Feeling in competition with other women almost my entire dating life

Maria53 · 2021-07-29T16:25:34+00:00

Let my preface this by saying I always lift other women up, support my friends, mentor at work etc. But I have felt this way and it has almost got worse with online dating and social media. I'm late 20s. Examples: At 16, 2 girls tried to steal my boyfriend and I had to work hard at keeping them away Aged 18, I was called jealous for the way my bf was behaving with another girl. I left him and he got into a relationship with her Aged 22, a boyfriend and I grew apart which was partially down to another woman flirting. He is now married to that woman Aged 26, my long term boyfriend cheated on me. It is also worth saying I have also had a very nice relationship where no other women were involved. I'm quite good looking, smart,a nice person - but it has taken a toll of my self esteem. I think I am worth a decent relationship but men don't seem to think so long term. I have really liked a guy for a while and we were supposed to go on a date just before the pandemic. I haven't seen him since & I've realised a mutual friend is making a play for him and he seems to be noticing. It has really upset me. [sad] I just want one man who just wants me. Who isn't always keeping his irons in a few other fires. Is that really too much to ask? Is it a matter of maturity and age?

Original poster

Maria53 · 29/07/2021 17:26

I also used to have more confidence in my own unique talents and traits. But now with online dating it feels like you're just a finger tap away from someone 'better'. Is it just me or was life better when you had access to a smaller pool and didn't have all this comparison?

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StartingAgain33 · 29/07/2021 17:56

Yes, yes it was. When we would relate as humans and not as lists of attributes. Online dating is brutal for everybody but the few (and I say that as someone who used to be relatively high up the pecking order but then who had the temerity to hit my late 30s). You are not alone.

SoundBar · 29/07/2021 18:02

I think you've got the wrong end of the stick here. Any man who has his head turned by another woman - you should be thanking her for exposing his crap character! Dump, block and delete. Next!

nevernotstruggling · 29/07/2021 18:07

You are selling yourself short. This behaviour is a terrible reflection of the men involved, not you. You need to google the 'pick me dance' if you are ever feeling you are competing with another woman again dump the bloke immediately x

Original poster

Maria53 · 29/07/2021 18:29

@StartingAgain33

Yes, yes it was. When we would relate as humans and not as lists of attributes. Online dating is brutal for everybody but the few (and I say that as someone who used to be relatively high up the pecking order but then who had the temerity to hit my late 30s). You are not alone.

I hated it as it is all based on looks and very shallow.

I can objectively say I am above average looking and I can honestly say that in love, for the most part, this has done me no favours. The woman my ex cheated with was not good looking.

More often than not I click with average looking men with great personalities and they rarely ever ask me out. It breaks my heart really, I feel like I'll never meet anyone sometimes.

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Original poster

Maria53 · 29/07/2021 18:33

@nevernotstruggling

You are selling yourself short. This behaviour is a terrible reflection of the men involved, not you. You need to google the 'pick me dance' if you are ever feeling you are competing with another woman again dump the bloke immediately x

Thank you for saying this. I feel particularly down tonight as I had hoped I might pick up with the guy I was meant to have a date with and now it looks as though another woman might be on the scene. We are friends and I have developed real feelings for him.

I've looked up the pick me dance. I've done this before once and would avoid doing it again. I can see why women do it when they are in danger of losing someone they love - but it isn't worth your self worth is it

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PicsInRed · 29/07/2021 18:39

A lot of men who perceive you as "out of their league" will move onto someone they're less afraid of being dumped by. There's also the subset of men (and women too, obvs) who are simply looking to settle for someone they think is ok enough and, again, who isn't "too good" and they can hold onto longer term.

The downside of being selected by one of these guys is that the woman wasnt chosen for her, she was simply deemed sufficiently qualified to be appointed to the role of wife unbeknownst to her, this may be a fixed term contract and bearer of his children.

In other words, it's not necessarily anything you're doing wrong and dating these days is fairly shit.

