There is no 'one' just the 'one you choose'...

[bounty999]

I hear this a lot and have been thinking about it a lot recently.

I married a man over 20 years ago, who was in my friendship group in my twenties and after being a bit on/off we got together. It was never a whirlwind romance and I never had 'the one' feeling but even at that age thought that this wasn't the key factor in a marriage and that there were many other positives.

Whether this start is relevant I don't know, but the reality is that as we're now hitting 50 and the kids have grown it is so clear that those differences (attitudes, hobbies, emotional needs etc) are even greater and I wonder how the next part of our lives will pan out. He has many qualities I like and there's rarely conflict. There is still affection but equally long stretches without, that he in particular doesn't notice or mind.

I can't help thinking whether we are both selling ourselves short and could have something else with more compatible partners who make our hearts sing in our later years. Both of us - I'd want it for him as much as I would for me.

But we chose each other and our lives are now so interwoven with family, friends, children. Would it be worth unsettling this on a huge gamble for possibly no better result? Just different patch of grass?

I've attempted to explore this with him, but he hates any relationship based discussion, insists all is well and just closes down. Thoughts welcome !

I agree with the statement. Even if you did find "the one" how do you know that he would have stayed that way? There are so many stories on here of women who were happily married and then grew into different people as they got older and drifted apart. I think there is probably a range of people that each individual person will be broadly compatible with. After that it's down to the individuals and how much effort they put in to maintaining the relationship and connecting with each other throughout the ups and downs and circumstances of life.

I think successful long term relationships are the ones in which the couple has been able to fall in love again and again throughout their relationship/life as they have both grown and changed as individuals.

I think a lot of relationships do come to a natural end. We outgrow relationships. Just because a couple have been together for fifty or so years does not necessarily mean they are happy. What felt right at one stage of your life may not always feel right further on down the line.
I also think that a lot of women in their fifties start looking at life through a different lens. As young girls we are mostly brought up to be people pleasers. We often compromise to keep others happy whilst neglecting our own needs. We sail through life on auto pilot being good girlfriends, good wives, good mothers , good daughters, good employees, until we wake up and think " Is this it, What about me ? "
I listen to a song by Diana Ross called My Turn, and l can resonate with every word.
Obviously there are people who change in similar ways throughout life and manage to keep that spark. But for others the relationship was maybe never meant to last a lifetime and that's ok.

It's a shame he won't talk, because that could lead to greater closeness or understanding

I agree with the sentiment - I think there are plenty of other people I could have been equally content with. No one would fulfill everything, and I don't think it's fair to put that all on one person.

I also think it's about choosing/falling time and again, and that that's not always possible when people after growing apart, people don't grow back together. Whether it's worthwhile is separate then only the people involved can tell.

Esther Perel has a lot of material on this which might be helpful, but I think someone who won't talk about the relationship is harder to grow back together with. I'd feel like it wasn't important if my spouse wasn't willing to talk about our relationship, even when he doesn't feel the same issues I sometimes do.

It could be a lot worse! Just imagine trying to find that feeling (read some of the online dating threads on here). I had the 'talked all night, couldn't stop laughing' when me and dh met and we are very happy and united. I think I am very lucky and I don't think it happens for that many people.

I had the 'talk all night, couldn't stop laughing' with both my ex husbands. Both relationships lasted a decade and were right until they weren't. It's much more complex when young kids are involved and I think then a general 'meh' is not enough reason to break up a family but equally you should not cling on for grim death out of fear of being alone. I actually had a lot of fun OLD but specifically in reply to the op... I'd say the grass isn't usually greener unless the patch you are in is complete scorched earth and full of nettles. A few weeds and an occasional thistle is really OK.

It’s fine to move on. Some relationships serve a purpose, don’t let them hinder living a happy life.

Said as someone who exited a 20 year relationship and has never been happier

You need to toss up how secure you would feel being alone v being in this relationship.

Because finding love again is pretty tricky. I've been alone on and off for 8 years. Completely single mum.
I've just met someone who might be that one, but I've become very cynical over the last 8 years. He's undoubtedly not.

Honestly? If you're unhappy leave. If you just think there could.eb someone more exciting out there... Well I've been single for 10 years (I'm mid 40s). The quality of single men out there is dire. I've not met anyone in the past 10 years I'd be able to have a relationship without making huge compromises I'm just not prepared to make.

Leave if you want but don't do it in the hope you'll meet someone else.

Unless you've actually got someone in mind (no judgement if you have!) I think its a huge gamble. From what I see, finding a partner is not easy. I have friends who've been trying for years without success and are on constant rollercoasters of raised and dashed hopes and insecurity. One eventually settled for a man she compares unfavourably to the H she left, but finds him better than being alone. You may of course be lucky, but tbh, I think the odds are long, and dependent on your personal opportunities, how much you get out and about, the pool of men you have access to and how much you bring to the table yourself (looks, lifestyle etc. Sorry, but it does play a huge part in the pool you can pick from)
If you do leave, do so with the worst case scenario in mind. That is, that you don't meet anyone better, and he does, the door back to your marriage closes, and you're alone. If this sounds better than what you have, then definitely leave. Otherwise I'd think very carefully. Most relationships do not set the world on fire. And even those that do come with other challenges.