I wish I had girlfriends who ...

[Notradespeopleareavailable]

For some reason, though I have friends, I don't have a circle or bunch of women 'mates' that I regularly do things with, eg go for walks, go shopping, go ... anywhere. I don't usually mind but I would love it, if just for once on my birthday, a girlfriend would off her own back/bat organise something for me and corral others to be there.

I'm thinking of a meal out, afternoon tea, just something - anything! If I don't take the initiative to organise something myself, my birthday always just consists of me and my husband (and cat).

Why is it that some women seem naturally to have girlfriend who actively want to do activities with them (eg I know a small group of women who always organise something for each other's birthdays and go out on excursions etc) and others, like me, just don't?

Any constructive advice is really welcome here.

I have a few friends like that, but I have invested a lot into my friendships over the years. Do you make an effort to do these things for your friends, do you arrange and invite them to things? Don't wait for someone to make the effort, start arranging stuff and see if it gets reciprocated. These friendships don't really evolve naturally. My sister is always moaning that her friends are crap and that I'm lucky to have such close friendships but I've been friends with my girls for years and have put a lot into it, as have they.

No advice but definitely in the same boat. Much support!

Coming up to a big birthday & even getting a cake organised by DH is going tits up.

I do have friends who have "their girls" but never been included & now after a couple of house moves, my friends are pretty much online only.

I'm ND too & I think the research is that's its quite common to struggle a bit with social stuff.

Hi Wombat, what is ND please?

I haven't had a group/bunch of girlfriends since my early 30s - so 20+ years ago. I came to realise that no one really likes everyone else within a group. There's always a giver (does all the organising), the Queen bee, a taker, an outsider, a bitch etc etc. It was more effort and politics than it was worth. I realised it was about virtual signally and social status rather than genuine friendship.

In that small group you're looking so longingly at, I'll bet it's one member who initiates ALL the birthdays etc and is totally fucked off with it. There'll be gossiping behind each others' backs. There'll be the clingy insecure one who gets paranoid if anyone in the group meet up without them. There's the one who is only there because of friendship history. Etc etc.

God I'm cynical! Lol.

I now have friends - some of whom know each other, some don't. Sometimes I'll meet up with a couple of them together, but there's no pressure to always meet together.

Some people prefer friendship groups, some don't. I'm the latter.

And I much prefer organising my own birthday so I get to decide what I do and with whom!

I have several long term good friends but we don't automatically include each other in birthday celebrations as we all have husbands and families. If I want to see my friends on or around my birthday, I invite them and vice versa. I wouldn't expect any of them to organise something for me.

Same OP.

I think it's easy to look at other people's friendship groups and pick out the good things, without necessarily seeing the downside. That big group of 'girls' will undoubtedly come with splinter groups, gossip, insecurities and tiresome obligations and expectations alongside the shopping and nights out. While the quieter one on one situations often bring greater depth, loyalty and support. Practically though, can you not suggest something with the friends you have? Maybe not as good as them arranging it, but you might get to do the fun thing at least.

I'm 46. For the last ten years or so, I haven't had a group of friends. I have lots of friends, but they don't blend with each other! They have nothing in common, or are at different points in their lives, or have differing political views... The list goes on. But they're my friends and I see them individually.

@Notradespeopleareavailable

Hi Wombat, what is ND please?

Neuro diverse, I think.

@elQuintoConyo

I'm 46. For the last ten years or so, I haven't had a group of friends. I have lots of friends, but they don't blend with each other! They have nothing in common, or are at different points in their lives, or have differing political views... The list goes on. But they're my friends and I see them individually.

Same. I much prefer to see friends individually or in pairs than in a large group.

I think you do have to organise birthdays yourself tbh. But that's all right, you can organise what you want then.

So you have friends, but you are the one that usually organises things? That's not too bad OP. Don't lose sight of what you have. OK yes a birthday meal organised by friends would be amazing, but surely second best is a birthday meal organised by you and attended by friends.