66babe · 29/07/2021 18:40

Does that not clearly show that it's not all about looks ?

"I can objectively say I am above average looking and I can honestly say that in love, for the most part, this has done me no favours. The woman my ex cheated with was not good looking. "

Original poster

Maria53 · 29/07/2021 18:54

@PicsInRed

A lot of men who perceive you as "out of their league" will move onto someone they're less afraid of being dumped by. There's also the subset of men (and women too, obvs) who are simply looking to settle for someone they think is ok enough and, again, who isn't "too good" and they can hold onto longer term.

The downside of being selected by one of these guys is that the woman wasnt chosen for her, she was simply deemed sufficiently qualified to be appointed to the role of wife unbeknownst to her, this may be a fixed term contract and bearer of his children.

In other words, it's not necessarily anything you're doing wrong and dating these days is fairly shit.

I remember the woman my ex cheated with went on and on about how gorgeous he was on social media...gushing about his looks in a way I never did. A bit later on the blinkers had clearly come off and they aren't together now.

I am actually avoiding online dating completely because I find it shallow, especially Tinder. But I'm now thinking - maybe that is where the guys are and my head is in the clouds if I think I'll meet men the old fashioned way?!

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Original poster

Maria53 · 29/07/2021 18:56

@66babe

Does that not clearly show that it's not all about looks ?

"I can objectively say I am above average looking and I can honestly say that in love, for the most part, this has done me no favours. The woman my ex cheated with was not good looking. "

So what do you mean, I was lacking as a person and that is why I was cheated on?

Because what I do know is he is a cheat and she is a woman that knowingly cheated with a man in a relationship.

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PicsInRed · 29/07/2021 19:01

I remember the woman my ex cheated with went on and on about how gorgeous he was on social media...gushing about his looks in a way I never did

Yep, so she gave him an ego boost with endless compliments, whilst I'm guessing you inadvertently made him feel self conscious in some way as you were (again I'm guessing?) possibly better looking than him.

He sounds fairly shallow if that's the case, and you've really dodged a bullet. The low self esteem guys tend to be the cheaters IME. Which of course he did!

66babe · 29/07/2021 19:02

You are not lacking in any way

I'm saying that some men or women will cheat regardless of looks or levels of attractiveness

There is so much more than that

Sampafie · 29/07/2021 22:10

At 16, 2 girls tried to steal my boyfriend and I had to work hard at keeping them away

This sounds like he was a puppy or a pet or something that BELONGED to you..which, as Im sure you know, being of above intelligence and all that, no other human actually does. You sound super possessive and as good as you are at articulating online, I suspect there are many red flags men cant overlook in real life.
The fact is, the dating pool isnt small. You would probably have an issue with any potential Partner working in a setting with women younger than you/him and would probably only feel "safe" were he around women in their 80s or 90s. You really need to work on yourself before you nosedive into the next catastrophe. There just seems to be alot going on in terms of inferiority complexes

Original poster

Maria53 · 29/07/2021 23:09

@Sampafie

At 16, 2 girls tried to steal my boyfriend and I had to work hard at keeping them away

This sounds like he was a puppy or a pet or something that BELONGED to you..which, as Im sure you know, being of above intelligence and all that, no other human actually does. You sound super possessive and as good as you are at articulating online, I suspect there are many red flags men cant overlook in real life.
The fact is, the dating pool isnt small. You would probably have an issue with any potential Partner working in a setting with women younger than you/him and would probably only feel "safe" were he around women in their 80s or 90s. You really need to work on yourself before you nosedive into the next catastrophe. There just seems to be alot going on in terms of inferiority complexes

Would only feel safe around women in their 80s or 90s? Mental comment.

Actually the only times I have felt really jealous have been when the man has not put up proper boundaries and let the women cause problems in the relationship. In the 2 relationships I've had with men who didn't do this and had platonic female friends, I didn't have an issue.

Being cheated on has damaged my self esteem, that is true. It has caused feelings of inferiority, yes. But your comment is quite unkind.

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