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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me word this message please?

21 replies

Whattodonow5 · 29/07/2021 18:43

Been with dp for a year.
He has lots of good points apart that in the last few months the sex had really dwindled. Down from every time we were together down to once a fortnight and we're only mid 30s and he doesn't even have kids.

I brought it up a few weeks ago and he got defensive and said he felt under pressure in our relationship sometimes due to sex but also having sometimes to choose what we have for dinner or if we go for a walk or drive somewhere (?)
Im definitely not a 'don't mind' kind of person and happy to make decisions but obviously don't all the time so as not to be bossy.

But the lack of sex has really knocked my confidence and for a while there was still intimacy and affection which I could cope with but now that's gone too. But I feel like I don't want to initiate now in case it puts him under pressure.

He said he doesn't like to talk about feelings or deep stuff so I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place. If he won't talk about it then what do I do. I feel low when I'm at his house, unattractive and unwanted. I took a lot of my stuff home today and he's asked why.
I've stayed there 3 times this week. 2 nights he's gone to bed very early (as in 9) but then was watching what I was watching in bed? Then the night I suggested we go to bed together he said he wanted to stay up to finish watching a rubbish film he's seen loads of times so I gave in at midnight and went up.

I want to vocalise how I feel without making a load of accusations at him and think I might say it better via text than over the phone.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

Tempusfudgeit · 29/07/2021 18:44

I think it's over, sorry.

SarahBellam · 29/07/2021 18:47

I wouldn’t bother. Life’s too short. Just dump him. The sex is not going to get more frequent than it is now, he’s emotionally closed and he’s complains that he sometimes has to decide what to have for dinner?! Really? He sounds like the booby prize at the community centre summer fair.

Fustyoldface · 29/07/2021 18:48

Doesn’t like to talk about ‘deep stuff’? Yeah op there’s better than this out there.

HollowTalk · 29/07/2021 18:50

I feel low when I'm at his house, unattractive and unwanted.

I wouldn't stay with someone who made me feel like this.

IWantT0BreakFree · 29/07/2021 18:51

He's told you that he feels under pressure to have sex, and you obviously aren't happy with the frequency of the sex in the relationship. I think you just sound incompatible unfortunately. The answer can't be to have more sex, because that's him being coerced into sex he doesn't want. It sounds like you need more intimacy in general from him than he is prepared to give (he doesn't want to share his feelings or talk about the deep stuff, he wants his own time in the evenings etc). If it's a long term issue rather than a temporary blip, which it seems to be, I think you just have to accept that you want different things. It's no use comparing the relationship now to the honeymoon period when you first got together and hoping things will go back to that unfortunately.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/07/2021 18:52

Leave this emotionally incontinent man, this is who he really is and such men do not change. Your relationship with him should be over.

Original poster

Whattodonow5 · 29/07/2021 18:53

You're right I think I've known in my gut that it's over but stupidly I've been saying to myself that it's shallow me wanting to leave over lack of sex. I wish it didn't matter to me as much as it does but it's important to me especially when there's no affection there either. I think id rather be alone than have what I have at the moment.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2021 18:55

He said he doesn't like to talk about feelings or deep stuff

Well what this means is he doesn’t want to hear about your thoughts or feelings as it’s just too much hassle for him so he intends to live his life as he wishes and he’s banning you from trying to raise anything you’re not happy about with him.

For that alone I’d bin this off.

curiouslypacific · 29/07/2021 19:06

It's not shallow to dump someone when you find you're incompatible, particularly relatively early on, before you've got significant commitments.

It's not just about sex either is it? He sounds like he's just a passenger in this relationship - and one that's actively avoiding any kind of intimacy at that.

Give him the 'It's not you,it's me' speech and find someone that isn't emotionally constipated.

FantasticButtocks · 29/07/2021 19:13

Suggestion wording for your message:

Hi DP, this isn't working for me anymore. I understand you won't want to discuss it (as you don't like deep conversations) but it's not enough for me, and your lack of interest is palpable, so I'm just letting you know our relationship is over. Will come and collect my stuff, but won't be coming to stay again.

girlmom21 · 29/07/2021 19:16

@Whattodonow5

You're not ending it over lack of sex - it's just a contributing factor.

You're not compatible. He's not capable of communicating. He's not able to give you the attention you need. He's not willing to make the effort you expect (and you're really not expecting much!)

Fustyoldface · 29/07/2021 19:21

Op just have this weekend to your self and then afterwards give him a ring and say you’re looking for something else and good luck, didn’t need to be any more than that especially since he ‘doesn’t do deep stuff.’

MiniTheMinx · 29/07/2021 19:23

Sounds like he's too much of a coward to end it.

What would happen if you distanced yourself from him, made alternative plans, not available at the usual times and make no suggestions to see each other?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2021 19:24

It is OVER, op. Every single second with him is another one wasted. He sounds like a total pillock, BTW. You can do far better than this twat.

KaptainKaveman · 29/07/2021 19:25

You deserve better OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2021 19:32

He said he doesn't like to talk about feelings or deep stuff

Be honest with yourself, you should have walked away the second this drivel came out of his mouth. That should have told you everything you need to know about him. What a fucking idiot he is.

Aprilx · 29/07/2021 19:45

@FantasticButtocks

Suggestion wording for your message:

OP, are you serious, after a year, you want help with a text message to end things? Come on, be decent, it deserves a conversation, even if it is a short one along the lines of “this isn’t working any more”.

TooWicked · 29/07/2021 19:48

I think a quick phonecall...

"I know you've said you don't like to talk about feelings or deep stuff, so I'll keep it brief. This relationship isn't working for me any more. When is a convenient time for me to come and collect my stuff?".

Original poster

Whattodonow5 · 29/07/2021 19:52

Thanks for all your advice.
I don't want to end things by text but wondered if he'd respond better to how I felt if he read something first before a conversation.

I think I just have to be honest with myself though don't I and realise it's dead in the water.
It's been my first relationship since my divorce and it was so lovely at the beginning. Just feel sad that something else hasn't worked out.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2021 19:54

I don't want to end things by text but wondered if he'd respond better to how I felt if he read something first before a conversation.

There is no conversation to be had here. Go over to his, tell him it's over, collect your things and move on.

Fustyoldface · 29/07/2021 19:54

Do you usually spend the weekend together? Could you leave it this weekend and maybe just send a text that you need a bit of time to think about it? Then call him to say it’s not working out for you.

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