Another sex one

[lNowwhat]

I have been with my partner about 3/4 years, living together for the last 18 months. DP is an amazing step parent to my DC. DP is pretty much most of the time kind, caring and considerate.

From the off though I knew our sex drives didn't match and I thought it was something we could get past, or something i could live with. I have spoken to him numerous times about the lack of sex. Once a week is extremely good going if I'm lucky. It's becoming a massive dealbreaker for me now though and I have had enough of very little intimacy.

Last night for instance we had a VERY rare child free evening. I didn't expect anything to happen but stupidly thought maybe it would. As usual he was asleep for two hours on the sofa then woke up and said shall we go to bed to watch that series we've been watching? I was and still am really pissed off.

He has a very stressful job and takes meds which I know affect his sex drive. That is fine - I understand but it's just like he has no desire at all, unless he's had a skin full of drink.

I feel so torn, I don't want to break up because of this but I am so miserable all the time because of it. Ive pretty much convinced myself that it's because he doesn't find me attractive and because of the weight I've gained since we got together.

How will you feel when things are still the same in another 4 years? Because nothing’s going to change.

It’s a major incompatibility. I wouldn’t have stayed and hoped it would improve, these things really don’t.

It’s not shallow to end a relationship over a big issue like this. You only get one life. Live it well. Find someone who wants what you do.

I know you are right. I just feel really shallow and shit for wanting to end things over this.

I'm sick of crap sex when anything does happen because of teens in the house. Then any opportunity we do get he's not interested or bladdered. I've told him when he's drunk I won't have sex with him because it makes me feel cheap. It's like if he's got his beer goggles on he wants to know. Apparently though that's when he feels horny, now it just makes me cringe.

It’s not just the sex. It’s poor communication, lack of effort on his part, making you feel crap.

That’s a bad place to be in and one that would be incredibly hard to come back from.

Feeling cheap, feeling cringe, not having your needs met.

Forgive the cliche, but what would you say to a friend in your shoes asking for advice?

It’s not shallow! Why would something as important as this make you shallow?

Your feelings matter. Your needs and wants matter. You deserve better than you’re getting.

It feels like I've been banging my head against a brick wall when I have tried to discuss this with him. I told him last year that if this is it then it's not for me. I'm early 40's and he's the same age, I feel like we have the sex life of a couple in their 70's. He understood what I said but obviously he's not prepared to make the effort to act on it.

I know my communication skills aren't great at the best of times, it just feels like nothing is ever going to change and because he doesn't have an issue with it then neither should I. In every other way he is great and will quite often give me a cuddle or a kiss.

Is the drinking also an issue?

@AnneLovesGilbert

Is the drinking also an issue?

Yes, I think it has become an issue. I think he's self medicating to deal with work stresses. When I mentioned this he said he'd cut back but it didn't last long. He doesn't drink a little either, he drinks enough to sink a ship.

This relationship is doomed, op. There are far more problems than just lack of sex, and that particular issue will never improve. I wouldn't be wasting another day if I were you.

To add, please don't allow your child to grow up with an alcoholic in the home. It will taint their life forever.

I had a sexless marriage for 15 years. Wish I'd left earlier than I did. It never gets better ime

Your primary concern should be your children growing up in a home with an alcoholic / problem drinker. It's so tough and shapes their lives so much.

You wouldn't be leaving because of 'just' lack of sex (though remember anyone can leave a relationship for any reason at any time), but because the relationship is making you feel sad, frustrated, unappreciated, unwanted and old before your time.

You're right to leave.

He sounds dreadful op, I'm sorry you're going through this. How badly do you want to leave? It sounds like it may be worth cutting your losses. Would he get help for his drinking? Would he consider an open the relationship? Have you tried couples counselling?
Could he find a babysitter so child free evenings aren't so rare? Would he make time for date nights and try to rekindle romance?
Would you be comfortable in your appearance sleeping with a new partner? If not, then maybe it's worth pampering yourself and getting to the stage where you would. Maybe your renewed confidence will wake up your DH, maybe it will make him scared to lose you and he'll buck up. And if not you'll have had time to prepare to leave and you might feel more confident getting back out into the dating world.

Thankyou for your replies.

I'm not sure whether he would think we need counselling. In his mind there's no problem! And maybe for him there isn't.
He has said before that I don't instigate anything very much but I don't bother anymore because when I do I get brushed off or told I'm a pest. I've tried to explain that eventually I will not bother trying if he always has an excuse or makes those remarks.

With regards to the drinking he does go through phases where he drinks a lot and other times where he doesn't bother. Don't get me wrong I like to have a drink too but I don't get wasted. When I told him his pattern of only showing any kind of intimacy with me when he had been drinking he did say he would drink less. That hasn't happened though because the pattern is if he's drunk he'll try it on, when he's sober he has zero drive.

Im just at a loss because after being with an abusive partner previously he's a breath of fresh air in the fact that he treats me well and does his best to provide.

I know he sounds dreadful when it's written down but he's actually not he's a nice guy.

So sorry you are going through this. You need to step back and have a really good think about your relationship....is it fixable with therapy? Is it fixable if he moves jobs to a less stressful one? Please dont feel bad about yourself if you want to leave because of a sexless relationship. As others have said it doesn't get better but will get worse. I left a relationship for the first time a while back because of lack of sex and felt exactly the same as you, thinking it was a terrible thing to do. I have a sex drive, intimacy is important for me in a relationship to keep us close. I am now in a healthy relationship with a man with a sex drive that matches mine and the difference is amazing. Think clearly and think about how you would feel in 4 years time when your sex life is zero.

Do you know the meds his is on, the reason I ask is that a side affect of some ADs is low sex drive.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/medicines-and-psychiatry/antidepressants/side-effects/

Might be why he has zero sex drive when sober, just a thought.

@JustAnother0ldMan

Do you know the meds his is on, the reason I ask is that a side affect of some ADs is low sex drive.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/medicines-and-psychiatry/antidepressants/side-effects/

Might be why he has zero sex drive when sober, just a thought.

I know the ADs he takes can cause loss of sex drive as a side effect. After the other evening though I've realised it's not just about the sex. It's like he isn't interested in trying anymore with our relationship. It's as though he's comfortable and settled so doesn't need to 'try' anymore.

I feel like we've never had the honeymoon period. And as another poster put it I feel sad, frustrated and taken for granted

There's a massive difference between children growing up with an abusive alcoholic, a high functioning alcoholic and a sober alcoholic. And even though they're not prefect, ignore warnings from PPs that suggest is all doom and gloom.

To your issue. I think you need to fire a warning shot about not being able to continue a relationship as it currently is. I'd suggest counselling of some form.

I know it sounds facile, but have you tried things to improve his sex drive? Maybe try to control his drinking? Get assertive if you have to. Maybe get a sexy movie to turn him on? Speak to his doctor, or a professional counsellor, or maybe there's something online? Otherwise LTB. Life's too short.

This is about so much more than sex isn't it.

It feels like you are the only one trying. He drinks too much. Isn't interested in sex. Doesn't seem to mind that you've told him you're not happy.

I think he's quite happy to continue as things are, and would rather ignore the fact that you aren't, as that would mean he has to make an effort.

I think it's time to put this to him clearly.... don't focus on the sex, but on the fact that you feel ignored / taken for granted / overlooked / unwanted physically, and he needs to show you that he cares and will work with you to make it better. Or you split up.

You say he's basically decent so if he knows you're serious this should bring about change. And if it doesn't - well there's your answer.