himself.

Throughout all this, although I hated feeling so suffocated and could feel my sense of independence falling from my grasp, I felt uncharacteristically unable to put my foot down – I felt very overwhelmed by having someone in my physical and emotional space all the time, and was also invested in the relationship and felt the need to keep things on an even keel because fall outs, emotionally charged conversations, etc. were distressing and unbalancing.

In the end this situation persisted for years, with me repeatedly returning to the fact I felt unhappy and suffocated and lacking space. Every few months I would express again that the situation wasn’t working for me and I was unhappy, and we would have an earnest conversation where he would pledge to make it work by for eg spending more of his down time in the spare room, etc. He always asked that I didn’t force him to move out as he couldn’t guarantee that this wouldn’t make him unhappy to the extent it would affect our relationship.

I'm not sure what your question is? It's pretty clear you are not happy in this relationship and yet it's lasted years? You need to end it. It will not get better. You don't say how old you both are but from the life styles I would guess you are both 20s or 30s? Don't waste your life on an upsetting relationship, you are losing precious years. There's no point is analysing it, you are really quite unhappy aren't you?

Pog100

Yeah I am. I feel angry all the time. I also feel really isolated and trapped.

I suppose I’m just interested in people’s thoughts on this scenario as well. I’d always been really independent and I just know I feel resentful and weird when I think about the beginning of our relationship.

Ugh he's controlling and chipped away at your independence and confidence - little by little by little.

Get rid of him. Take back your life.

Also, it's pretty clear he's controlling you because he needs a place to live.

Very controlling and boundary crossing.

He is a creep.

Aim higher.

We’ve recently moved into our own bigger place and I feel like a lot of anger has come to the surface as I have a bit more space to breath. I just feel confused. I feel like I adapted myself a lot to make the relationship work because asserting my need for space and autonomy became too stressful, the idea of us breaking up felt like a threat to my existence so I just found ways to adapt and try and make it work. I find if I’m feeling more positive and energised we argue and I end up feeling wiped out and depressed and like I need him and just want everything to be ok. I just feel dreary and small.

I should add - he doesn’t argue with me, I argue with him. He’s a peace maker in arguments and very conciliatory.

From what you've said he sounds very needy, clingy and possessive. I'm not sure that's the same as controlling.

However, if you're not happy does it really matter what the badge is?

How long has the relationship been OP?
What is it like in respect to how you two deal with decision-making on money , domestic chores, work, housing, etc? It sounds like he is constantly in need of reassurance which is exhausting.

It's not a "normal" beginning of a relationship - to move in together immediately - think about it. Normally people get to know each other in increments and decide if it's a relationship they want to progress. You two didn't even date, he just moved into your room. It was too much too soon

Why don't you tell (not ask) him to move out so you can date each other for a while?

I don't think he's particularly controlling, I just think the two of you are incompatible & want different things from a relationship.

So he has given up work? Is he paying rent or does he pay in DIY jobs?

A month in ‘his room’ was mostly being left unused so we agreed to trial sharing my room and saving on rent. Within a month or so it was clear to me it was too much and I wanted/needed more space. I realised sharing a room was far too intense and I felt completely stressed and suffocated by it. My ideal scenario was for him to move out and find a separate flat so we could maintain our own lives while getting to know each other.

He refused / got emotional/upset when I broached this.

Sadly, this is when you should have ended it. You told him what your boundaries were, he stomped all over them and you allowed it.

You don't have to allow this anymore. Get rid of him.

Not sure if it's controlling or not, but it sounds suffocating and not as though you're compatible. Do you think you'd be happier out of the relationship?

he's sounds terrifyingly controlling and manipulative ..

I'm betting his next threat will be Suicide ... be prepared for this ..

You must end this ... Safely

I wouldn't necessarily say it's controlling (from experience) but needy and clingy for definate. I couldn't put up with it. He got emotional over a room because he built some cupboards in it? No wonder you feel suffocated!

My ex was controlling from neediness and clingyness.

I couldn't read a book without him asking what it was about and being jealous of it being more interesting. I stopped reading, it was easier.

I love painting, same issue. Critique my work, make suggestions. I just wanted some me time. I stopped all of my crafts. It was easier.

