Hi all, I've been dragged into kind of a drama this year & would like some insight. I apologise in advance because this will be long read & I hope I don’t sound too bitter because life is getting better every day.
My fiance left me unexpectedly & it's recently been implied steroid usage may be the root cause. I'm just not sure as it’s all got so crazy. Has anyone had an experience with this who can offer insight?
We were due to be married & he wanted to get in shape for the day. I didn’t think he needed to as he went to the gym most evenings to keep in shape but I supported him by learning some diet recipes & investing in some pre prepared meals.
He had told me he & his best friend used to take steroids, so I was aware he had history. We talked about everything very openly (I thought) & I was privy to a lot of information about him & his friends etc, so I trusted him & thought he trusted me.
However, it’s been alleged that his best friend has got into them again. He’d become obsessed with his physique, had begun acting like a dog on heat with other women & had started teasing my fiancé about his figure. His wife expressed concern to me that they may both start doing steroids again but it appears he’d already started.
As time went on, we spent more time with them as a couple & I noticed my fiancé also becoming increasingly “thirsty" (is that the modern word for being a bit cringe around women who just weren’t interested) but only subtly (like checking his thinning hair or making comments about them being good looking: this never bothered me, as I am comfortable in my own skin & often compliment other women).
I want to make clear, because the following will make him sound awful: for 7 years my partner was a lovely decent man. His kindness made him really handsome to me. We were engaged & he was so excited about it (or seemed it); he told everyone we met. My brother had had a messy divorce, so I checked in all the time to ensure my he definitely wanted to be married - so he had ample opportunities to raise any issues in the relationship- but he was always so clear about how lucky he felt & how much he loved our life together.
I basically let him do what he wanted; he liked to play computer games, so I'd leave him to it. I’d often hear him talking excitedly about me to colleagues or friends on his headset & I genuinely believed he loved me. He seemed so excited about our future, he had big plans for the house & garden & showed no signs of doubt. He appeared to love being home with me, always rushing into my office room when he got a break for a cuddle (or a grope), always pestering me to spend time with me. He had even devised a little secret “love you” code where he squeezed my arm 3 times to signify he was thinking it when we were in public. Given how affectionate & clingy he’d been, I didn’t expect to be cut out his life so abruptly.
He'd been having problems at work, so when he started being moody & snappy, I put it down to work stress. We also had a lot going on; I was struggling with a suicidal friend whilst working & doing a course, we had a leak that collapsed our ceiling, which lead to an asbestos discovery & caused our living room to have to be torn down and his Dad discovered he needed heart surgery. I also got the impression he was finding sharing my attention (as covid restrictions eased) difficult as he started getting irritated when I’d visit friends or family. He often insisted on picking me up so he knew I’d be home.
My friends & family noticed he'd become a bit more controlling & rude & they expressed concerns, as it seemed to be escalating (he'd ring all the time when I wasn't with him, sometimes to chat but more often to scream & yell at me as time went on & he’d do it in front of other people too). However, as I started spending more time with his best friends wife, if I missed his call he'd started ringing & messaging her too. He also suddenly decided he wanted children, which I agreed to (because before I saw his true colours, I thought he’d be a good Dad). I have some gynae issues, which led me to believe I may have trouble conceiving to add to the stress but I recently discovered all is in working order.
Anyway, from all that, I am trying to explain why I didn’t immediately think “he’s on steroids” as there are a lot of other factors that could dispel the rumour (which has come from a bloke who was sliding into my DMs, so may be rubbish).
The first thing I was aware of is he was shouting & crashing about a lot in his office (like a toddler tantrum TBH) & eventually it blew up one day and he quit his job, then smashed up a frying pan & eggs in the kitchen. In the 7 years I’d known him he’d never done anything like that. I supported his decision to quit, however, he went back to work the next day. After that, he was increasingly more negative towards me & moody but it always coincided with work.
The weeks before our relationship ended, he had started smashing things up when he felt they didn’t work (meaning refunds were impossible). He crushed up an incorrect fan his work sent him in front of my face whilst swearing about it....as though it was my fault. Him taking out his bad moods on me wasn’t new – he always admitted when things went wrong he’d lash out at me- but it was only ever really him sulking or snapping at me & he'd apologise (I'd accept as nobody is perfect & understood). He was always a gentle, sensitive man prior. I told him he needed to take time off & get help but he wouldn’t.
We were regularly intimate but he’d got increasingly more aggressive in that department recently, to the point I was a bit scared at one point. I blamed myself as I’d joked about it & felt maybe he’d just got carried away, however, I’ve also since read a number of girls whose partners have taken steroids experiencing this.