In fact they are the same really, only difference is the second one actually occurs in real life.

They might think you'll be spending it with your dh and family and if want them you'll ask. You know what you likeand upto you to choose what to do. I don't see many aduts organising each others birthdays. Is this a thing!?!

lik3 and adults

I don't have friendship groups like that either. Sometimes I think it would be nice, but mostly I'm quite happy seeing one friend at a time. I don't enjoy parties though, although I can 'perform' as I was trained to as a child. Most of my friends don't know each other.

Well, have you told your friends you would really like this? They’re not psychic, after all. I have a lot of friends and it would never occur to me to organise a birthday thing for them, whether they were male or female, single or coupled up. I assume if they wanted to do something, they’d set it up and issue invitations.

I know it’s not for everyone but I met my main girls group from the Meet Up app. I’d just moved to a new city and didn’t know anyone so found a couple of groups of girls on there who used to organise social events like evenings out, meals, book clubs etc.

After about 6 months or so, myself and a few others from one of the groups who used to show up to most things broke away and just became a friendship group, not going to the organised meet ups anymore. I’d definitely recommend checking it out and remember everyone is in the same boat, there to make friends so no need to be embarrassed.

I'm the same OP. DH and my sister both have a close group of friends that all do things together, arrange things for one another, go away on holiday etc.

I do have friends, and some truly lovely ones, but they are all spread out and I know them from lots of different places, a handful from school, uni, work, NCT, nursery mums etc. They don't know one another and everyone lives all over the place, and most of them seem to have a close circle of proper friends. I'd love to go away for the weekend with a group of friends but I don't have one! I'm late 30s now so doubt I'll ever make one.

I just try to focus on the lovely people I know and nurture the friendships I have and not dwell on what I wish it was like.

@OpenTheBloodyWindow

I'm the same OP. DH and my sister both have a close group of friends that all do things together, arrange things for one another, go away on holiday etc.

I do have friends, and some truly lovely ones, but they are all spread out and I know them from lots of different places, a handful from school, uni, work, NCT, nursery mums etc. They don't know one another and everyone lives all over the place, and most of them seem to have a close circle of proper friends. I'd love to go away for the weekend with a group of friends but I don't have one! I'm late 30s now so doubt I'll ever make one.

I just try to focus on the lovely people I know and nurture the friendships I have and not dwell on what I wish it was like.

Yes I feel this is what my social circle is like.

Interesting point re DH though. Mine said for years he was asked and invited to join men's groups for all kinds of activities but he declined as he said having a regular set of blokes to hang out with (eg always go to the pub on Friday nights) was just not his bag at all!

My DH's ex was a real girlfriends group person (aka the complete opposite to me). She was always doing things such as all-girl weekends abroad etc. DH said it was a bit tiresome in that there were always her mates at their home, smoking and / or sobbing their hearts out re their love life. My DH does like his own space, company and is very sociable but he likes to pick and choose.

Not sure, but I'm the same. I have friends who I make the effort with, keep in touch with etc, and although they'd probably come along if I invited them somewhere, they wouldn't organise anything for my birthday (even though I've known them organise things for each other)

I'm not sure what the answer is, as I definitely make the effort with them.

Yes my DH is definitely an introvert and is happiest at home with me and the children. His group of friends is from primary school(!) and is rock solid. They have a WhatsApp group for daily chit chat about life, go camping 2/3 times a year, and for a big birthday would arrange a joint gift. That's it and that suits them perfectly. I think that's the ideal really! Very jealous.

My sister's friendship group is all drama, tears, backstabbing and bitching I think they love one another deep down but it can be hard work.

@hellcatspangle

Not sure, but I'm the same. I have friends who I make the effort with, keep in touch with etc, and although they'd probably come along if I invited them somewhere, they wouldn't organise anything for my birthday (even though I've known them organise things for each other)

I'm not sure what the answer is, as I definitely make the effort with them.

Yes that kind of sounds like me, too!