Why do men beg for forgiveness when caught?

[LalaLopsie]

Just that really - why some men, maybe most, beg for forgiveness when caught out cheating?

@takeaflight

Presumably you had an erection while typing out that nonsense, which is why you were unable to use your head at the time.

What kind of stupid do you have to be to helplessly bleat ‘but but I couldn’t help it - my brain doesn’t work when I’m using my willy.’

Same reason as women do i suppose

Because it’s going to cost them a lot to get what their wife does for Free. Childcare, housework, emotional labour etc

@Chickenyhead

Because they don't want YOU to decide when it's over.

This.

@Runningupthecurtains

They don't want to go and live in a bedsit and do their own laundry/shopping/cooking. They want the family home and the wife to do the wife work and the bit on the side.

And this.

Same reason they cheat in the first place I suppose. I mean no one is forcing you to stay in a relationship or ever enter one at all. Stay single and you can have sex with whoever.

Sadly i think it all comes down to money. Men i have known of who have cheated have all stayed because they simply could not afford to maintain to their lifestyle if they divorced and also they did not want to be a part time Dad to their children. Their wives accepted this as they also knew that if they separated/divorced the cheater , there simply was not enough money around for either party to live well and there would be a lifestyle change. The only couple i know where he did leave and divorce was a guy who ran his own company and earned huge sums of money. He was able to give his ex wife the hse which was paid off, 3 paid foreign holidays a yr, continued to pay for all the DC's sch fees and uni costs and she received an ongoing income of £5k per month. They had been married for 20 yrs ( together since 16 yrs old) and had 3 children. He had been in an affair for most of it. He married his affair partner as said she had always been his "one" and he should never have married my friend. My friend accepts she pushed for the marriage and followed him to the same uni etc so he never had any opportunity to explore other relationships as she was always there which , she wishes now she had not done. He was her first boyfriend and she now wishes she had had other relationships too. She would however have given all the money up to still be with him as she did love him very much.

Another friend of mine had an affair with a married man over 20 yrs ago. She got pregnant and had a child. He already had 2 DC with his wife. He was a professional. My friend agreed not to tell his wife as he had told her if his wife divorced him , he would have no money to pay her ( my friend) decent child maint as his finances would be affected, he also did not want to upset his Dc's. As a result he was able to pay my friend substantial amounts of money each mth until her child was 18, making her life much easier. He also
maintained a relationship with his affair child. My friend found this arrangement acceptable and went on to marry herself . When my friends child was 18 , as promised , his father told his wife the truth. But, by this time his children in his marriage were both grown up ( mid 20's and thru uni) and his affair child now 18. His wife did divorce him but he was in a much stronger financial position as he had no maint to pay for any of the children , housing to supply etc and it was more a straight forward split with his wife/ division of assets tsot. I have always felt so sorry for his wife and children having lived a lie for so long.

In my view a lot more men would leave ( and more wives would kick them out) after being unfaithful, if they could afford to. I think a lot beg to stay and the wives accept it ,as basically neither generally wants to impact their standard of living or share the children. The affair person is probably aware of that. Usually , once the children are grown that is when you tend to see these relationships formally end as the financial impact of divorce has been reduced and it can be more a clean break financially. I think mens driving force when begging to stay is money /standard of living and their children. I do not think it is indicative of a great love for their spouse nor do i think it deters them from cheating again.

You'll never understand this if you're female. We just don't think like men do

For women, when a relationship is bad enough that someone else seems preferable to our partner, we leave. Therefore a cheating man must be (to us) an unhappy man who'd rather leave

But to men, sex is fun, diverting, an ego boost, a "win", a thrill, a momentary high... It has nothing to do with his main relationship or his home

When it threatens his home, he realises how much home means to him and begs to stay

(Then when the crisis passes, he forgets all that and starts chasing the thrills again

I really really disagree with this, as my experience has been this applies equally as much to women as to men.

I think most people who cheat are looking for 'something missing' (or they perceive as missing) either in themselves or the relationship. Whether that's excitement, attention, flattery, whatever it is.

Then they get caught and realise they could have fucked up something decent, a family, a shared history, and hurt someone they cared about and beg forgiveness.

I've never really found this to split down sex lines, it absolutely applies to both in my view.

Because they don’t want to run their own house and manage the kids alone, it’s easier when someone else is doing that.

Because they don't want to give up their lifestyle or the image of the family man they have.

@AlbertBridge

You'll never understand this if you're female. We just don't think like men do.

For women, when a relationship is bad enough that someone else seems preferable to our partner, we leave. Therefore a cheating man must be (to us) an unhappy man who'd rather leave.

But to men, sex is fun, diverting, an ego boost, a "win", a thrill, a momentary high... It has nothing to do with his main relationship or his home.

When it threatens his home, he realises how much home means to him and begs to stay.

(Then when the crisis passes, he forgets all that and starts chasing the thrills again.)

Do you work in a highly male-dominated profession?

I have, more than once, and this rings true too.

There isn't just one answer fits all, though sheer laziness is a very real factor I think.

Thank you for explaining the cake analogy 🙂
I think I tend to think like AlbertBridge, in the sense that it is just sex. I also think once forgiven at some point he will go back to his old ways, when things get comfortable again.
I also think about the things that out children will miss out on. Does my happiness really matters in these circumstances?
I will be broken forever regardless of the decision I make. And I will never trust another man. Don't they say "better the evil you know"?
I am in such a bad place right now...

I will be broken forever regardless of the decision I make. And I will never trust another man.