Things went downhill after a group trip with his best friend (the one apparently on steroids), his wife & my best friend. His friend made advances on another woman right in front of his wife’s face. I encouraged my partner to be the shoulder she needed to cry on & was proud of him for being such a good friend (the idiot I am). She is very flirty with boys & was having a rough time, so I didn’t worry about her intentions. There had been a number of incidents where he wasn’t her greatest supporter, so I honestly didn’t worry.
After the holiday, I did ask him if I should be concerned, as he’d been attentive to her but he’d been distant from me. He said- reasonably- it was just because I had my friend there & she was upset. I asked if he was still happy with the prospect of marriage etc & he reassured me emphatically he was. He said he’d make more effort to be attentive to me so I didn’t worry but I told him I didn’t need that as I was happy.
2 days later he was refused a pay rise at work. I didn’t know (I only found out afterwards). I’d had to order a pregnancy test & wanted to tell him but he sulked on his games all night. I told him off for acting like a sulky teen & he then told me he didn’t love me & hadn’t for months. He said all the affection was him trying to make himself love me again & he found me irritating.
Literally none of his friends had any idea prior to us announcing the split (myself included), which is odd as he’s had no problem talking to them about differing & retrofitted (& demonstratively untrue) problems after the fact.
He packed a bag for a night “to think" & I packed the rest of his clothes the next day. Everyone thought he’d made a stupid impulse decision & that he’d come to his senses. He did say to me he thought he’d made a stupid mistake but subsequently did nothing to make amends, so I was left in our building site of a house alone & cleaning up his mess (financially, legally & emotionally). I remained very kind to him throughout as I didn’t see the point in getting nasty & felt like he was having some sort of mental health crisis.
I went away with family to give him time to clear his stuff out (which he didn’t even do). I then get a message accusing me of hiding his watch (which he found where he left it: no apology), then he sends me random suggestions of stuff to do around the house, whinges that he’s “no house, no car, no cats”.... so I tell him I’m very sorry but I’d not taken any of those things away from him, he chose to leave them & he needed to stop messaging me for trivial things. He had left me after all & was playing the victim! He apologised & stopped for a while. Then out of the blue I get a hounding message accusing me of hiding money from him & demanding a profit from the house (that I put the majority of the money into & has no profit). Just really odd unfounded accusations with no basis in reality.
I very quickly started the process of having him removed from the mortgage.
His best friend & wife announced their separation 2 weeks after he left me. Radio silence from him. 3 weeks after he left me (1 week after their announcement) he started searching stuff like “how long divorces take" “dating your best friends ex wife” obsessively (our Google accounts were linked). It seemed clear to me he left me to be with her & they were waiting for the divorce to go through.
To torture myself before un-linking our accounts, I looked at his past 3 months search history (as I couldn’t believe I’d been living a lie for 2 months) & there was absolutely no sign he’d been anything but happy. The day he left he’d been searching for new jobs due to not getting a raise & no sign of any interest in her or leaving me (to the contrary, he seemed invested in our future).
His best friends wife denied any knowledge – or reciprocation- of his feelings & her close friends are adamant she wouldn’t go there. They gather she prefers my exes brother & is still far too upset about her husbands philandering to be having any genuine feelings for another man atm. Not one person so far has believed he left for her (which is flattering as it’s nice it’s recognised I was good to him) or that she'd be interested in him. His brother thinks he’s had a blip with me then just developed rebound feelings (which links with his search history patterns) BUT it all just seems too coincidental. Only time will tell though.
Since it came out, he’s still been hanging out with his best friend & his wife, who are still acting like a couple (bar the fidelity). He’s gone from refusing to ever go out with his friends to being out all the time, using my wages in the joint account to take himself out on the town, posting big fake smiling photos on social media, he’s even still planning to go on the stag do (the stag do he desperately didn’t want). Very crass behaviour for someone who was claiming to feel ashamed of how he’d treated me.
The behaviour of all involved has been increasingly crass & embarrassing to be honest. Almost as though I’d blooming left him.
He’s always been very introverted, so I’ve had people who know him/knew him messaging me expressing concern & disgust about his rapid change in behaviour & insensitivity. The number of random people who know or work with him messaging me thinking he’s lost the plot has been overwhelming....but I just don’t know.
The only other physical change other than his aggression was his sweat started smelling like cat urine (or damp).
A big part of me thinks he just developed feelings for another woman whilst she was vulnerable & has begun resenting me as a result to justify his poor treatment of me.
I guess the cause doesn’t really matter as the relationship is over regardless. He can live a train wreck but I don’t have to.
I guess I’m trying to process how my life ended up like this so I can avoid it happening again. And it’d be nice to hear I’m not the only person to have fallen foul of this chaos.
Sorry for the length!