Help guidance advice needed

[somersetmumma]

Where to start
I'm 6 months pregnant. Was due to be married twice over the last year and cancelled due to covid. Found out we're pregnant! Hurrah however the happy ending was messed up when I accidentally opened a letter informing me that my partner had taken a £25k loan.
He was divorced around 8 years ago. He has told me he has no debts is in the military and has done a tour of afghan whilst we have been together for the last 6 years to boost savings.
He lives with me rent free in my own property as he has always maintained he was going to buy the family house when we have children. He earns around £50k a year.
Life has been pretty good we have had nice holidays and have a great set of friends. My partner isn't wasteful and has maaintained he had saved £30k in the time we were together before our wedding was cancelled we're due to get a pre nuptial agreement as I want to keep my assets mine and his assets ( his pension) his after all tht went on in his divorce.
When I found out about the debt he said it was for his daughters diving test and braces, I immediately knew he was lying as his daughter who is lush has now had them removed and his brother had paid for the driving test.
I asked him to leave that night until he told me the truth. After a month he has disclosed all his debts and initially it just looks like bad spending nothing showing an affair online gambling etc. I let him move back and things have been good. He treats me well.
However I logged onto his iPad at the weekend and found he was viewing dogging sites near his new work place.

There was also emails to strange clearly spam email addrrrsses asking for kinky pictures etc there was about 6 emails in the last 8 years
I also found he had done a online test and ordered tablets for ureaplasma and mycoplasmas? Which seems to be an StI in 2018 3 years after we had been together.

Looking at his bank statements back to 2012 he has done this medication before and always seems to have a test after a large payment of around £300-£400 when in Germany so I think it's highly likely he's been having sex with prostitutes when he's visited his daughter.

Given I'm pregnant he's nice and he doesn't know I know the above do I track him, confront him or wait until after the baby and enjoy that special time together and then get it sorted when not so emotional.

I am financially independent so it's quite easy for me to tell him to do one but is it always the right choice?!!

Looking for dogging sites and taking tests for STIs would be enough for me I'm afraid. Perhaps book a test yourself?

Oh my God OP....it started out bad and ended terribly! It's DEFINITELY the right choice to dump him.

You're pregnant with his child and he's allowed that to happen despite potentially having STDs which could be passed to a baby!

Have you booked an appointment to get yourself checked out? Your sexual health I mean?

The money was bad enough but this prostitute thing...he must be sleeping with them without protection!

I'm so sorry...you're pregnant too...so stressful. The BEST thing about this is that you're not yet married...and you own your own place.

DO NOT put his name on the birth certificate.

What the others have written. You need to ask him to leave now as the relationship to all intents and purposes is over. You cannot trust him and he is thoroughly untrustworthy as well as deceitful.

Give this child your surname rather than his.

Can I ask the benefit of not putting his name on the birth certificate? Will it put me in a worse situation?

Also I have no proof of the cheating just coincidences and when you Google ureaplasma it isn't necessarily an STI.

I don't want to jump the gun. Am considering buying a tracker iLife his car too if anyone has any suggestions!

Well it will put you in a bad situation in that you can't force him to contribute financially but then he also can't demand any access or visitation.

The lack of proof re. the cheating is neither here nor there...he's obviously cheating.

Why buy a tracker? He's lied about money, he's been sleeping with other women without protection. It's really obvious OP...no man gets tested for STD's right after spending three hundred pounds because he's been donating to charity! He's obviously with prostitutes.

And then there's the dogging...you'd never be able to relax! My God!

He doesn't need to be on the birth certificate to have to pay maintenance for his child.

Personally I'd get shot of him now before you have the baby, can't think of anything worse than putting up and keeping quiet about this.

Tell him to leave, have a cry about it then start making new plans, why would you want the first weeks of your baby's life spent with a lying, cheating spendthrift.

He doesn't need to be on the birth certificate to have to pay maintenance for his child.

Yes he does.

Look at this. www.oflaherty-law.com/learn-about-law/what-happens-if-the-fathers-name-is-not-on-the-birth-certificate#:~:text=If%20an%20unwed%20father%20is,and%20responsibility%20of%20the%20child.

FGS, stop playing games and get rid of this disgusting, untrustworthy fuckwit. Out the door he goes.

I think you need to get checked first op especially as you are pregnant. I also think he has form for lying it’s really not looking good. I couldn’t pretend all was well until after the birth I think you’re opening yourself up for more hurt. X

[quote FortunesFave]He doesn't need to be on the birth certificate to have to pay maintenance for his child.

Yes he does.

Look at this. www.oflaherty-law.com/learn-about-law/what-happens-if-the-fathers-name-is-not-on-the-birth-certificate#:~:text=If%20an%20unwed%20father%20is,and%20responsibility%20of%20the%20child.[/quote]
What is that link??
It's absolute bollocks, a man does not have to be on the birth certificate to be made to pay maintenance in England. The mother puts in a claim via the CMS and they contact the named father. IF he disputes paternity he can insist on a DNA test before paying but if he acknowledges he is the father this is not necessary. No birth certificate required.

OP you can't 'enjoy special time' with a liar and probable cheat. And don't marry him!!

[quote FortunesFave]He doesn't need to be on the birth certificate to have to pay maintenance for his child.

Yes he does.

Look at this. www.oflaherty-law.com/learn-about-law/what-happens-if-the-fathers-name-is-not-on-the-birth-certificate#:~:text=If%20an%20unwed%20father%20is,and%20responsibility%20of%20the%20child.[/quote]
You know that's an American site right? The use of language like visitation and attorney should probably have given it away.

Is this a fake post?

A man who has been living off you for years, promising to buy a house for you, turns out to be completely lying and actually in debt?

You strongly suspect he has sex with prostitutes, not even "safely" as he may have had an sti, putting your sexual health on the line.

How on earth would staying with him for the end of your pregnancy be a special time?!

I just don't see how this is real.

I am so sorry you have found out all this information. As a pp said the best thing about this situation is that you're not married yet!
The debts are not yours.
Ask him to move out, give you some breathing space and tell him everything you know.
Be confident, don't say "I think" you've slept with Prostitutes, but "I know" as and sort of hesitation and he'll find a weak link to convince you that you're crazy.
You don't need to be worrying for the rest of your life what he's up to. Life shouldn't be like that.
Both my oh and I have iPhones with the find my friends tracker if you happen to have iPhones. The other person needs to approve you though.

Get a full STI check.
A pre-nup is not worth the paper it is written on (if you are in UK).
Cancel the wedding.

Just be thankful you didn't marry him and are financially independent have your own house.

The meds and him visiting Germany 'might' be a coincidence, however his lying about the debt and him looking up dogging sites isn't. Do yourself a massive favour - and rip the plaster off quickly before the baby is here. His behaviour is likely to get worse once your attention is in the baby, sleepless nights, responsibility of a baby and financial worries