How do I stop resenting my husband

[TimeToLose8]

I probably really need the help of a counsellor to sort this one out, but I'll try here first

We (my husband and I) are halfway through year 6 of a (supposedly 2 year) barn renovation. My husband is very talented, skilled and has done everything - new roof, floors, walls, handmade kitchen, he's making the remaining window frames this week. The house will be fabulous eventually. I tend to be the labourer - I can point stone walls and decorate, and move things around. I am very proud of what he has done - so far.

And here's the rub - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it isn't getting as close as I like. I think he is losing the motivation he once had - he is slowing down, but that may just be an age thing.

We did the first 4 years working full time, 9-5 Monday to Friday, but last year we went half time, working mornings as it is so tiring. And we aren't getting any younger! I'm 65 and he is 59. He spends the afternoons on his hobby and I on mine, although mine seem to be helping our life, like cooking and gardening, while his is flying model planes (flying, making, reading about, watching videos of etc etc).

My problem is that I am starting to resent any time he isn't working flat out on the house. I don't resent his hobby (well not much anyway), but if he takes any sort of break in the morning, I get a little angry. This is souring our relationship.

He sees the renovation as something we do as a retirement activity. I see it as a means to an end - I just want it done! I am fed up of living with sheets over secondhand sofas in a room full of tools.

We cannot afford to get 'experts' in, the budget stretches to the renovation done by us and no-one else.

So how do I get a different mid-set? Can I? Am I too old to change? How do I pushback on these waves of resentment? They aren't doing me any good, and definitely aren't doing our marriage any good either.

I dont know how, but youre going to have to arent you, as youve both been working hard and its taking longer than expected. He is entitled to take down time to play with his planes. You arent on a time schedule and you are doing the work yourselves so its important that you are both allowed to go at your own pace. I get that its frustrating, but it sounds like youve already achieved a huge amount and this was no small project. Your husband wants this as much as you, but he isnt your staff. He can take breaks, just like you could.

When I was married we took on a project, not a barn but a three bed house and it’s was endless work. Once one thing was done another needed doing. Just endless.

I can see why you want it completed. You want to be able to finally sit on that sofa, with a good cuppa and admire the work you two have put in. It sounds like you are not far off completing?

It sounds like DH has put a lot of work into it already, what do you think has stalled your husband’s going further? Is it due to summertime maybe? Him feeling a tad lost at where to go next? Overwhelmed?

A house build can really take it out on you and with your frustrations growing you may end up in a place neither want to find yourselves in so are you able to tackle things with gratitude or mindfulness? Sounds like you already admire his work so perhaps take a step back and allow DH to tackle the project without the pressure and excitement this brings as he will then be able to feel more enthusiastic about this and get going again?

Are you able to make a list of the things that are left to do and then go from there?

You need to rationalise it, you choose to take this project on, you knew it would be difficult. Your husband has worked unbelievably hard, do you really resent him some downtime ? After all why do nt you learn how to do the work

Would it help to evaluate where ye are at, make a list of what’s left to do and assess what is reasonable. Maybe standards need to drop a little in some areas to allow the project to be completed - can things be bought rather than made by hand?

It sounds like you need to touch base with each other, and try and understand each other. You were perhaps expecting a house you could relax in and enjoy life, 3 years ago, whereas for him maybe it’s another hobby that can stretch on indefinitely because the pleasure for him is in the building and is current whereas for you it’s deferred.

Time is ticking on, and while some lucky people are sprightly in their 90s, most are not and there can be a significant difference between being 60 and 70. It doesn’t sound like you signed up to spend your 60s as a labourer so I don’t think yabu for wanting a completion date.

It’s not good to let resentment fester. You need to communicate, so at least you’re both clear where you stand with each other. I’ve often found it easier to talk out tricky issues with dh walking side by side rather than face to face.

Thanks you all for your responses.

Yes, he has worked so hard, actually we both have. I know I shouldn't resent him, it's how to stop doing it. I have been thinking a lot this afternoon (he was out flying - it is good we do have this time apart).

We have a spreadsheet I haven't looked at for some time, because as I cross something off, I find other things to replace them. I have just looked at it, and checked some off - instead of 100 jobs there are now 92.

As for learning to do stuff myself, well, as I said, we each play to our strengths and he wouldn't appreciate me trying to fabricate the wooden window frames - I can help him plane the wood, then paint the frames, but he has the skill and I dont.

I think communication is a very good idea, it's just that we are both useless at it! Perhaps a holiday together soon may be the answer.

A holiday sounds ideal a good idea.

But also re evaluate your hobbies. Do you do these things because you enjoy them. Or because you think your hobby time should also be productive?

If its the first and genuinely enjoy them, then it's not really fair to resent his hobby because you like cooking and gardening. I love gardening. But I don't see it as something I do for both me and dp. It's something I do for me. Dp may enjoy sitting the garden, but that's not really the point. The point is I do it for me.

If you do these things because you feel it needs to be productive then look at taking up a hobby, that isn't productive that's just for you to enjoy, for the sake of enjoying it.

I would speak to him and tell him you are starting to feel bothered by how long this is taking and need for it to be finished and make a plan together. Tell him you understand he doesn't feel there should be a time limit on it, but you now feel you need one.

Even by, temporarily reducing your hobby time to every other day, should help get the job done quicker.

So the renovations have taken three times longer than planned, the house is just over 50% complete (?), you are now mid 60s and your partner is 59, your partner has lost some interest and now considers finishing the project as a hobby to see out his retirement whereas you want a finished home to live in

Time to talk things through with your partner OP. He is possibly struggling with the scale of the project and level of physical work required, and wants to enjoy himself a bit more.

There are some options.

Can you get a later life mortgage and buy in some help to finish it off sooner? Could you do B&B to pay the mortgage?

If your partner is reluctant, can you set up a timetable for the remaining works (remember to multiply every time estimate by three because that’s your experience to date) and try to convince him the project will drag ion well into your sixties at its current rate of progress? At this stage in life you are unlikely to be fit enough to finish it.

If there’s no room to compromise can get it valued, sell as is and move on to somewhere requiring no major works.

No advice here, but wanted to emphasise with you.
I’m in the same boat, but I count my blessings that my DH works very hard every day despite being very tired (He’d also 59).
But after 6 years and being relatively close to finishing I’ve absolutely had enough of living on a building site.
I honestly don’t know what I would do if he lost interest.

Thank you all for your positive responses.

@Katedanielshasakitty - I agree, I have been thinking of other hobbies. I have friends I could have time out with, I should just get my * into gear and do something. Perhaps growing our own vegetables is really a thankless task, or one I might just say (after this year) I will do once the house is finished.

@Dfdsdfds Unfortunately, selling or even getting a loan on it is not an option, sometime I wish it were, but then, as I have said before, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. The investment in the house far exceeds its value.

@OhDearMuriel Good luck with getting to the end of your project. Then the maintenance starts!

I did have a chat with my husband, and he sees the project as 'if it has moved on at the end of every (working) day, then that is all that matters. ' So no real progress there.

I really do have to change my outlook, because I am not changing his.

As I'm tired of spending my time in what looks like a building site, today I have spent a fair bit of it moving tools and bits out of the main room. My husband was a bit perplexed (after all it is Saturday!), and I did rather tearfully, I am afraid, say I was not going to live in more of a building site than I have to, and all tools and materials will be put away/out of site at the end of the day.

I will plan more days out on my own/with friends, or take the dog with me. Our plans of spending the retirement exploring our new country seems to have gone awry. Time to ressurect it. And if I am doing more appealing things in the afternoon, he will probably join me! As we live in SW France, I think the vinyards will be calling me.