You're catastrophising. Tons of people split up with cheating partners and go on to have other happy relationships in the future. Yes. it is bloody painful and feels like the end of the world to finish a relationship, but if you don't, you're accepting a known future of being cheated on. I'd choose a future I don't know over one where I'm being lied to and cheated on by someone.

Your children don't have to miss out on things. Being on your own as a parent might be a struggle sometimes, but on the other hand, you can choose your own priorities with your money & time. And he would still be their father.

Well said @category12. Great post.

I also think about the things that out children will miss out on. Does my happiness really matters in these circumstances?

Actually, yes, since you ask ... it does.

I know from experience that if you are deeply unfulfilled and unhappy in a marriage and no longer trust your partner then you are 1/2 the mother than you can be alone and not riddled with doubt, or the certainty that when it comes down to it you can't trust your partner to have your back. In my case it wasn't cheating but still a deep betrayal that destroyed all trust.

It's not always black and white. A mother living in severe poverty or in an unsafe area is often stressed and can't shed happiness around the house and onto the kids - kids do much better with happy parents!

But in most circumstances, less money and more serenity is better for the kids than more money and no certainty in their parents solidity. Kids are clever and have excellent antennae for the wellbeing of the people they rely on for survival. They know when something is wrong and you're hiding unhappiness and lack of trust.

"I think I tend to think like AlbertBridge, in the sense that it is just sex".

It is not just sex though, it is indicative of a persons frustrations of being trapped in a situation where they feel they cannot escape. I am sure you feel the same. They are having sex with others and no longer willing to put their life on hold.

They have decided they can either remain, unhappily , where they are, until they can afford to leave or they can indulge and cheat , knowing that life can be short and they have no current financial means to leave but , it will hurt others , as yr DP/DH has clearly done. He has chosen the i have no money to divorce, life is too short option.

Yes, this behaviour hurts people, yes this behaviour is not acceptable in society, yes this behaviour is shitty but is ultimately a result of finances. Yes , this behaviour results from a wedding certificate that legally binds and precludes in many cases, financial independence when it fails. Marriages break down, sexually exclusive , long term relationships fail. People grow, people change, people grow apart.

When one person wants to move on but , are married and know that a whole load of other people ( wife and kids) are financially and now legally, solely dependant on them , they feel trapped. Being married benefits some but leaves others financially screwed. They now want their freedoms but equally they want to maintain a roof over their children's heads. There is a kind of responsibility in their recklessness. They cheat ! They have no option to easily release themselves from the financial burden but , they want the sex with someone else.

This is the time to move on OP. Hanging on to a relationship because it is either all you know, or you cannot afford to leave is not a reason to stay. Why do men beg for forgiveness? Because they cannot afford to house both you and yr shared children and , then himself comfortably. He has no financial option but to beg, you see it this as an act of contrition on his part and a new fresh start. He sees it , as self preservation.

Yr relationship has broken down and at this stage you need to look at being more financially self sufficient and independent. With maintenance from yr children's father and yr own income, you can house yourself, yr children and move on with yr life . You may still love him deeply but he has cheated. He is not on the same page as you anymore.

With kindness and upmost respect to you Op, you are hanging on to nothing. You are delaying the inevitable.

It is not about money, it really isn't. There's nothing to split and not much financial support to offer. All his income is spent on the family and he might actually be better off on his own. I'm very much certain of that.

Everything else stands though, I know that too.

Please leave him OP. You sound very hurt. You know that this man is no longer your friend in life. Your children will be happier with a happier parent. There's some amazing advice on this thread. Opinions may differ about the reasons why men beg for forgiveness. I would imagine that every single one of these opinions hold an element of truth.

Wants variety, sex, excitement, ego massage, conquest etc on the side. Never actually intended the "side chick" to become main relationship, may not be suitable as main relationship for whatever reasons; not single, not stable, not perceived as good relationship material etc. etc.

Thought could have this obit on side without endangering main relationship, when discovered freaks out and craps themselves and begs when thinks might lose main relationship.

Obviously there is a lot of entitlement, selfishness, lack of empathy, hypocrisy etc behind that behaviour.

Some men really do believe that they're martyers for doing all the marriage & family stuff and are entitled to something on the side, abd ot doesn't matter. They might also have "traditional" views about monogamy and it being unrealistic for men, but you can't say that upfront, what they (the wives) don't know won't hurt them etc

Because they are spineless cowards and will say anything to save their own skin,,,,, until next time.
You need to remember he's probably doing same with other woman, men are good at telling women what they want to hear, acting on it however is a different stiry.

There is no other woman. No affair. Just sex with strangers.

That’s not something I would minimize. I couldn’t say “Just” sex with strangers. It wouldn’t matter to me. It’s betrayal. It’s gross. It’s treating people as holes.

lala your marriage is over, lovely. All that's left is a rotten shell because he's not who you thought he was.

One of the hardest things about a split is getting your head around the idea of such a massive change. It's an upheaval of all that's been settled and sorted for years, mentally as well as physically. But the devastation in the relationship has already occurred and if there's been multiple incidents of sex with strangers, plural, it's the thrill of the chase and he almost certainly won't give that adrenaline and ego kick up. Things will carry on. He's not asking forgiveness, he's jsut unhappy that he was caught and trying to get you to accept it.

I've known men to beg forgiveness from a girlfriend/partner who doesn't live with them, ie no financial ties. In that case I guess its because the man never intended to get caught, it was an ego boost etc to cheat, but he intended to keep his girlfriend.