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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Where to go from here, will I ever get my friend back?

11 replies

WantToRepairThis · 29/07/2021 03:56

Even the edited version of this will be long so apologies in advance.
I had a "best friend". She meant the world to me although we never really did the "soppy" thing, in my eyes she was the sister I never had, I never told her that of course, we were more the sort of friends that would just mercilessly rip it out of each other. She just "got" me, noone else has ever really come close.
I found myself in an abusive relationship and after 4 years of it I guess she had enough. He made it impossible for me to talk to her, listening in on our conversations, looking through my phone, making noise in the background if I called her. I tried to call her on the odd occasion he wasn't with me but she worked shifts and couldn't always answer. He had caused her so much grief, he already had her number as we were all mutual friends (I met him through her). He would phone her and drag her into our arguments as he did with my poorly mum. I begged him not to but he never listened. She cut me out of her life after an incident when i'd been seen with him after we had split up. Looking back now I can see he had manipulated me yet again, but at the time he'd turned up at my house distraught after some bad news (which was true for once, but he still used it to his advantage). I tried to explain to her but she wouldn't take my calls, I had a very old phone that froze if I tried to send long messages, I must have written over ten letters that I never sent for fear of rejection.
Add to this another mutual acquaintance of ours (who has form for gossiping and shit stirring) told her i'd been badmouthing her when I hadn't. She didn't believe me, I guess by then she thought I had changed and couldn't trust me anymore.
We did briefly speak again for a few months after no contact for years until something fairly minor came up and she cut me off again, I felt she'd overreacted but if the trust was already gone maybe I can understand it. I left it though, it just hurt too much.
Nothing more until about a month ago when she requested me on fb. Here's where i'm confused. I messaged her and thanked her for the add, said it was a nice surprise. She read it and didn't reply. I thought "ok, she doesn't want to make it a big deal". I suppose I just expected a few likes here and there on posts and maybe we'd get chatting again. Nope, nothing, since then, she hasn't contacted me, commented on, liked a single post. She isn't one for drama so I dont want to push it but i'm wondering does she even want to be friends, or has the shit stirring started up again and she's only added me to see if i'm writing bitchy comments (which I never have and never would). I honestly dont know what she wants but if there's a chance we could repair our friendship I dont want to bugger it up by being too full on. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 29/07/2021 04:38

She sounds like me. Added you when drunk and sentimental but avoidant when sober.

UnsuitableHat · 29/07/2021 04:50

Sorry to hear you’ve been through all this. From what you’ve put she doesn’t sound like much of a friend anymore and you stand to get hurt by her if you try to get close again. I’d suggest keeping her at arm’s length and trying to detach emotionally. Easier said than done I know, when someone has meant a lot to you.

Suzi888 · 29/07/2021 04:51

Are you sure it’s her and not a fake profile?
Send her a letter, you’ve nothing to lose. However, I think you may need to accept that the friendship is sadly over.

WantToRepairThis · 29/07/2021 04:59

Thanks for replies. She doesn't drink so it isn't that. It isn't her fault, i'm not slating her at all, I was hurt by her giving up on me but I understand it was impacting her life and a person can only take so much. Yes, it is her for certain. (Sorry, I dont know how to reply to a particular poster).

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 29/07/2021 07:00

Looks like she wants contact but at a distance. Are you still in that relationship. If so, she probably doesn’t want to get involved again. You say you wrote letters, but never sent them. Perhaps do one now, or an email, saying how nice it would be if we could meet for a coffee/drink sometime.

WantToRepairThis · 30/07/2021 03:40

I'm not still in that relationship no, it's been a few years now, she does know that. I actually dont have an email address for her and a letter does seem dramatic which is why I never sent them. She isn't one for showing her feelings, it might embarrass her or even just make her angry bringing it all back up. Unfortunately i've no way of proving I didn't badmouth her either, it's just my word against someone elses. Maybe she's just treading carefully with me but if this was an olive branch I wonder why she didn't respond to my message? It doesn't make sense. It's got to work both ways and I can't apologise any more than I did for something that actually wasn't my fault. My relationship made me very ill mentally and i've not had any kind of counselling since it ended, i've been on the waiting list for years. I've come pretty far just with understanding from a handful of people who didn't give up on me but I still have nightmares most nights and I feel that it wouldn't take much to send me spiralling back down, there's certain things that trigger me (I hate that expression but cant think of another one) and another rejection from her I don't think i'd handle very well.

OP posts:
userrname · 30/07/2021 05:53

As you said, if it was an olive branch, she would’ve replied to your message. I wouldn’t pursue it any further - for your own sake.

Friends come and go and are there at different stages for life for different reasons. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever be friends again.

NeedNewKnees · 30/07/2021 06:02

Leave it alone. FB friends is minimal contact, and it sounds like that’s all she’s up for right now. I doubt you’ll ever get back what you used to have, but over time maybe that will change.

She’d been through a lot with you only to see you repeat that pattern of returning to your abuser, and eventually she hit her limit. Respect her boundaries. If and when she wants more of a friendship, she’s now got a means of reaching out.

glitterelf · 30/07/2021 06:14

Have you ever said to her that she gave up on you ? I know that's the way it seems to you but in her shoes it would've been evident that the friendship was causing issues and no doubt repercussions for you.
I'm currently in your friends situation one is my sister I've laid all my cards on the table and told her my thoughts and feelings and stepped back although she knows I will always be here but right now I cannot be close to her whilst she's with her partner and is subject to abuse.
The other situation is a very dear friend who through years of abuse I've been there I've picked her up off the floor multiple times and supported her in her worse hours after trying to take her own life. Now though I'm ghosted whenever the on/off ex is on the scene but called upon to pick up the pieces. It's heartbreaking to see anyone you love and care for be subjected to any form of abuse it's also draining and impacts family and friends lives and relationships. I would follow the other posters advice and write your letter but don't blame her for your friendship breaking down that's down to your ex. You need to give her time and accept it if she doesn't want to get too close. Good luck

WantToRepairThis · 30/07/2021 06:42

I've never blamed her glitterelf, not sure how i've given that impression? I know exactly who was to blame for it, and I know what its like to be on the other side too so I do understand how frustrating it is to see someone you care about being treated badly and seeming to not listen to you but when you're the one in that situation sometimes you ARE actually listening, and you are making plans to leave, you just can't tell that person because you're being watched 24/7 and if they get one sniff you're about to end it the abuse just ramps right up. Anyhow, I think I will just leave it alone and hope for the best. I cant do much more than that really. Thanks all for advice.

OP posts:
glitterelf · 30/07/2021 06:50

It's when you say she's given up on you that gives that impression I'm sure my sister feels that way about me but the truth is by me stepping back it's one less thing for him to take out on her. I wouldn't just give up it's clear you've got things you want to tell her and by doing so the balls in her court.

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