Long distance when to cohabit

[Happygolucky444]

Hi all, I've been with my partner 2 years. We are both divorced and both have children from our marriages (mine live with me and his with his ex wife). As we live almost 2 hrs away from eachother, we only meet once a week currently (weekends together when we don't have our respective children and overnight the other week).

I really want to move in together but this seems impossible for now as it would mean either me relocating my kids and moving their schools or him moving 2hrs away from his. His kids are older, youngest is 14 so sensible thing would be to wait 3 or 4 years until they are adults but that's such a long time away. I want to progress the relationship and wondered what other couples have done in similar scenarios? I should add my kids and ex husband really like my partner so no issues there.

Whatever you do, do not disrupt your children's lives for your relationship. I've heard far too many tales of a woman doing this because she didn't think it was fair to disrupt 'his' life and then lived to bitterly regret it.

I personally don't understand the need to live with someone and I certainly wouldn't have put my children in a position of having to live with someone else but I know not everyone agrees with that. I'd stay as you are until his children are older. Mine would be devastated if their dad moved 2 hours away.

Because ultimately we want to get married and potentially have a child together.

There may be no issues now but that's because you're not cohabiting. I personally wouldn't pursue a relationship with someone with children who lives 2 hours away because of this eventuality. If he moves away from his kids that's not a good man. I think you have to do the sensible thing here.

What does your DP say? Do they want to move in with you either now or in the future? 2 hrs away equates to a lot of mileage/distance. Yrs ago i moved a mere 1 hr away from all my friends and family, for a more village life for me and my DC but , it may well have been a whole universe away as friendships and relationships faded due to unwillingness to travel on their part. I got tired of always being the one to make all the effort and do all the travelling. This has led me to feel isolated where i am at times, in terms of people as , the village is quite cliquey and i have no support network or real friends here. I will be moving away in a few yrs but I am effectively single (just casually dating) and have that freedom to do that for myself , once youngest finished A levels. I need to consider no other and make it clear from the start to anyone i meet.

You need to spk to yr DP, they themselves may not want to ever leave where they are now and knowing what i know now, i would not blame them or you for staying put where you are. Also, even in 3 or 4 yrs time they may still want to be near their children, the youngest of whom , will still only be 18 at that time and maybe looking at tertiary/uni learning or even moving in with yr DP for a while, who knows .

How old are your DC? If young, has your DP ever said they would want to move in with you and a younger children dynamic even when theirs are grown? It is a big ask of someone.

With kindness, personally , i would not uproot my children and as a parent of 2 now almost grown DC, nor would i want to start again with a partners younger children. I also would not want to live somewhere that ordinarily i would not personally single out or chose to live ( if partner were not living there ) or share finances again.

I think you need to understand what your partner is thinking. Personally , i would not uproot myself or my children for another person for what is effectively a long distance, child free days only, relationship, albeit a 2 yr one. There is also both of your work and careers to think of. How would the others be affected if they relocated?

You need to spk to yr DP as this may not be what they want and as you have no so far ever lived together for any period of time i would not suggest you move anywhere. If their longer term idea /view of this relationship does not match yours, you may need to move on, if you are looking to a move in /long term retire together type partnership .

"Because ultimately we want to get married and potentially have a child together".

"Potentially" is a word used when no full commitment or fully made up mind is there and used generally to buy time/defer. "Ultimately" is another word used when talking a long game and idealistically. I personally would "ultimately " like a long term relationship, but only when my kids have left home, i have moved to where i want to be and my possible new partners kids are also grown up and there are no kids involved , we retain own homes and financial independence. I "potentially" like the idea of that. . "Ultimately", will that happen? Who knows!

Where are all the ifs and buts coming from in the relationship Op? Perhaps yr DP may well want to marry you in the future but is it once all the children are grown up? They may not want to start again so soon, with ( your? ) existing young DC and then again with sleepless nights/nappies with a "potential" baby.

He lives 2 hrs away, you see him when both childfree, you have no real sense of who he really is. You have never lived together. You have been together 2 yrs but how many real days/hrs have you actually spent together? 100 real time days in each others company? That is 3 months. I would not be going anywhere with my kids after 100 days, less planning ultimate marriage and a potential baby.

You both have lives and children 2 hrs apart. Potentially and ultimately are not grounds upon which you should make a decision that will affect both you and yr children's lives.

You are asking how others achieved this, no one has yet replied with a holy grail of , this is what i did to manufacture what i wanted/you want, as it does not happen. You are being advised to stay put with your children. Very sound advice indeed.

I agree with the others, there is no way I'd uproot my kids to move 2 hours away. It's different when they have grown up.

Do not uproot your kids for some man you barely know.
Keep things as they are for now.
Once his kids are 18 he could move to be with you but not the other way round.
You need your security and stability in the home you have created for you and your children. Do not give that up for any man.

I moved in with someone I was in a LDR with for 18 months. It was a complete disaster. He just wasn't the person I thought he was. Complete lazy, cocklodging slob who decided he wasn't going to work any more. I had absolutely NO idea he was like that.
They can behave themselves in a LDR but day-to-day things can be very different. I had no children to consider so it's even more important that you take heed and don't make a decision which could turn out to be disastrous.