I couldn't go out without coming home to a guilt trip or catastrophe. A guilt trip because he had been alone, had done x, y, z. I stopped going out in the end. It wasn't worth it.

Mt friends didn't want to come around because he was always present, listening, in a sickly, overly helpful way. Intrusive on privacy, but oh what a nice man eh? They stopped coming.

We argued about once every 3 months, always the same things, he would always promise he would change if I gave him the chance. He would be much better for a month or so, then get snippy, then once challenged, get ill/dependant.

He would do anything for me, like get water as you say, because all of these little favours add up to a debt of guilt. You feel like the unreasonable one. If I did the washing up, he would re do it properly. It undermined my knowledge that I could actually do all of these things for myself. It made me feel like I needed him. I gave up trying to do anything for myself or escape.

When I tried to leave, he threatened suicide. He begged, he needed me, he would do anything blah blah blah.

I left. He raped me. I got pregnant despite the MAP. He found out by going through my bin bags. Normal eh?

Sometimes control looks different to what people expect. It can be someone who you believe needs you to survive. Without you they would have nowhere to live. They have no family/friends. They depend on you and you owe them. Over time it wears you down and you stay because of guilt, not happiness or love. This is codependancy. It is unhealthy.

If any of this rings bells with you, please escape. You don't owe him anything or need to feel guilty, he chooses to do those things, he isn't your child. You aren't his mummy, responsible for him for life. You can do everything that you need to do to survive on your own.

If it doesn't ring true, maybe you just need to talk it through and mean it.

Do leave, don't let him know. Ring the police to check on him once the suicide threats start to come (it will be an attempt to control you).
Whilst not anywhere near as bad as what you describe, I tried to ditch my ex-h three times in our first year together for similar behaviour (insisting on staying every night, no space, creating a gratitude debt). Lost the fight to continue to do so and lost a lot of the things that made me 'me'. Get out now.

God, that sounds terrifying Chickenyhead. I hope you are ok now?

My alarm bells started going off when you said that "we agreed to trial sharing my room and saving on rent". Is he cocktail lodger? Are all his emotionally manipulative antics aimed at keeping a subsidised roof over his head?

But regardless of how costs and chores are shared, I cannot believe you let this go on for years, @PippiStocking. He is literally suffocating you and stopping you from leading your best life!!

It doesn't really matter whether he does it because he is controlling or just extremely needy. What matters is the effect he is having on YOU.

What has stopped you so far from getting rid of this albatross around your neck?

Cocktail lodger??!!! WTF... you know what I mean

Needy, clingy, suffocating.

You aren't relaxed, content and your best self with him.

So you shouldn't be with him.

Thanks for the responses

@Chickenyhead so sorry to hear you went through that, thanks for sharing your experience, I appreciate it. Some of those things ring a bell (hobbies etc falling away as it’s just easier not to bother when someone comes and interferes and gets in your space every time you try and do something), although not all of it.

The constantly doing things as well – it I’ve always wondered what is at the heart of this. It has always struck me as funny and maybe serving some need for him? Despite the fact that on the surface of things it’s about doing something for me. It seems to go beyond being thoughtful and expressing affection.

E.g. Even if he’s getting or doing something for both of us – like if he’s cooked tea – he’ll frame it like “I’m gonna get you something to eat”.

He’s not bullying or mean, but I feel like he has used emotional pressure (which is stressful to manage) to guide me into a course of action that suits him. And that course of action has involved me giving up my independence and autonomy when I didn’t want to. And becoming enmeshed in a relationship very early and in a way that felt like a one way street – there was no option to moderate how much time we were spending together or assess how I was feeling about the relationship, it was just all or nothing.

Anyway, just thinking out loud really!

Thanks again for all the responses.

He IS a bully though. Just because he’s used manipulative and suffocating tactics rather than screaming and shouting- he’s repeatedly, over years, refused to respect you, your need for space, your boundaries and you as a person.

He is draining you - you get angry and he stays calm because he has you where he wants you and it means you are even more destabilised because now you’re the ‘bad guy’ for getting angry and upset. This is actually quite an intensely manipulative and abusive tactic. Look at what has happened to you and your life. He’s moulded you into what he wants from day 1.