I’m 37. Been with partner / boyfriend, for 3 years, divorced on both sides. Both have DC although his are older than mine.
It’s a really enjoyable relationship in its active periods with similar interests / hobbies / ways to spend our time, and giving each other space to be with DC when needed. He’s charming and fun and very warm. He is an extrovert and is the type to introduce me to lots of new experiences and people and we have adventures together. He has brought spontaneity and enjoyment to my life.
My only bugbear is that he seems to spend our relationship - and I would go as far to say, most of his life, including his job, children and other friendships - constantly over promising, under delivering and then hedging and putting out fires.
When I say under-delivering I don’t mean letting everyone down or not coming through. More that he over promises to everyone in his life and then has to find a way of delivering to everyone, and as he spreads himself thinner and thinner, you feel like you get less of him, especially emotionally.
Examples are things like - he organises holidays and little trips. He’s really thoughtful and they are always so much fun, but the week of promised relaxation and fun gets cut short into a weekend whistle stop tour because he forgot he promised to do something for one of his children on Monday.
He has made big declarations about our relationship, like how he wants to marry me, move in together, do x, y and z in the future, but when it comes down to it, he does not deliver fully, or he has some issue with his ex or his DC, or his work, so we trundle on with this spontaneity.
We are in a cycle now which I recognise where I feel like a spinning plate. He’s running around like a headless chicken promising things to his work and his colleagues and his ex and his kids and his friends, as well as having a relationship with me, and he returns to spin my plate. We speak every day, often several times a day, and we see each other two-three times a week, about what we’ve been up to, and making plans together.
When I do go with his flow, ie occupy myself with work other things and other people (not romantically) while he is busy, and I become a bit less available, he takes it as a sign I am pulling away and is all over me like a rash. Giving me lots of attention, making lots of promises and over-delivering. I once lost my phone for 12 hours and found him at my door in the middle of the night because his assumption was I’d dumped him because he was too busy doing other things and not paying attention to me. We then go on holiday together and everything’s brilliant and he feels he has spun my plate enough and I go back into “maintenance mode.”
I am in love with him, and since being with him, I’m happy to accept what he is able to give and I am not demanding more. But what happens is that he insists that I agree to more, that I expect more, that I ask for more, that I hold him accountable for more. He even writes it in his and my calendars and sets alarms on our phones. He gets upset and offended if I tell him I know his pattern and he can’t deliver this and I am happy with what he can give. But he is insistent.
Then when the day comes that he has to deliver and he can’t, I feel like a bit of a fool. Almost gaslighted, sometimes, for believing something that doesn’t appear to be true. Or having an expectation that doesn’t get met. The result of that is the love and attachment feels lopsided, even though if you looked at it on the surface or as a bystander, he would appear to be much more crazy about me than I am about him due to his very extravagant displays and plate spinning.
Have you ever been in a relationship like this? Is there a solution, or you just enjoy the highs and the lows?