Has anyone who has had been abused by a parent, feel different about siblings after therapy?

[IncessantNameChanger]

I have recently had therapy about my abusive mum and resulting childhood trauma. I needed it. Me and my sibling was both abused and both recognise this. My sibling is very low contact with my mum.

My therapy was extremely useful but I have heard things and worked out things that cant be unseen or unheard about my mum. A bit like a much needed slap back into reality.

I think now i feel different to my sibling as they didnt reply when I said I was in therapy. Sibling isnt much into deep emotions or talking about emotions. Our dad died almost two decades ago and for example he is never mentioned.

So that's one thing. It's like I have emerged from under a rock after therapy. But even though it's a shared abuse we will never discuss my therapy.

Also I have always looked at my sibling as a mother figure. I now know that's not healthy.

So my sibling has done nothing wrong. But I'm wondering if I'm seeing my sibling as part of a toxic past, or I'm just adjusting or I'm pretending around them that nothing has changed but in reality my blinkers have been removed and thrown away on our childhood.

I'm hoping this will pass but I feel like I'm avoiding my sibling sometimes and their presence isnt as comforting in my life as it used to be? Like there is a unsaid thing on my side I feel is now between us.

Therapy is a mixed bag isnt it? I dont regret therapy. But it leaves you with harsh realities that I'm not sure what to do with.

Just things that I cant admit to anyone but my sibling is the only one who would get it. But because they dont like deep conversations I need to not mention it and respect they are in a different place to me.

I hope this feeling will pass in time as I keep processing things. Will it? I guess I'm grieving. The grief stage will pass and hopefully once I accept it these feelings will go?

I can only explain the process from my own experience. Hopefully some of it will resonate with you.

I changed from being a totally codependent people pleaser to the assertive independent person I am now thanks to therapy. In the process, which was very painful and emotionally draining at times, I discovered that my view of the world and the people around me weren't the same anymore. As is often mentioned on here, I came out of the Fog of my childhood conditioning and started to see things much more realistically and reliably.

My therapist called it Stockholm Syndrome. I had been brainwashed by abusive, dysfunctional people to view myself as the problem and them as normal and perfect. However, what I discovered as the family scapegoat was that I was and have always been the most emotionally stable member of my family of origin. My siblings were similarly brainwashed and coerced into supporting and enabling my DMs emotional abuse and neglect of me. Both siblings have always treated me with a combination of complete indifference and utter contempt at the same time as exploitating my vain attempts to gain their affection and validation.

The further away I have come from, not always through choice as I was effectively expelled from the family for outing our DM, the more I realise how damaged and damaging they are. Neither is likely to want to examine themselves through therapy which means I have to protect myself through NC. I have also realised that I don't actually like either of them. I don't respect their personalities and don't want to be around them although it was a dreadful struggle at first.

Perhaps the progress you have made is too threatening to your sister and she wants to bury it which means you will never resolve or be able to investigate the past with her? I think that's vital for your healing, getting rid of toxic secrets and shame. You may find that you lose a lot of people in the process because they are or were part of the dysfunction holding you back. Letting go is actually a good thing and well done for the therapy. Onwards and upwards!

I wrote a long reply and then lost it.

I can resonate with being co dependent and moving away from that. Thank you.

I used to want to have my choices validated from my sibling re my mum. So for example mum has been very recently given medication from A&E and instructed to rest. Mum isnt doing either. I have decided I can only advise and beyound that my responsibility is done. Where as in the past I phone my sibling and check that was the right thing. I no longer need my boundaries with my mum validated.

I try to help my mum. She ignores all advice, all offers of help but never resolves her issues. I used to think if could save her might love me. But after therapy I can see she is making adult choices to do nothing to improve her life.

I really no longer think its healthy to engage on her problems like this. I dont need my siblings approval on my choice.

Everybody deals with a history of abuse in their own way. You say your sibling has been low contact with your mum while until therapy you were still running after her. I wonder if your sibling felt similar about that the way you are feeling about them now.

You also say that you used to see her as a mother figure. This is a heavy burden to carry as a sibling, esp when you see your younger sibling still caught up in rescuing mum.

I guess it's obvious that I've experienced this as the oldest sibling. I saw my mum for what she was years (decades?) Before my siblings (or at least one of them) caught on. I also bore the brunt of my mum's toxicity, as the oldest. I saw and remembered more than they did. I also tried to shield them from a lot of the shit, as your sibling might have done.

Sometimes in these situations your feelings about your toxic parent get mixed up with your feelings towards your 'sibling parent'. I've often felt that my sister redirected her anger at our mum to, esp while she was in therapy. I guess it felt safer than being angry with our mum and possibly more productive, because expressing her anger to me might lead to a more positive relationship while doing so to our mum would just end in punishment.

I suggest you sit with your feelings for a while, as they say. Then, when you have a clearer grip on what you're feeling towards them you could ask if they're open for talking about it.

Just keep in mind that people do manage these things differently, and they might not respond to your revelations the way you would like them too. And sometimes the shared past is too painful to continue a healthy adult relationship, unfortunately .

I had the same desire as you to fix things. The biggest issue with my DM is her victim status and her refusal to help herself. You end up being dragged down by their negativity and 'helplessness'. Like most scapegoats I was the family sacrifice to her toxicity. Leaving her to it was so freeing, literally a weight off my shoulders. Hopefully you will experience that the further you get away from the enmeshment.

Funnily enough my younger sister saw me as a bit of a mother figure, probably because my DM pushed all duties into me as soon as she could. My sister displayed a lot of blaming behaviour towards me about her childhood. Not my responsibility at all. I think that's part of the problem with sibling relationships in dysfunctional families. The boundaries are completely messed up. You're not siblings but parents, rivals, enemies. Therapy is bound to shake previous ties. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Your sister may never come out of the fog with you. This is a lone journey for you.

Just to add the change in you will unnerved your sister. You are changing. People don't like change.

The Stately Homes thread in Relationships is a very good place to process your thoughts Op. Everyone on there 'gets' what it's like to come from an abusive childhood. Have a look.