How to boyfriend/partner I want to see him less

[Yourteaisgettingcold]

I cant believe I'm even having to ask this at the ripe old age of 33 but I just don't know how to tell my boyfriend of a year I want to see him less without hurting his feelings (although to an extent my feelings are already hurt). My previous relationship before this was very long term so I don't have much experience of being the one to say things aren't really working out.

Long story short- where I live is very close to a train station so boyfriend drives from his house to mine in the morning, parks, goes to the station for work. On the way home from work he then comes into mine on the way back for dinner (which I cook most days) and either stays at mine or goes back to his to repeat the next day.

I've already told him once that I feel like he's with me out of convenience, as I don't really see what I get out this arrangement,1 and he was really hurt and offended. Nothing has really changed other other him suggesting we go for dinner shortly after that argument/discussion.

I love him but I'm so fed up. I think saying to him to not come to mine during the week would help the situation and also give me time and a bit of space to think but I just can't think of a way to approach and then have the conversation without hurting him. Im not great at communicating at the best of times and hate confrontation.

Help!!

Break the cycle by being out 3 ish times a week at the time he returns for a few weeks?

Be less available?
Start doing something one or two evenings a week that take you out of the house?
Say - as nicely as you want - that you want to have the place to yourself on (pick a day) and you'll see him the following day?

My issue with being less available is that I have a young child from a previous relationship who really needs to be in bed by a certain time (before he would get to mine after work) though I have thought about trying to not be in as much.

I had a friend over one night this week and he did just pop in to say hello and then leave so I could try to do that more but my friends all have their own things going on so its difficult to get people to come round that often.

If you are incapable of communicating effectively, the relationship is doomed anyway. Perhaps you should just end it.

He doesn't respect your boundaries and takes you for granted. You can end this relationship, you get nothing out of it.

But then that's saying I should never be in any relationship. I want to communicate but I want to do it in a way that won't hurt his feelings so am asking for advice.

Takenoprisoner - I know and, sadly, I think that's where it's headed. He just seems so clueless that it's very one sided even though I've brought it to his attention before and he was upset I felt that way.

Be simple and direct- "I want time to myself during the week, and don't like you staying over every night. I'm not ready for this level of involvement, I'm not trying to hurt you,but being honest about how I feel"
Or just end things with him, which is what I sense I'm reading between the lines.

Joystir59 - I like your way of wording it, thank you. I feel like the relationship may be coming to an end but with him here all the time and me feeling like he's reliant on me is preventing me from getting my head straight and properly thinking about things as he does have many good qualities but the bad are right there at the moment.

He wants you to prioritise his needs.

I think maybe your mistake last time was "blaming" him by accusing him of using you as a convenience. That may be somewhat true btw, but if he doesn't perceive it to be true, that's why he got hurt and defensive.

Next time you have the conversation, try using "I" rather than "you". So things like "this isn't really working for me" or "I would like some free evenings" or "I feel it's a bit early in the relationship to see each other so often" or "it would suit me better if we saw each other a couple of times a week rather than every night". Then he can't argue and say you're wrong, because you're stating a preference so how can you be wrong? Accept that you may need to be assertive and repeat some of these phrases a few times over.

If he still doesn't get the message, this one may not be a keeper if he isn't prepared to listen to you and respect you.

@Yourteaisgettingcold

But then that's saying I should never be in any relationship. I want to communicate but I want to do it in a way that won't hurt his feelings so am asking for advice.

Here's the thing... You aren't responsible for his feelings or for how he'll react to a request you make. You can say something in the most gentle way humanly possible and his feelings might still get hurt. It's simply out of your control, but that does not mean you sit back and continue to say nothing because you're afraid of his reaction. The current state of affairs isn't working for you, and left unresolved, it is only going to breed more and more resentment. You must address this problem.

Cross post with other posts!

Your job is to prioritise your own needs. That's your right, it's ok and it's what you owe to yourself. Even at the risk of offending him.

He's an entitled selfish man. He has it easy with you. If he was genuine, things would have changed after the last time you spoke to him.

At the very least, ask him to order takeaway on the nights he comes round. Bet you won't see him for dust. Problem solved.

Several things spring to mind.....

start charging him for parking his car
ask him to bring dinner with him - eg meat, 2 veg, pudding and a bottle of wine
eat dinner before he turns up and don't mention it
order a take away for him to collect & pay for on his way from station
All of which are just playing games.

Be really clear with him - you need evenings to yourself to re-charge your batteries after work and caring for your child. You also need to watch him staying so frequently doesn't threaten your single adult community charge discount. Take a deep breath and tell him

Sometimes there are circumstances where other people won't be happy with what we need. Doesn't mean you have to be a doormat indefinitely to avoid ever making someone else a little bit unhappy. Especially if you've been feeding them most nights for however long!

The best way is the simplest. No games,no excuses. Just " I don't want you coming here or staying over during the week".

You need time to yourself and time with your child.
Asserting your own needs is fine. If he says anything other than 'that's fine, see you later in the week' then you might have to think hard on if this is the relationship you want.
It's fair to say this is more full on than you're looking for. If he wants more, maybe you need to split?

Is it one way because you can't go to his in the week so naturally evolved that way.
Be straight. Just say I find you coming every night a bit too much, I need my down time . Come for tea on a Wednesday or once a week and then we can see each other over the weekend. I love you and your company is great but I also like my time. Can we compromise?
Be firm and to the point.

If you're after excuses then you could Tell him the neighbours have asked if he's moved in and you're worried about council tax etc. So can he please park at the station 3 out of 5 days.

But you would be much better telling the truth in the long run. His reaction will tell you what you need to know about the relationship overall.

I definitely don't want to play games which is why I feel I need to communicate my feelings to him in a firm but fair way.

My son is with his dad this weekend so I've made sure I'm very busy to break the cycle and I'm planning to speak to my boyfriend Sunday or Monday.

The thing is, if I asked him to buy or bring dinner he probably would but he's also a disorganised person who needs reminding all the time so I'd end up eating at about 9pm because he would have to buy it after he's got back from work.

I know I've painted him in a bad light but he really is just so clueless sometimes that I really don't think he means to be so selfish. I also know my feelings matter so I shouldn't put up with it.

I definitely think "I want time to myself during the week, and don't like you staying over every night. I'm not ready for this level of involvement, I'm not trying to hurt you,but being honest about how I feel" is the best thing I could say so I'm going to practice saying it over and over in my head.

You're a single mum looking after a household, a child and working, all on your own. Where's the effort from him, the treating and spoiling? Isn't that what a relationship is for?

At least take a break from him, tell him you need a week's break so you can think about the future of this relationship.

"Is it one way because you can't go to his in the week so naturally evolved that way"

10000% this. That's how it started as well as me being near the station. Whenever I don't have my son and I don't have plans I make the point to go to his but that's so infrequently.

just seems so clueless that it's very one sided even though I've brought it to his attention before

Does he hold down a job where he is given instructions? If so then he hears you but is choosing to ignore you.

A year in, this feels too convenient, especially with the train station. What did he do before he could park at yours? If he paid for parking consider how much this is saving him. If he's not clueless, what else could his motivation be?